Question

[Eyeamme]

I have gone NC with my uBPD daughter. It is my SIL's birthday. Should I text him to wish him Happy Birthday? He will tell my daughter I am sure. I don't know if I should just forget it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

What is the desired result you hope for in texting your SIL? Is the desired result even possible right now?

The primary relationship here is between you and your daughter.  What would it feel like for her if you refuse contact with her and send a birthday text to her husband? 

It seems like a no win situation for all of you. :'(

Rebuilding your relationship with your daughter will hopefully not find you in this dilemma again.  How can we help you begin to learn how to do that?

lbj

[Eyeamme]

As I write this I am in a hotel waiting to go to a Family Connections weekend. Thank you for asking me those questions. I am so angry and hurt and confused that I can't ask myself these questions. One day soon I will be able to do this. My daughter was the one that initiated the no contact with her and my grandkids. I just set a boundary that she can not call me horrible things I am not. She didn't like the boundary :--)

[lbjnltx]

Being angry, hurt and confused is a normal reaction to loving a child with an undiagnosed mental illness like BPD.

Gaining the skills to process our emotions and moving from anger to empathy, hurt to forgiveness, and confusion to knowledge/acceptance/understanding is where your therapist, Family Connections and the Tools and Lessons here collide to help you.

This will take time and a great deal of effort.  I'm glad you are making the investment in yourself, for yourself.  Let us know what you think of the class and share your feelings about it with us.

We are all in this together.

lbj

[Eyeamme]

You are so kind. Thank you.