Quick Vent / Exhaused for my Daughter

[ambivalentmom]

     I'm the mother of a teenager now!

My uBPDex has taken a greater interest in D13's life over the last 4-5 years, when we went to court for child support after 6yrs non-payment.  This is when the post-divorce drama really started.  He doesn't put in much effort as a dad because he's trying to be her friend now and, honestly, he's makes a bad friend.  He still baby talks with her way too much, she stays up late when she is with him playing video games (sometimes all night), and I recently found out he is trying to coax her into cursing.  It's bad enough that her stepsister at his house picks on D13 when she tries to abreviate or mispell curses (that's my D13's way around cursing), but her dad asks her questions with curse word answers and LOLs at her cursing back.

     If they were friends from school, I could just ask "what do you look for in a friend... ." and help her realize what she wants and how to assert herself on her needs so she can stay friends with that person.  With her dad, it's different.  She doesn't want to upset him and if I use the above solution, she will turn herself off to me once she realizes her dad is the one that she needs to be assertive with.  If, by some stroke of luck, she sees that I am not trying to block the relationship, she still won't be able to assert herself to her dad and I honestly would never give that advice to her when dealing with him personally.  Even in divorcing and leaving him, I was hardly assertive and the main time I was (saying I think we need to get a divorce), the backlash was horrific. 

     She is soo wonderful and tries so hard to lessen the tension herself (which puts a lot of work on her).  A few days ago, she mentioned that I told her that she would be with her dad on Thanksgiving.  I apologized if I did say that and told her that I can never speak for her dad.  I asked her if her dad said anything to her (he will make plans with her months in advance and then tell me a week prior/not at all).  She said she didn't know if he talked to her about it (that's her tell) so I told her that I will email him and check. 

     I told her I always want to email so I can check back if I forget or get mixed up (really because he changes his story so much).  I used this past Easter break as an example (ex told D13, but not me, that he would be picking D13 up/I told D13 I didn't know if she was going to be spending Easter break with him and her response was that she knew without a doubt that she would be spending Easter break with him/he sent an email a week prior saying he wouldn't be spending Easter break with her).  My D13 now says she was talking about a different visit back then and not Easter break.

     

     Soo, his response to my email about Thanksgiving was that he already told D13 that he would be coming to pick her up, he wants to pick her up early, and she will miss two days of school.  I think D13 mentioned to me that I said something about Thanksgiving, so she wouldn't have to tell me that her dad already told her he was picking her up in a way that wouldn't get back to him.

     I'm so tired for my D13 and all she wants is peace.  I picture him telling her that he doesn't need permission to see his daughter and the chaos created when he just shows up and we didn't know he was coming/we're not at home at the time.  I've already told him not to pass information to me through her, but that only hurts her when he finds out that she talks to me about her life (more specifically anything to do with her time with him).  Now, I have to make sure I log this in and check back on what was said about Easter break to make sure I worded it right. 

     I do think this might be a good oppourtunity to talk to her more about how much she does for others, how life isn't always black and white, and let her know that I will be there for her/share my experiences/what worked for me that she may use in her own experiences if she likes.  Thank you for letting me vent!

[livednlearned]

Welcome to the teen years 

I think your instincts to help D focus on how much she does for others is spot on. It always seemed to backfire when I gave S14 advice about how to handle his dad -- it put him too much in the middle. And it backfired if I ever hinted that he should stand up to his dad. Too scary (it was for me, and would be even more so for S14).

Instead what seemed to work was talking through scenarios that came up, like scenes in books, or issues with friends, or movies. I also did with S14 something my T recommended, which was to point out when his coping strategy seemed to help him. She wanted me to remember that kids' coping skills are critically important, even if they are likely to be maladaptive later. So I would acknowledge things he did that were smart, like lying still in bed and not moving when his dad was having an all-nighter rampage. And instead looking for signs that he was using those coping skills in maladaptive ways when the stakes were a lot lower. Like feeling frozen when a kid in his drama class was pointing the staple gun at other kids. Dealing with that situation was cathartic for S14 -- he came to me, then he talked to his T, then he went to the school guidance counselor, who talked to the principal and the theater teacher, then the counselor talked to S14 and said the other boy was going to receive an in school suspension. All of this was done to protect S14 and protect the safety of the other kids. It gave S14 a lot of confidence to handle it in a way that he would never be able to do with his dad. So now he has some notches on his belt that remind him he can be assertive under these kinds of conditions.

Honestly, I think in the teen years it's the peer relationships where the distorted parent/child stuff starts to play out, and in some ways that gives us opportunities to address core issues without even mentioning the BPD parent.

[ambivalentmom]

Honestly, I think in the teen years it's the peer relationships where the distorted parent/child stuff starts to play out, and in some ways that gives us opportunities to address core issues without even mentioning the BPD parent.

I hope so.  She is very smart and her desire to help others is astonishing, but I know I have to prepare her for people taking advantage of her kindness.  I like the role-playing idea.  Thank you LnL.