Contacting pwBPD's mom

[SummerStorm]

Now that I'm 5 months out of the first discard and 2 months out of the second discard (that one was after a month of just texting) with my former friend BPD, I decided to contact her mom and stepdad, just to reach out and express how sorry I am that she decided not to move out to live with them and to express my concern that things have continued to take a downhill slide since she was in the psych ward back in June (she continued to smoke pot every day, stopped going to therapy, started binge eating, ended her friendship with me, broke up with her boyfriend, found herself homeless, and was having trouble paying for anything because she was broke).  Her ex-boyfriend considered contacting her mom back in September, but he knows nothing about BPD and expects her to just be able to act like a normal person, so his main emotion has always been anger. 

I've never actually met her mom and stepdad, and it's hard to tell if they even know anything about me, so I knew I was taking a huge risk by contacting them.  However, I just wanted them to know that I hope she gets the help she needs and eventually makes it out to live with them (her ex told me that her mom had been researching treatment centers, including some residential ones).  More than anything, I wanted them to know that there is someone out there who is rooting for their daughter (she doesn't really have family in this state, and very few people know about what happened in June) and that I am sorry I am not able to do more, since she won't communicate with me at all.  Obviously, she is an adult and makes her own decisions, but if I were a parent, I would at least want to know that there are people who care about my daughter's well-being.       

I contacted her stepdad on LinkedIn two weeks ago, and he asked me to e-mail my message to him, so that he could forward it to her mom.  I heard nothing back.  Two days ago, I made one last ditch effort and wrote a very nice and supportive letter to her mom, telling her a bit more about me and the reason why I was unable to offer my former friend a place to live back in August.  I still haven't heard anything back.

My goal wasn't to have a bunch of back and forth communication with her mom, especially since we've never met, but it would be nice to at least get a 'thank you' or something.  I was hoping to maybe at least exchange one or two e-mails, as there are a few things I want to tell her mom that I didn't feel comfortable putting in an e-mail sent to her stepdad's work account, specifically some triggers I noticed that I want to make sure her mom is aware of, since she only sees her a few times a year.   Is this just a sign of the times?  Is the mom just as bad as the daughter?  Should I just lower my expectations with everyone from now on?  Or is she just at the end of her rope and doesn't know what to say to me? 

[formflier]

 

SummerStorm,

I'm a BLUF guy (Bottom Line Up Front)

Nothing good will come of this... .

Even if you knew these people well... .I would most likely have same advice.

These people are strangers.  What you have been told about them by your pwBPD traits... .may... .or may not be true.

My guess is that her mom is well aware of her triggers.

You are not responsible to make sure the mom doesn't trigger the daughter.

The daughter can find her own way in life... .

FF

[Turkish]

Without trying to guess a lot of details, her daughter's ongoing issues are likely a source of great pain for her mom. Her mom may have BPD traits, but that's not a given. She could just be a mother who's struggled with a very difficult child for a long time.

What are you looking for in this situation?

[cosmonaut]

I think you've done all you can do.  You've informed her parents that your friend is on a downward trajectory, and that's all you can do.  Trying to further pursue this is not likely to result in any positive outcome.  I think it's important to realize that her parents likely don't have any more influence or expertise in getting your friend some help than you do.  That's not your fault.  pwBPD have trouble in close relationships (lovers, family, close friends), and these relationships can be highly triggering.  Trying to discuss something that is as profoundly shameful to a pwBPD as their need for therapy is tricky even in the best of situations.  Given that she is this withdrawn, I think you have done everything you can do.  I realize that may hurt since your friend is being destructive, but we can't fix our loved one.  We can only love them.  The best thing you can do right now is to give her space.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi SummerStorm,

I understand your concern for your former friend, but I think contacting her family is going into fixer/helper mode. Do you see how this could be a form of rescuing?

Your intentions may be good, but inserting yourself into her relationship with her parents most likely will not end well.

You asked why the parents are not responding to your emails. Imagine what it must be like to receive emails from someone who they never met describing the behavior of their daughter. They may not feel comfortable discussing their daughter's problems with someone they do not know and most likely this is the reason they have not responded. 

Even as much as you care and want to help, the only person that can fix her behavior is her.

[SummerStorm]

SummerStorm,

I'm a BLUF guy (Bottom Line Up Front)

Nothing good will come of this... .

Even if you knew these people well... .I would most likely have same advice.

These people are strangers.  What you have been told about them by your pwBPD traits... .may... .or may not be true.

My guess is that her mom is well aware of her triggers.

You are not responsible to make sure the mom doesn't trigger the daughter.

The daughter can find her own way in life... .

FF

I'm more talking about the fact that my former friend BPD hides things from her mom.   

I do know for a fact that her mom has been married five times.   Now, whether or not that means anything, who knows?

[SummerStorm]

Without trying to guess a lot of details, her daughter's ongoing issues are likely a source of great pain for her mom. Her mom may have BPD traits, but that's not a given. She could just be a mother who's struggled with a very difficult child for a long time.

What are you looking for in this situation?

At least a confirmation that she got my e-mails.   For all I know, she could be terrible at checking them and hasn't even read them.   

Even a "thank you for your support" would be nice.

[SummerStorm]

Hi SummerStorm,

I understand your concern for your former friend, but I think contacting her family is going into fixer/helper mode. Do you see how this could be a form of rescuing?

Your intentions may be good, but inserting yourself into her relationship with her parents most likely will not end well.

You asked why the parents are not responding to your emails. Imagine what it must be like to receive emails from someone who they never met describing the behavior of their daughter. They may not feel comfortable discussing their daughter's problems with someone they do not know and most likely this is the reason they have not responded. 

Even as much as you care and want to help, the only person that can fix her behavior is her.

I didn't go into her behavior, so much as just let them know what happened between us that made it impossible for me to live with her when she asked me to.  I also wanted to let them know that she seemed serious about moving out with them.   

Her stepdad has been replying to me.  It's just her mom who isn't.   

[SummerStorm]

I guess what upsets me is the lack of acknowledgement.   I can understand not replying to my second e-mail, but the first one had nothing to do with anything other than me apologizing for not being able to offer her a place to live and saying I hope she moves out with her parents because I know they want that.   I didn't even say why I wanted her to move out there. 

I guess I am a bit pessimistic when it comes to parents.   I am a teacher and have had parents tell me I'm a terrible human being and that I should quit my job.  Recently, one of my students brought moonshine to school and let other students drink it, and instead of agreeing that the student should enter our alternative ed program, which offers support to students who struggle with drugs and alcohol, his parents threatened to sue the school if it took him out of the regular classroom.   Also, I teach over 100 students, but only 4 parents came to conferences this year, despite the fact that several students failed the first quarter. I've also written to parents and gotten no reply at all. 

[EaglesJuju]

I didn't go into her behavior, so much as just let them know what happened between us that made it impossible for me to live with her when she asked me to.  I also wanted to let them know that she seemed serious about moving out with them.   

Her stepdad has been replying to me.  It's just her mom who isn't.   

Do you feel bad about not allowing her to live with you?

[SummerStorm]

I didn't go into her behavior, so much as just let them know what happened between us that made it impossible for me to live with her when she asked me to.  I also wanted to let them know that she seemed serious about moving out with them.   

Her stepdad has been replying to me.  It's just her mom who isn't.   

Do you feel bad about not allowing her to live with you?

Yes.  As  her best friend, I should have been that backup place to live.  But she went through idealization and devaluation with me, and even though she said I'm not a trigger, I obviously am.  She is actually fine when living  with people she hasn't attached to.   She successfully lived with one former co-worker for a year, left during student teaching and lived with family friends bscause she wasn't making money, but then went back and lived with her again.   She had to move out again because her roommate was pregnant and needed the second bedroom for a nursery.   They talked but weren't close like we were.  So, I at least wanted to let her parents know why I can't offer her a place to live. 

If she hadn't idealized and devalued me (and also had sex with me), I would absolutely let her live with me.  The community I live in is nice and has natural boundaries in place that would eliminate some of her behaviors, at least when she is home (retired cop who knows my dad is a neighbor, very particular about who can and can't come into the community, etc.)  If I were a parent, I'd love for my child to live here.  From what I can tell, I'm the most stable and straight-laced person she's ever been friends with (rarely drink, no drugs, only have had two jobs, only ever lived two places in 30 years, two classes away from my Master's).  But I am also a trigger for her, for a variety of reasons, and so it just wouldn't work.

I think part of it was also me wanting to put an end to her playing the victim each time she needs a place to live.  There are probably lots of people in the past who would have once been willing to allow her to live with them, but because of her BPD, they just can't do it anymore.  For many, it was probably just the fact that she didn't talk to them for months and then just expected them to want to live with her, and for others (like me), it was because she raged at them, gave them the ST, and then expected one day to just be friends again.

I know that her mom is well aware of many of her behaviors, but I also wanted her to know that her friendships are also affected.  Based on FB, she has lots of friends.  I doubt she even mentioned me, so it wouldn't look bad when she ended our friendship.  Actually, she kept me from meeting them when they were here.  I'm tired of her playing the victim; it's as simple as that.

[formflier]

Yes.  As  her best friend, I should have been that backup place to live.  

Why is she not responsible for this?  How did a place to live become your responsibility?

But she went through idealization and devaluation with me, and even though she said I'm not a trigger, I obviously am.  

That is a good guess... .but there is no way to tell for sure.  :)iscussing triggers with a pwBPD outside of therapy is not a good idea.

 So, I at least wanted to let her parents know why I can't offer her a place to live.  

Hmm... but if you don't know her parents... .I'm still not clear on why this matters.  Even if you did know her parents really well... .I don't understand how this is your responsibility.

 has natural boundaries in place that would eliminate some of her behaviors,

Or she can find a way around the boundaries... .or create a reason to go somewhere else.

I think part of it was also me wanting to put an end to her playing the victim each time she needs a place to live.

I think you could find some big areas of personal growth if you can sort through this.  How her attitudes affect your life choices.

I know that her mom is well aware of many of her behaviors, but I also wanted her to know that her friendships are also affected.  

If her mom is well aware... .curious why her mom would be unaware that relationships have been impacted.

 I'm tired of her playing the victim; it's as simple as that.

Another place where sorting through this could be a big avenue for your personal growth.

FF

[EaglesJuju]

I understand how you could feel bad for not allowing her to live with you, but you had to what was best for you. Positive influences and environment could help, although you will never know. It seems as if she is going to do whatever she wants in the end.  Splitting/a lack of object constancy is a part of the disorder unfortunately and it is reasonable to not want to live with someone who is unstable emotionally.  

No matter how hard you try, you cannot change her behavior.  I know that is hard to understand, especially when you care so much and want the best for your friend. There is a gray area of helping and becoming too involved.

For awhile, I became too involved in my bf's life. He was engaging in self-harm and suicidal ideation.  He was using substances to cope, which is terrible for someone who struggles with self-loathing, shame, and self-harm.  One day I told him that it was stupid to avoid his problems with substances and he should stop. Every time he was high or drunk I made comments of disapproval or told him what he should be doing to help himself. I thought I was being kind and caring but he took it as me being controlling and acting like a parent. In retrospect, he was right. I was chastising him for his choices. It was not my job to fix him, rescue him, or be his parent/therapist. I realized that I added to his shame at times.  Although I did not agree with the way he was living his life, I stopped saying disapproving comments. I stopped trying to fix him and his life. He was not my responsibility. It was tough for me to let go of that mindset. Eventually, he started making positive changes in his life without my comments. For him to work on himself, he needed to do that on his own free of my help.  

I understand that you are tired of her playing the victim, but that is something she is going to have to fix. As you are familiar with BPD, there is this aspect of helplessness at times and instability. The helplessness and instability are a result of the inability to control emotions and triggers.  As long as there is someone there enabling and fixing their problems, the more it reinforces helplessness.  

[SummerStorm]

Yes.  As  her best friend, I should have been that backup place to live.  

Why is she not responsible for this?  How did a place to live become your responsibility?

It's not.  When she told me she needed a place to live, I didn't even offer.  It was a week later that she asked me, and the reason I gave was actually the truth: I still had months to go before I would be able to actually move into my house.  I didn't bring up the past or anything.  At that point in time, even if my own mother would have needed a place to live, I wouldn't be able to offer her one.  While it's not my responsibility to find her a place to live, I'm also in a situation that would allow me to offer a room for rent (living alone, have three bedrooms and a finished basement, and wouldn't mind eventually living with a friend).

But she went through idealization and devaluation with me, and even though she said I'm not a trigger, I obviously am.  

That is a good guess... .but there is no way to tell for sure.  :)iscussing triggers with a pwBPD outside of therapy is not a good idea.

I didn't bring it up.  After seeing her pop up on Tinder, I texted her and let her know that she might see me (I only recently started using Tinder).  She replied, "That's fine.  You aren't a trigger.  Why would you be?"  She was very open with me about her triggers.  Working at a high school, we often had to go to assemblies and workshops on homelessness, suicide prevention, and drug/alcohol addiction.  She made me aware of what might trigger her and what might not.  Regardless of whether she realizes it or not, I trigger her engulfment fears and bring back feelings of shame.  She tried to commit suicide right at the end of the school year and felt like she let all of her students down.  I still teach at the school and am close with some of the students she had in class.  Some of them call me "mom" and are planning on taking me out for dinner after they graduate in the spring.  These are students who, when they come home to visit from college next year, I would trust to have over to my house for dinner.  She also cheated on her ex-boyfriend with me and feels immense amounts of shame, as he was the one who called the ambulance and saved her life.

 So, I at least wanted to let her parents know why I can't offer her a place to live.  

Hmm... but if you don't know her parents... .I'm still not clear on why this matters.  Even if you did know her parents really well... .I don't understand how this is your responsibility.

Again, I don't know if they know about me or not.  It's very hard to tell.  She was idealizing me pretty heavily when she visited them in April, so I would imagine that she mentioned me at some point.  Her ex-boyfriend definitely knew who I was; I was the first one he contacted and one of the only people he contacted after he spoke to her mom on the morning she was rushed to the ER.  Because of this, I want to make sure that they know the whole story.  For my own peace of mind, I would like them to know that I'm not some awful person who turned her back on her best friend.

 has natural boundaries in place that would eliminate some of her behaviors,

Or she can find a way around the boundaries... .or create a reason to go somewhere else.

True.  There are always going to be BPD behaviors, but she hadn't used drugs for a few years and was pretty stable, up until her ex-boyfriend suggested that they smoke pot.  Obviously, she is an adult and makes her own decisions, but she had been clean and was proud of that.  Her ex-boyfriend had basically no boundaries at all.  He didn't even make her pay rent.  I still think that's a major reason why she chose to live with him instead of me.

I know that her mom is well aware of many of her behaviors, but I also wanted her to know that her friendships are also affected.  

If her mom is well aware... .curious why her mom would be unaware that relationships have been impacted.

She is aware of many of them, but not all.  Her ex-boyfriend told her mom about a lot of what was going on, but he never mentioned her rages or her physical abuse.  I know she is aware that romantic relationships have been affected, but I'm not sure how much she knows about her friendships.  She sees her maybe twice a year and has no idea that she doesn't actually see any of the friends she communicates with on Facebook.  She's been good friends with one of them for years, but in the nine months I knew her, she didn't see that friend once.  Also, she has always had a very close relationship with her stepsister and goes places with her whenever she visits, so that relationship hasn't been impacted at all.

[SummerStorm]

I understand how you could feel bad for not allowing her to live with you, but you had to what was best for you. Positive influences and environment could help, although you will never know. It seems as if she is going to do whatever she wants in the end.  Splitting/a lack of object constancy is a part of the disorder unfortunately and it is reasonable to not want to live with someone who is unstable emotionally.  

No matter how hard you try, you cannot change her behavior.  I know that is hard to understand, especially when you care so much and want the best for your friend. There is a gray area of helping and becoming too involved.

For awhile, I became too involved in my bf's life. He was engaging in self-harm and suicidal ideation.  He was using substances to cope, which is terrible for someone who struggles with self-loathing, shame, and self-harm.  One day I told him that it was stupid to avoid his problems with substances and he should stop. Every time he was high or drunk I made comments of disapproval or told him what he should be doing to help himself. I thought I was being kind and caring but he took it as me being controlling and acting like a parent. In retrospect, he was right. I was chastising him for his choices. It was not my job to fix him, rescue him, or be his parent/therapist. I realized that I added to his shame at times.  Although I did not agree with the way he was living his life, I stopped saying disapproving comments. I stopped trying to fix him and his life. He was not my responsibility. It was tough for me to let go of that mindset. Eventually, he started making positive changes in his life without my comments. For him to work on himself, he needed to do that on his own free of my help.  

I understand that you are tired of her playing the victim, but that is something she is going to have to fix. As you are familiar with BPD, there is this aspect of helplessness at times and instability. The helplessness and instability are a result of the inability to control emotions and triggers.  As long as there is someone there enabling and fixing their problems, the more it reinforces helplessness.  

In the past, positive influences and environment have helped.  When she lived with family friends last fall, she did very well.  They are a very close family and always included her in all of their family outings.  When she needed a place to live in the spring, I told her she should go back with them, but I think her feelings of low self-worth prevented her from asking them.  She sees herself as bad and not worthy of being treated nicely.  The guy she dated last December/January is in AA and NA and has really gotten his life back together since serving time in jail, so that was a good influence.   

Teaching kept her pretty stable.  It was only after she took on a long-term sub position that didn't require her to write lesson plans or grade essays that things really started going downhill.  When she was teaching English, she was required to submit lesson plans to the principal, and that kept her on the right path because there was a clear expectation and clear rules.  Teaching has deadlines (paperwork that is due, grades that have to be submitted, etc.) that she needed to follow, and she did.  When she student taught, she would sometimes stay at work until 8PM, making copies and grading papers.

Her most recent ex-boyfriend is a super nice guy, but he smokes pot and drinks a lot.  He also plays video games all the time.  It was very easy for her to slide back into old behaviors when she was with him. 

I know I can't change her behaviors, but I can set boundaries.  And if she lived with me, I would set them and then swiftly kick her out if she didn't respect them. 

When I found out she was smoking pot again, all I said was, "Be careful.  If that smell gets on anything that you bring to work with you, a student or another teacher might smell it."  Then, I told her that I would not smoke it and would not allow her to smoke it around me.  I also never said anything about her drinking.  I just made sure to not have anything stronger than beer at my house (and not that much of it).  When she suggested we go out and drink, I would suggest another option, like going to the movies.  I never even chastised her for mixing her medications with alcohol.  She also smoked cigarettes, and I enforced a boundary and wouldn't let her smoke in my car or even on my front porch because the smell of smoke bothers both me and my mom (my grandmother died from emphysema, and my mom has breathing problems due to being exposed to second hand smoke). 

And when she was cutting again, I said, "I understand why you are doing it, but I want you to know that it makes me very sad." 

Probably the closest I got to trying to fix her was when I kept telling her to ask the principal to observe her and then write a letter of recommendation for her, so she could apply for jobs.  And really, that was more due to the fact that I thought a position might open up at the school and knew she would end up getting it if she applied. 

I know she's not going to stop playing the victim, but at the same time, I also want to stand up and say, "Look.  In this case, she isn't the victim here."  Most of the people she talks badly about probably don't even know that she does, so they have no idea that their names have been dragged through the mud.  Even her ex-boyfriend still doesn't realize that most of what she says about people is either a lie or an exaggeration.