Feels hopeless sometimes?

[Ceruleanblue]

I try to stay upbeat, but it's so hard sometimes. I'll wake up in a good mood, only to find that BPDh is in one of his "moods". Of course, he refuses to admit it, or talk about it, but he sure doesn't mind taking it out on me. That gets old, very, very fast. I try not to take it personally, but come on, it's ME he is taking his moods out on, so it is personal! I don't think I'm to blame, or that I deserve it, but I'm the one having to deal with it.

Today, he woke up in one of his moods, and I got sniped at several times. About the third time, I took off to go to the store, and he texted an "apology". I sort of inquired what his plans for the day were, trying to gauge if I should stay gone, or go home(either could be a landmine with him). He said he was just waiting for me to "come home". I go home, and he's obviously pouting, and then proceeds to ignore me. Now, WHY would he say he's "waiting for me to come  home", but when I get there, he just wants to act out on me? I'm sick of the games.

Later, when I left again, he accuses me, or acts like I'm going out to meet up with someone. I'm tired of this too. It's been almost a solid year of him being suspicious of ME, when HE was the one who left me, and cheated! How unfair is this? I get accused when I've never cheated, never done anything to hide, and he always suspects me. I leave my phone everywhere, and have always told him he could pick it up anytime and look through it. I'm transparent. HE on the other hand, hides things, and hates if I ask him who he's texting. I don't see how this is fair. No, this isn't fair!

Also, he refuses to communicate. This is killing me. I'm able to communicate, and talk things through, and he refuses. He stonewalls, and acts super arrogant. I hate that. I always think things can be talked through, or we can together come up with some ideas. Nope. Not with him. He refuses. What sort of marriage, or any relationship, is that? He won't look at me when I'm talking to him, and he answers questions with questions. It's like a sick, mind game. And I get the odd sense that he ENJOYS doing that. He seems to feel powerful.

Today, he even told me to "find someone better", and alarm bells went off in my head. Maybe this why his ex "cheated"? Maybe he said that to HER for years? If someone is abusive to you, and keeps pushing you away, refuses to work on their issues, or communicate with you, then tells you to "find someone else", that they don't care, is it really even cheating? Now, I have zero intention of cheating, as that's just not who I am, but I now wonder if maybe his past is NOT quite the way he portrayed it. I know parts of it are still true(he does have physical scars, after all), but I can no longer totally blame his ex for cheating. Not since he's telling me to! Or telling me that he doesn't care.

We just got back from Las Vegas, and it too, was all about HIM. We did what HE wanted, he was rude to me very frequently, and I basically wished I hadn't gone. He'd begged me to go, and I went against my better judgement. He's just so used to getting his own way, and I think he's rebelling because he no longer always gets that from me. I pick my battles, but he can't just count on getting his own way. He acts mean towards me, I leave. I do not have to stick around and be abused.

Does this ever get easier? I want our marriage to work, and things have gotten "some" better, but then he'll have a day like today... .

[ArleighBurke]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Living with a BPD can be a long hard road.

I often wonder if the better things get, the worse they get. If BPDs fear intimacy, then having a relationship start to work out, and start to feel good, they'll get triggered (feeling engulfed) and try to push you away. And when you get pushed away they get triggered (abandonment) then try to drag you back in again. What a way to live... .

If he thinks you may cheat or leave (whether true or not) then he may try to push you away BEFORE you can hurt him.  Or telling you to "find someone better" maybe his strange way of voiceing that he's scared - he doesn't feel the relationship comfort and knows that he's not good for you. But rather than admit being scared, he lashes out. BPD.

It is tough. And I think being the partner you do get 95% of all his emotions. We just need to work out how to let them storm around us, but for us to stay protected in our bubble.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, it is a seemingly never ending game of push/pull. When things are "good", it's like he feels the need to blow them up. He asked me tonight if I'm "miserable with him", and he seemed so disappointed when I said "I'm not". Why would he be disappointed? It's like he thinks I should be, so he was disappointed in my answer? Would my saying I was miserable have validated his need to feel like crap, or what? I just don't understand it.

I am choosing to be as happy as I can under trying circumstances, and he's upset about that. I feel our outlook on things really does effect how we feel. I can sit and dwell on the negative(how I don't always like how he treats me), or I can choose to look at the small progress we've both made, and be thankful for what I do have. I am not burying my head in the sand, and I see the reality, but I do get to choose how I deal with it, and view it. I can choose to be negative or positive, and I'm trying hard to keep an even keel, for both our sakes.

And yes, as a partner, we do see so much of the lashing out, the negativity, and the ugly acting out. It's hard to feel respected or loved when we get so much of that all the time. In my case, I get to see him give others what I'm dying to have, and that's so hard. It feels like he stored up love and idealization to bestow on everyone else, but I'm left getting so much of the bad. His anger, that he won't express to others who deserve it(or I think even admit to himself), then gets unloaded on me. I don't even think it's a super conscious choice, but it's happened too long for me to not see a pattern.

He's frustrated that his kids have shut him out of their lives, and his grandkids lives, but he won't speak an ill word about it, gets super defensive in fact, but he'll trash talk one of my kids(usually undeserved, and if my kid was his, he'd be bragging him up, and doing handstands), and he'll say super crappy things to and about ME too. I feel he can't or won't direct justified hurt and anger towards his adult kids, so I get the brunt of that too, and blame. Logically, he knows he can't blame me, and he's had enough therapists tell him that, but I think deep down, he still does.

It's just been an awful day, and the negativity, and crap aimed at me was especially hard to take today. He ruined my fist ever trip to Las Vegas by being controlling and rude, and this weekend following our trip, he's still acting out. No idea why. I think I'll stay scarce tomorrow, and maybe he'll cool off... .

[ArleighBurke]

I'm a little confused by this:

He asked me tonight if I'm "miserable with him", and he seemed so disappointed when I said "I'm not". Why would he be disappointed? It's like he thinks I should be, so he was disappointed in my answer? Would my saying I was miserable have validated his need to feel like crap, or what? I just don't understand it.

Perhaps he sees you being dissappointed - and you seem to say you are. Or perhaps he is fully aware his behaviour IS dissapointing and needs you to say so. I believe there is a big difference between "you dissapoint me" and "I do find some of your behaviour dissappointing, expecially when you rage/actout, because I know what a loving supportive person you are."

I think saying you are not dissappointed is possibly invalidating!

[Ceruleanblue]

I did actually tell him that I love him, but that I don't love some of his behaviors. I've said that to him a lot though. He already knew that, which is why I thought it was weird that he asked me if I was miserable with him.

I don't view myself as miserable. I think life is harder than it needs to be, due to his PD, but I wouldn't say I'm miserable. I try hard to focus on the good in real life, and come here to vent.

Maybe you are right, and he did want me to validate that his behaviors aren't okay. I'd think he'd already know that by me addressing the abuse issues with him though?

Not sure how saying I wasn't miserable could be invalidating to him, unless he WANTS to make me miserable, which I actually think might be the case. He does seem to derive some sick pleasure in making me cry(which is why I try not to cry in front of him anymore), and he definitely takes sick pleasure in hurting me during sex(I set limits on that as well).

I'm not sure why he enjoys hurting me, but I definitely think he does. He must have huge amounts of self loathing, is all I can figure. I fear at times he's something worse than BPD, maybe in fact he could be a sociopath. I only think that because he really seems to get so much pleasure out of hurting me. What's sad is that it's so much harder for him to do now, because he's lost so much of my love and respect.

[ArleighBurke]

That does sound like a horrible situation to be in. Although you sound like you are learning and helping yourself. I know what it feels like to lose your 'love' for them - how i wish I could go back to being excited and giddy around my wife.

I think you having strong boundaries will be good. Like when being hurt during sex, or being forced to cry. Being able to stop, remove yourself and 'not play' should send a good message to him.

I keep thinking about the saying 'misery loves company'. If he feels bad, but you appear to feel good, it's easier for him to bring you down to his level, than to rise up to your level. I think that's where having strong boundaries and good self-worth helps. Your "goodness" needs to be stronger than his "badness" - often very difficult I know.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, he hasn't had much luck getting me to sink to his level. I'd never, ever treat anyone the way he is willing to. He judges without asking for clarification, or even listening when I explain. He's also willing to be cruel, and that's just not me. I certainly wish he'd come up to my level of kindness, and I've had myriad numbers of talks with him about how I learned to change my thinking in a more positive direction. I mean, it's always ongoing, but I really try hard to see good, and not just dwell on negative things. I just wish he could get off the negative, and the rush to paint me black. It's like it's a need for him to do that.

My boundaries are a lot better than they were a couple years ago, but he never stops wanting to test them, and I do think he resents me having any boundaries. My therapist and I talked a lot this week about guilt, and how it's used to manipulate. I've done tons of compromising, way more than my fair share, because I've felt if I don't he'll guilt me, and I view being a good partner as one who compromises. Well, there is a huge imbalance, and I'm rethinking that. Even if he guilt trips me, I'm not just going to cave and compromise. After all, it's not really compromise is it if one person just always gets their own way?