Having a hard time knowing what direction to go...

[samuraimindset]

Hi All,  I'm not sure where to start. I think I'll start with me and finish there as well, since ultimately that's where the responsibility for my emotions should align. I've fouggght depression for years. I was an abused child, ignored except when being punished.  I'm still that child inside sometimes, but in a 40 year old body. I've been going through a breakup and it's been bad. My 8 year long relationship crumbled 6 week's ago but it started falling apart years ago. She's a Filipina and I'm a tall white American. We moved into a new home together and agreed that I would raise the kids (her 2 kids) , manage the home, make repairs and upgrades, tutor the kids, transport them, to school and be there for them, as well as work part time and contribute where able. She made more money than I so it made sense. However after a few years she began to devalue me, downplaying my role in the relatiinship, calling me names, withholding affection, withholding sex, gave me the cold shoulder,  blamed and criticized me endkessly, made crazy unrealistic demands, idealized others and would compare me to them or even her ex. I fought like a tiger at first, feeling like if I didn't I wouldn't be able to continue loving her on any honest open level. She would lie to me and then justify it saying I was too jealous or possessive if I asked who she was with or where she was. She bought herself lavish things and still yelled at me for not making and giving her enough money. This summer she abandoned me and went on vacation with her sister and her kids without me. I lost it. I became verbally abusive and went through the house punching hokes in the walls, crying and swearing. She was gone a week. I repaired the holes but the damage was done. She left almost the minute she got back and started living with her sister. She demanded I get out of the house and told me that dispute our agreement she wasn't going to share any proceeds from the house (when she sells it ) with me, even after 8 years. Since she hadn't added me to the title like she'd promised I had no recourse but to file a lawsuit against her. She in turn filed a domestic violence restraining order against me even though throughout our entire relationship only she and she alone had been physically violent.  The biased judge in Napa county didn't care about what was right or true, she granted the order and gave her a move out order for me. Now she refuses to speak with me and I'm living like an animal, half broken and barely functiining. The of it all is that I knew her limitations and accepted them anyeay and because of that, I still love her. I feel like if I give up and turn away I'll be showing myself and her that unconditional love doesn't exist and I don't want to believe that. I'm hoping that by staying strong and waiting for her anger to subside, that she'll understsnd there are more important things in life than money. If I drop the lawsuit, there's nothing to guarenteed that she'll come back into my life and love me again. Part of me feels that I'd rather fight for half the house than risk getting nothing if I just walk away. I just don't know what to do. It's eating me up inside. I think she's narcissist instead of BPD but I'm not sure. I think I have dependency personality disorder but was never like this before. I'm confused and depressed.  Any imput is appreciated here. Thanks  

[Lonely_Astro]

Hi All, My name is Kevin and I'm not sure where to start. I think I'll start with me and finish there as well, since ultimately that's where the responsibility for my emotions should align. I've fouggght depression for years. I was an abused child, ignored except when being punished.  I'm still that child inside sometimes, but in a 40 year old body. I've been going through a breakup and it's been bad. My 8 year long relationship crumbled 6 week's ago but it started falling apart years ago. She's a Filipina and I'm a tall white American. We moved into a new home together and agreed that I would raise the kids (her 2 kids) , manage the home, make repairs and upgrades, tutor the kids, transport them, to school and be there for them, as well as work part time and contribute where able. She made more money than I so it made sense. However after a few years she began to devalue me, downplaying my role in the relatiinship, calling me names, withholding affection, withholding sex, gave me the cold shoulder,  blamed and criticized me endkessly, made crazy unrealistic demands, idealized others and would compare me to them or even her ex. I fought like a tiger at first, feeling like if I didn't I wouldn't be able to continue loving her on any honest open level. She would lie to me and then justify it saying I was too jealous or possessive if I asked who she was with or where she was. She bought herself lavish things and still yelled at me for not making and giving her enough money. This summer she abandoned me and went on vacation with her sister and her kids without me. I lost it. I became verbally abusive and went through the house punching hokes in the walls, crying and swearing. She was gone a week. I repaired the holes but the damage was done. She left almost the minute she got back and started living with her sister. She demanded I get out of the house and told me that dispute our agreement she wasn't going to share any proceeds from the house (when she sells it ) with me, even after 8 years. Since she hadn't added me to the title like she'd promised I had no recourse but to file a lawsuit against her. She in turn filed a domestic violence restraining order against me even though throughout our entire relationship only she and she alone had been physically violent.  The biased judge in Napa county didn't care about what was right or true, she granted the order and gave her a move out order for me. Now she refuses to speak with me and I'm living like an animal, half broken and barely functiining. The of it all is that I knew her limitations and accepted them anyeay and because of that, I still love her. I feel like if I give up and turn away I'll be showing myself and her that unconditional love doesn't exist and I don't want to believe that. I'm hoping that by staying strong and waiting for her anger to subside, that she'll understsnd there are more important things in life than money. If I drop the lawsuit, there's nothing to guarenteed that she'll come back into my life and love me again. Part of me feels that I'd rather fight for half the house than risk getting nothing if I just walk away. I just don't know what to do. It's eating me up inside. I think she's narcissist instead of BPD but I'm not sure. I think I have dependency personality disorder but was never like this before. I'm confused and depressed.  Any imput is appreciated here. Thanks 

Kevin,

Welcome to the boards.  The only input I can offer you is that you seek professional help for what you're going through.  You did mention that you were confused and depressed.  Now is the time to focus on yourself by getting that professional help that you deserve.  I've been there myself (currently going!) and (from my experience) it makes all the difference in the world.   All the best to you!

[babyducks]

hi samuraimindset,

I'm sorry to hear the difficulties you are having.  This is very tough stuff.   It is very difficult to know what is the best thing to do when everything is in turmoil.

Coming here and posting anonymously in a safe place can help.   

We also have a legal board where many members have experienced high conflict legal situations with their significant others.   you can find it at this link

Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody

Where are you living now?   Do you have support where you are?   Family or friends that you can lean on?

There is a lot on your plate right now.   It will take some time to sort through things.   There are a lot of helpful people here and a lot of valuable information.

The best thing you can do is keep posting.   Keep reading.   Keep coming back.

'ducks