Just moved in, now I know I need to move out…. but it ain't that easy…

[Ellie67]

We just rented a house together two months ago.  I have known him for a while - been off and on romantically involved.  Since sharing the house - the BPD traits have been much more apparent than I ever thought possible.  (I did know that he had mood swings, but only recently recognized the likelihood it could be BPD or NPD) I don't have the energy, nor the finances to move again. I have four children, though the two older ones are living with their dad, 20 min. away, because they don't want to deal with my friend/pseudo bf.  The younger two children tolerate him, and he treats them well.  They just don't enjoy seeing him lose his temper on me.  When it happens, I leave, with them, as calmly and positively as possible.

My question is - are there suggestions for coping until I am able to get another place - which will probably take two-three months? I have voraciously been reading the articles and posts here, and have the book by Shari Manning.  I know that I can only control my actions, but I have decided that it feels like I am living with a time bomb - not knowing when he will erupt, and I don't want this for me or my children.  I also know that he has a couple of other women that he visits for sex every couple of weeks.  Knowing that, I choose not to have a physical relationship with him.  But I was in love with him once (still am?) and it's hard knowing that he is out with someone else. When he is out of my life, and we are not living together, it is a non-issue for me.  With the present situation, it's just in my face…

Long-winded I know, thanks for taking the time to read and offer any insights. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ellie, It's not about love, in my view, because you can love a pwBPD and still find them impossible to be around.  I admire your courage at admitting that you made a mistake by moving in with him.  Yes, you are living with a time bomb, which is a good description of walking on eggshells, or walking through a mine field, as I call it.  You have already made the decision that you don't want this for you or your children, so you are way ahead of the game.  Now you will need to formulate an exit plan.  I am confident that you have the mental energy and ability to do it.  My only suggestion is that you keep your plans to yourself.  No need to set off the time bomb before you are ready.

LuckyJim

[JQ]

Ellie,

I see your new here so I"m glad you found us    It's a great place to be where others have or are experiencing a lot of what you're going through. You've already learned that you can ask questions to get some feedback ... .you've already learned that this is a great place to learn about BPD & other issues. SO I really commend you on all that you've done so far. Here you'll find no one judging you ... .just a friendly ear to listen. We can walk the journey for you but can be there to hold out a hand when you stumble, help you up ... .then it's up to you too continue the path your on, walk a different path or sit back down where you are ... .

With that being said ... .I know it must be hard as a woman & 4 kids total to survive in today's economy and living with someone who is BPD or causes you so much stress, anxiety. So i would suggest if you haven't read about setting boundaries yet to do that ... .start with something small ... .this is a boundary for you ... .not him. I would set a boundary that he NOT loose his temper with you ... .with or without the kids in the house but especially with the kids in the house. If he does then you have to let him know that you won't allow yourself to be treated like that & more importantly you don't want your children to see you treated like that. It sends the wrong message for several reasons. It tells them that you won't stand up for yourself when you're being bullied and it shows them that it's ok to be a woman & be treated like that. Neither one is good and kids are so impressionable. If he starts to rage against you is there a safe place you can leave & go to like your parents, sibling, or a close friend if evener the night or a couple of days? But you have to be ready to enforce the boundary if he violates it. It's quite obvious that he's not the good example of what a step father should be ... .so if you need help sorting out your feelings & thoughts I would suggest seeking out a therapist to help you with that.

As far as the other items ... .it'll be hard to enforce him from seeing other women if you're only talking about 60 - 90 days before you move out I don't know if that's a battle I want to fight. As long as you & the kids are safe thats the important thing. If things get to bad or you can't or don't want to stay any longer there are women support groups out there that will assist you in getting some assistance you need to find a safe place to live sooner rather then later but again that's up to you. You might not like him seeing other women that's "in your face" ... .but that won't cause you physical harm in the near term. It sucks ... .I know ... .but think long term.

I agree with lucky jim in that you keep your plan to yourself and keep your kids out of the loop ... .as they might accidentally say something at the wrong time. I would ask a family member or very close friend to help you plan your day of moving out ... .a big moving truck so you only have to make one trip ... .searching out a safe place to live ... .an apartment ... .a house/duplex/townhome to rent.

The important thing ... .first & foremost thing is to insure you & your kids are safe. If you need to ... .have them stay with their father until you can find another place ... .it sucks, but it's for their well being ... .maybe you can arrange other sharing visitations on a temporary manner. I actually know a woman who moved back in with her ex to share expenses so she can save money to move out in the future. They share 2 kids and it's awkward to say the least ... .but she's thinking long term and the overall well being of her kids.

You're not long winded Ellie ... .come back as often as you need to ... .as often as you WANT too ... .someone is always here to help ... .listen ... .

JQ

[Ellie67]

Thank you JQ and Lucky Jim - I had sorta decided to keep the plans to myself, and your affirmation is very helpful. Because sometimes… I just want to let it be known….

I am working on an exit plan (I guess I should be posting in the 'deciding to leave' board now? )

It currently looks like this, and I welcome thoughts, advice, and input.

1. Increase income so that I have options

2. Secure support of a friend or two that I could stay with overnight in the event that the situation here is not manageable. (no family in this area - tried to move back near - 1000 miles away -  them 4 years ago but ex husband wouldn't allow kids to move)

3. Garner support of that same former spouse, whom I have a decent relationship with currently, but whom does not like my roommate/pseudo bf at all - won't even be in same room with him… In the event I need to get out of the house and have kids stay with him for a short while (he also works a lot, and is rarely home)

4. Find a place in my kids' school district that is nice and affordable (one of the bigger challenges in this plan, as I live in an expensive area... )

    a.  search on own

    b.  use a realtor

    c.  put the word out

    d.  remember that I am good at making stuff happen

5. Continue to downsize my stuff, so that when I do exit, it is easy enough to do, with one truckload.

6. Continue to have beautiful moments with my children - easing them (and me) through this transition. 

7. Take time every few days to nourish my own soul - walk with a friend, play music, kayak, garden, drive somewhere completely unexpected, write….

RE the setting of boundaries: I have tried this.  Have said that I can't have him talk to me/yell at me like that.  In calm moments, he KNOWS, agrees, apologizes.  In other moments, well, I wouldn't be here if it were a mutually respectful relationship.  I know the value of regulating my own emotions, validating, etc.  It's a work in progress, or perhaps a journey. How do we set boundaries? I feel like I have very little leverage - I can say that it won't be tolerated, but if he doesn't give a rat's ass, what then? As I am walking out the door, he is still hurling nastiness out the door behind me.

I am thankful for this site.  I have only been on it a short time, never even realized there were others in these same circumstances.  Your wisdom is invaluable.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Ellie67, You're welcome and we are here to help.  No, you are not alone.  Believe me, many of us, including me, have been down this path before you.  Your exit plan, I think, is sound.  I admire your resolve and ability to see the situation clearly.  It's common to get lost in the F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) which is how a pwBPD manipulates and controls the Non.  Be prepared for your BF to use one (or all) of these techniques and don't fall for it.

If I could add one thing to your list, it would be to find a confidant with whom you can be totally honest about what's going on.  Until you find someone, maybe use this Board for that purpose.  The reason is simple: a pwBPD counts on a Non's silence, not to mention shame and embarrassment, in order to keep doing what they do.  We Nons, and I'm including myself here, tend to keep the dirty secret that our SOs regularly act out with rage and abuse, which only perpetuates the problem.  In my view, there's a benefit to bringing the dark side of BPD into the light of day.  You're on the right path just by posting here.

LuckyJim