Hi all, I want to share my story as, like the majority of folk on this site, I am hurting. They say never start anything with an apology but I feel there is quite a bit I need to get off my chest but I will try and be as concise as possible.
So I bought my very first flat last September and met the next door neighbour who bought and moved in on the same day - literally we are the only two flats on the top floor. I went over with a bottle of wine to introduce myself to find a beautiful blonde polish girl who met me with the biggest smile. We instantly hit it off and she was hooked on everything I was saying and had a great chat. I went home thinking 'Hey, she's a cute neighbour'. Over the next few days she kept knocking my door in the evening after work and inviting me over for more wine and a chat. I thought 'Ok, she seems to have taken a shine to me'.
She came across as having her life together, a decent job etc etc. She stated she had been engaged twice but it hadn't worked out. Her first bf was an ass but the second one she had split up with she had been with for 5.5yrs and was a 'nice guy'. She asked me how I felt about cheating and I told her I couldnt stand it. She said she had felt that way too but had ended up having an affair with a married man whilst engaged to her fiancee for about a year and a half. She said she didnt believe the old adage of once a cheat always a cheat. Anyway we exchanged numbers and pretty soon she was texting me daily. I started getting attracted to her pretty quickly.
To give a timescale, she moved into town in March, split with her fiancee in April. She told me she had slept with a guy from work but once he said he loved her she said she loved him too as a friend but told him she didnt want him anymore and ended it in August. However, that didnt add up as post september he was still coming round to watch DVDs and one night she text me saying he wanted to stay over and what should she do? I thought the answer was obvious so told her to say no and he left that evening.
We slept with each other pretty quickly after and she felt shame saying she felt like a slut but everytime she came over we got physical but she didnt want to commit, The married guy was also still in her life texting her too. She invited me over for coffee one day but told me her 'friend' was coming over and seemed nervous always checking her phone. She said if he left his wife she would get with him - this made me feel like crap as I already liked her by that point and we had been intimate. When the buzzer went I left and he came over, stayed 2 hours and went. She came over about 30mins later - no longer in her black sexy dress but in a big wooly jumper which just said 'post sex' to me. Months later she admitted they did sleep with each other. Anyway she sensed I was pissed and ended up sitting next to me and kissing me.
Weeks went on and the statements like 'I've never felt so comfortable with someone before' and 'I love how you know what to say to make me feel better' and ;you're the best thing to happen to me in a long time' classic BPD waif comments. All the time talking about how much of a victim she had been in her past relationships. I wanted to help her and save her and promised I would never do anything to hurt her and she loved it. We went on nice walks and had some lovely laughs together and I was getting closer to her every day and I felt she was too,
Things continued like that until a day before my birthday when she met married man for coffee and I was freaking out checking my phone all the time. She came back and seemed ok and had bought me chocolate
- but I felt sick. Why would she still want to meet him? She told me later she had kissed him but that was all... .I have my doubts now that they just went for coffee.
My birthday came and I was meant to stay over at hers (yes nextdoor!). She did a scavanger hunt with my presents and made me dinner and a homemade cake and said she had never gone to that effort before with anyone. But when I went to kiss her she turned her head. Naturally I challenged her and she said "Sorry Im not over someone yet ie married guy, and that yesterday had upset her. I felt crushed, absolutely crushed.
I spent the rest of the week ignoring her as felt it was over. She kept texting and sent me the nicest birthday wishes which totally didnt add up. I stayed resolute and didnt really text much. Eventually on the Friday she said she didnt think there was any more reason to talk. I liked the fact she had been chasing me and felt hopeful so I told her I didnt appreciate how she had acted and that if she was as sorry as she made out we could tak that evening. I went over and she was all loving and said she was now over the guy (in a week?) and we had amazing make up sex. I said to her no more quasi relationships we are ether seeing each other or thats it and she agreed to start making it official. She told me she had cut all contact with her married guy and I believed her.
Things were pretty good for a while after that and I believed it might work. She had told me her mum, although in Poland, was in love with the sound of me and her best friend thought I might be 'the one'. Howeve, work guy who she'd had a thing with was always mentioned in conversation and she said she didnt see him as an ex=partner despite sleeping with him and going on dates with him. That started to work me up she said he had bought her tickets to see a show in a few months and was going to see it 1 on 1 with him - she didnt get why I said that was inappropriate.
She went to Poland and was texting me non stop saying how much she missed me etc and how if I ever met her parents they would ask me when I was going to have a baby with her! The scary thing is, I wasnt even freaked out. She kept trying to assure me that it was a joke and not to get freaked out which I told her I wasnt. She came back from Poland and had amazing sex and I felt so close to her. I should say a few weeks prior I had told her I loved her and she said she loved me too and had wanted to tell me for a while... .looking back far too soon on both our parts but I was under her spell.
Then DISASTER! She went all weird and cold. To read her texts you would think no problem but I sensed distance immediately. I couldn't understand it she didnt want me to come with her to certain appointments and on the day of her xmas parts said she would make her own way home as she felt ill (I was working that night but we had planned on me picking her up). Months later she told me she had kissed work guy at the party (and I reckon more) she was hysterically crying and begging on her knees for me not to break up. She claimed she didnt remember and only had a dream like recollection of it happening.
Things came to a head and I could take no more so I challenged her about why she was so distant after being so interested and it blew up in a fight. I had found emails between her and married man and they were flirting on social media and so that caused an argument as well as work guy still being all over her and we split up! I've got to say at this point I was annoyed at her and told her it wasnt working. She was texting like crazy and wanted to rekindle our romance. It was close to xmas by this point. IN one of our discussions she was saying she wanted it to work but out of nowhere said 'Is it ok if work guy comes and stays the night as we are going to the xmas market together?) at the time I said do what you like we're not together but looking back what the hell was she thinking? Months later I asked if anything happened and she said he tried to sleep in the same bed with her but she didnt let him... .I now doubt that too.
Anyway we got back just before xmas but work guy came round with presents to give her. Again I thought I wouldnt do that to a guy with a gf but kept quiet for fear of causing an argument. She started talking about moving in together which was music to my ears.
DISASTER 2 - we had a massive argument at new year over work guy. We made up on New Years Day and it was pretty good for a bit after that.
We went on holiday to Poland in Feb for valentines day and for the first few days got on great until we had a massive falout and she spent the majority of the holiday distant and moody. She was always starting to get moody now over the smallest of things. I hated that holiday as I felt like I was walking on egg shells (something she said he fiancee had said about her and how she caused all the arguments). We made up last day of the holiday and I was so relieved.
Over the weeks more push/pull - love yous contridicted by I dont think I love you as much as you want me to. She even said the thought of living with me horrified her but she had been excited when she had talked about it to her fiancee. But the next morning she was all weepy saying she didnt mean it and that as an illustration of how ###### up she was if I asked her to marry her now she would be the happiest girl in the world. I should add she is 32 and broody as hell and said she ahd planned to have 2 kids by now.
Things continued alternating between weeks she seemed to be moodier and moodier over tiny things and admitted it takes the tiniest thing to switch her mood. She got depressed too saying she found it hard to love and always pushed away those closest to her and she was messed up. I told her I wouldnt leave her and she said of thats true then you'll probabably die then and she'd still be alone. But on the flip side she was so loving and attentive.
She went on a work night out and ended up, when everyone else left, going for a drink with work guy 1 on 1 and walking home with him. She denied going back to his flat but said she started walking home at 10pm but didnt get in until 2am (her texts stopped during that time too). I kicked off again. But despite how logical my arguments were she just could not grasp what she had done wrong. I felt needy and crazy but Id never had this problem before with any gf.
She sent an Easter car to married man and included his wife in it too! And caused a big fallout again and she couldnt see what was wrong and stormed away from me after a lovely day together.
Anyway, went to Poland in May for a big family event and her family fell in love with me. But half of the wau in she caused a major fight with us which soured the trip.
Fast forward to July - she told me about the kiss with work guy at xmas.
August - booked an amazing all inclusive holiday to Turkey at a couples resort. By now we had argued and split up before getting back a few times now and I felt like she was completely different to when I first met her. Holiday was awkward especially against the backdrop of loving couples. She felt distant and hard to talk to broken with moments where she was loving and nice. She told me a few times how guys had been hitting on her and the barman kissed her on the cheek when she went to the toilet. The DJ took a massive shine to her and I told her to watch out for him but that was me being jealous. We had an absolutely devastating fallout on holiday and effectively split up towards the end of holiday putting a horrible spin on it. We half made up but it wast the same.
On the last night DJ added her to Facebook and I caught her by surprise in the bathroom messaging him. I asked her why and she said she was being friendly and she was telling him about the barman kissing her. I asked her why she hadnt told me and she said because I would get angry.
We got home and despite being loving again on the last day she broke up with me as soon as I helped her up the stairs with her bags. I just walked away. I was so fed up of the relationship by now but strangely addicted and I felt she wouldnt leave me due to our history.
Well space for a month but she kept messaging. She went to Poland and would text me everyday and we started to rekindle again but then I called her out on all the untrustworthy things she had done and she went off saying I would never trust her... .well who could blame me!
We got back together for 2 weeks after she came back! I was kicking myself as I felt we shouldnt. Anyway ended up having another massive fallout and she was all to quick to split up again. HOWEVER this time, I found out 'shall we say' that she had been on a dating app and had been speaking to a guy before we split up. She met up with him 3 days later and Ive not heard a peep from her. I then found out she was seeing him and sleeping with him only 3 weeks after a whole year together and appeared unfazed at all. While Im sitting her with my guts hurting like hell.
This might be the dumbest question ever composed but... .does the forum think she has BPD?
I'm kicking myself that its going to work with this next guy and it was my fault or I wasnt the one for her and it hurts.
Theres loads more I could say about her like complaining of headaches all the time, being really tired etc etc.
All comments would be greatly appreciated
(Sorry for such a long post)
