Frustrated

[rarsweet]

So I have noticed ex saying things to daughter I don't like. She is 15 months old now and we all know how toddlers can be. He calls her spoiled all the time. If she reaches for something he calls her spoiled. If she cries when she can't get something he calls her spoiled. One day he said at an exchange "watch this" and he held out his keys to her and when she reached for them he pulled them back and of course she cried. He said " see that means she's spoiled". At her first dentist appointment she was pretty tired and cranky after. He was saying " see this is exactly what I didn't want, a spoiled brat" Apparently the other day when my mom dropped daughter off to him she was crying when he was putting her in the car seat and ex said " oh this is what she does when she doesn't get her way." One time he handed her his keys and she hit the alarm button. He snatched them back and was telling her to hit the unlock key. She kept hitting the alarm button every time he handed them back. He was getting angry and saying " No daughter this one" and pointing to the unlock button. He did this maybe 12 times. She starts crying, he gets mad, calls her spoiled. I told him she is hitting the alarm button because it is the only red button, the others are all grey, they don't catch her eye. He basically said she should do what he tells her and he is telling her to hit the unlock button. I was like what the heck she is a baby. He starts breathing hard and says "nevermind" and just opens the door and puts her in her carseat crying. I tried doing things together like toddler library time and go to the playground together. I just can't even stand being around him with daughter anymore because I can't stand the way he is with her. One day when he was walking away with her she was walking beside him and he wanted her to hold his hand. Well she wouldn't and kept crying. He kept picking her up and putting her down saying " I'm not moving until you hold my hand". Just over and over until she just kept crying and he got mad and picked her up. Is it just me that sees something wrong here? Am I overthinking this? She is just 15 months old, her behavior seems normal to me. I don't want her to throw a fit if I won't let her touch something hot but I don't stand there and call her spoiled when she cries.

I have noticed what I think is him disassociating for a long time, since we were together. It happened at the library and we had to leave. A couple of weeks ago my mom brought daughter to my work and ex picked her up from there. When he was in my work of course my boss tried to be nice and talk to him. All of a sudden he literally just turned around with daughter and walked out. Not a word. My boss asked me what the hell was wrong with him. The other night when he was dropping her off he did the same thing. He handed her to me and I started talking, asking him about what time he could pick her up next. He literally turned without a word and got in his car while I  was looking at him and talking. I have this little flat field right across from my house. It's only a small 2 way street. He was coming to pick up daughter and he was running late. I took daughter outside to play and kill time. She was in bright pink I was wearing a bright blue shirt and green puffer vest. I have big curly long hair. We were just across the street on the sidewalk in front of the field playing with acorns. I watched him drive down the street to my house and park at the curb. I like to let daughter see him get out of the car and try to get her excited and walk to him. This time he was just sitting in his truck. I was like what the heck is he waiting for. All of a sudden my phone goes off and it's him texting me saying he is right outside waiting. I texted him back and said "look left". We were literally just a 2 way street length away and he never noticed us with all our bright clothes on chasing acorns. His field of vision driving to my house included where we were. It's a straight street. Imagine you are at a stop sign and look left. That's how close we were and he didn't notice. It was scary He still isn't working and the friend who he is staying with is facing eviction for having him stay there. .He actually wants this friend to move with her two teenagers to a bigger place that will allow him to live there too. Then he tells me last week he just realized he is going to have to pay in for taxes since he received some unemployment and asked me how much I was going to get for a tax refund. Then he asked me what I thought about sending daughter to this private school near us. I was just laughing in my head. It costs like 30 grand a year to go there. He isn't even buying diapers. I bought daughter a little potty recently. Just so she gets used to seeing it, not pushing her to use it. I was getting her ready for a bath and when I took her diaper off she actually went and sat on it. Just sat. It was so cute I took a picture. I sent ex the picture and he responded "that's exactly what we want, that's what we have to do with her" I was thinking how the hell am I going to potty train her? He spends some time at different friends houses when he has her. Just for 6 hours. Or he rides around looking for deer and stuff with her. He isn't consistent enough to have her a potty. He hadn't even bought her a crib by the time he got homeless. From September 2014 to August this year he had 50/50 time and had her sleeping in a pack and play so he could go wherever with her. No crib. His car, a blazer, is packed to the brim with clothes, blankets, chip bags, bottles, it's horrible. Right now he only has her for 6 hours Thursday and Saturday, and 4 hours Friday since my mom can't babysit those times. I am wondering if I should try to change this and to what?

[Turkish]

I like your bosses take on it.  

If he can't deal with a 15 month old, how is he going to be as she ages? A teenager?

If I had a sick and twisted sense of humor (which I do), I would imagine scenes like you describe to paint a portrait of a sick and twisted parent. He's puposefully doing things to upset little D in order to get some type of weird validation of his distorted world-view. Maybe his mommy or daddy did things like that to him, but that's his problem. A child isn't responsible for her parent's feelings, much less a 15 month old... I had a friend who used to do controllng stuff like this... .to his dog.

This feels like emotional abuse to me: he's tramatizing her. He sounds so dysregulated that he may likely tell the judge, "but she's spoiled!" in court.

[rarsweet]

In the middle of August he became homeless. At that point I had daughter all the time instead of 50/50. Sometimes it seems like he is implying I am making her "spoiled". She is an amazing little girl. She is of course a normal 15 year old who is starting to practice throwing tantrums and gets frustrated. Part of what I see though is she is responding to him. He shakes when he puts her in the carseat. He can barely breath. I don't know what's up with his breathing but he has been on asthma meds for years. He doesn't smoke and is slightly overweight now. My mom says he breaths worse than a 30 year smoker. It is very weird. So she starts crying when he puts her in the carseat and he gets mad.  Last week I caught her walking around my house breathing like him. Huffing and puffing all around pacing. It freaked me out. She was copying him. I work at a resturaunt. Very family friendly. We employees, 15 or so of us, have a lot of kids between us. Our kids have the run of the place. Daughter even goes in the kitchen door by herself, today she went up to the soda machine with a cup by herself, brought one of my customers a spray bottle, said hi, shocked the old lady, was pretty funny. She runs around to everyone. Even grabbed a vodka bottle behind the bar one day(I was right beside her). She is very comfortable and outgoing there.  When ex brings her in she doesn't talk at all, doesn't walk around, just like a different kid. It's weird. And his behavior is strange enough that people other than my boss ask me about it. It's exactly why our judge once asked him if he was on drugs. His behavior is so bizarre. I am trying very hard to coparent, to get along, I am afraid of rocking the boat. He really thinks that if he found a place to live we will just go back to the 50/50 schedule. Then he asks me if my mom would babysit for him if he got a job since he doesn't know anyone. Then he asks me if I could change my work hours if he got a job so daughter wouldn't need a sitter. I've been at my job 4 and a half years, and now am working at a former second job. I'm not changing anything about my work for him. Then he asks me a couple of weeks ago "think you would come hang out with us at my place when I get one since you don't want me at yours? We could have "play dates". sometimes I miss the kiss" I responded and said I'm not interested in dating or play dates. He said "ok maybe we can just be huggers". I am just amazed.

[GaGrl]

Delusional.