Finding my feet again...trying to understand.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'll start of by saying hello, and admit that I feel a little unsure about "reaching out" and trying to find a way to understand what the hell has been going on in my life for 16 years. So, hello, I think I need this. I'm not sure what to post on my first introductory post, so I apologize if it is too long and maybe somewhat hard to follow. It's been so difficult to process these last few years. But I will try.

I've been married for 16 years to the love of my life. It's been an amazing 16 years but those years have been wrought with extreme difficulty, joy, pain, happiness, adventure, and more pain. To the point now, that we are separated... .again. We've been separated 5 times now. This time, I left for the first time, but I was under extreme duress. Been apart for almost 3 months this time, and I just don't see how this is a good thing anymore. We have 5 children, all whom have experienced, the effects of what I believe is my wife suffering from BPD, and my inability to understand this... .until recently. She's been in therapy for nearly 2 years now, she's only told me she's been diagnosed with severe PTSD. But then uses language like, "High-Functioning". Lets say I have my suspicions. Somehow, I came across and email to a friend of hers, where she outright tells this person she has been diagnosed with a disorder. But the tone and manner in that email was laughing about it. But she denies it to me. I really don't understand. Maybe it's not BPD, maybe its something entirely different. All I know, is that I have little influence in her life anymore. What I can do, is get help for myself, try to become a better husband, the one she deserves, and if God is willing, we can stay family.

But, much of the experiences I have had with my wife literally have left me feeling like I am going crazy. Even though so many of our friends are aware of her patterns and behavior, it's affected all of her relationships. We've had many good friends over the years that she will at some point find a reason that they should not be friends, usually as they try to hold her accountable for her behavior in the friendship. But she convinces herself its them, and just drops them and walks away. Like she's done with me for 16 years.

I struggle with talking about this topic with anyone outside of just a few people I can trust, because, in someway... .I think I can sound so selfish when talking about this. I know I have my own issues, and without question have caused damage in my marriage. I am in no way perfect. But, what needs to be spoken is more than normal problems. How do you talk about this topic without sounding like your always blaming the other person?... .does this make sense?  or Maybe I am crazy.  Sigh.

I don't want to divorce my wife, she says she doesn't either. She just wants to heal. And by me not being around to stir the pot so to speak, is allowing her time to do this. She declares that even if this takes the rest of her life, she says it's worth it. I want for her to heal, I just struggle with the way she needs it. I see it like i'm dying slowly, not only am I unwelcome as husband, but I don't get to see my kids as much as I would like, and that they need. I can't imagine living married, apart, until she deems she's healed. How does that work? Can someone with BPD just avoid having to deal with the marriage, and the damaged caused by he BPD to the marriage? Like I said, I just don't understand. But I'm here, because I want to understand. I want to help her get the healing she so badly wants. And I want the same thing for myself.

Thanks for taking time to read this.

[runningtherapids]

I'll start of by saying hello, and admit that I feel a little unsure about "reaching out" and trying to find a way to understand what the hell has been going on in my life for 16 years. So, hello, I think I need this. I'm not sure what to post on my first introductory post, so I apologize if it is too long and maybe somewhat hard to follow. It's been so difficult to process these last few years. But I will try.

I've been married for 16 years to the love of my life. It's been an amazing 16 years but those years have been wrought with extreme difficulty, joy, pain, happiness, adventure, and more pain. To the point now, that we are separated... .again. We've been separated 5 times now. This time, I left for the first time, but I was under extreme duress. Been apart for almost 3 months this time, and I just don't see how this is a good thing anymore. We have 5 children, all whom have experienced, the effects of what I believe is my wife suffering from BPD, and my inability to understand this... .until recently. She's been in therapy for nearly 2 years now, she's only told me she's been diagnosed with severe PTSD. But then uses language like, "High-Functioning". Lets say I have my suspicions. Somehow, I came across and email to a friend of hers, where she outright tells this person she has been diagnosed with a disorder. But the tone and manner in that email was laughing about it. But she denies it to me. I really don't understand. Maybe it's not BPD, maybe its something entirely different. All I know, is that I have little influence in her life anymore. What I can do, is get help for myself, try to become a better husband, the one she deserves, and if God is willing, we can stay family.

But, much of the experiences I have had with my wife literally have left me feeling like I am going crazy. Even though so many of our friends are aware of her patterns and behavior, it's affected all of her relationships. We've had many good friends over the years that she will at some point find a reason that they should not be friends, usually as they try to hold her accountable for her behavior in the friendship. But she convinces herself its them, and just drops them and walks away. Like she's done with me for 16 years.

I struggle with talking about this topic with anyone outside of just a few people I can trust, because, in someway... .I think I can sound so selfish when talking about this. I know I have my own issues, and without question have caused damage in my marriage. I am in no way perfect. But, what needs to be spoken is more than normal problems. How do you talk about this topic without sounding like your always blaming the other person?... .does this make sense?  or Maybe I am crazy.  Sigh.

I don't want to divorce my wife, she says she doesn't either. She just wants to heal. And by me not being around to stir the pot so to speak, is allowing her time to do this. She declares that even if this takes the rest of her life, she says it's worth it. I want for her to heal, I just struggle with the way she needs it. I see it like i'm dying slowly, not only am I unwelcome as husband, but I don't get to see my kids as much as I would like, and that they need. I can't imagine living married, apart, until she deems she's healed. How does that work? Can someone with BPD just avoid having to deal with the marriage, and the damaged caused by he BPD to the marriage? Like I said, I just don't understand. But I'm here, because I want to understand. I want to help her get the healing she so badly wants. And I want the same thing for myself.

Thanks for taking time to read this.

[unicorn2014]

Hi running the rapids and welcome to BPD family. 

That sounds very painful.

Can you identify some of her behaviors that seem BPD to you? You said you are not sure if she has BPD. Do you think that if you got a better understanding of the disorder it might help you to get a little bit better sense of direction? (I noticed you posted on the undecided board.)

There is also a board here on coparenting. I know you and your wife are not split, however you did mention you have 5 kids and you don't get to see them as often as you might wish. You might also want to take a peek at that board and see if any of the posts resonate with you.

[runningtherapids]

Hi Unicorn2014,

I've read so much about BPD, and honestly, most of the behaviors associated with the disorder I would say she presents. Mood swings, fear of abandonment, splitting, dysregulation, projection, severe dissociative symptoms, victim image, unstable relationships with others, severe anxiety at points, eating disorder, distorted body image, infidelity, which is our most recent struggle. She's never done self harm, so to speak, but has frequently shaved her head, or cut her hair so short, dye it colors, which is totally out of character for her. Her emotional state is often like that of an angry teenage girl, which is usually coupled with the cutting hair and coloring it. She typically refuses to take responsibility for her actions, especially when I try to talk to her (hold her accountable) for actions that have negatively affected me or whole family. Yet, she will always tell me about the shortcomings and actions that I do that are negative to her.

She typically will make it my fault for the way she behaves. It leaves me with a, damned if I do, damned if I don't, feeling. If she notices that I am not sharing something, she gets upset that I am withdrawing and says I don't love her anymore. She frequently tells me I don't talk enough about what I'm feeling. She seems at points to genuinely want to know what I'm struggling with, but if it has anything to do with her, it's an immediate reaction of "it's your fault". Or, I was abused growing up, and all these people did horrible things to me, response. It's always her way or the highway, with any topic. What, I feel would be very normal topics that married people need to have about parenting style, how do we educate, how long should the baby sleep in our bed, etc, which I thought would be rational conversations, where we could honestly share our opinions, and compromise, never work that way. Usually, her opinions hold absolute sway over mine, she bases decisions from emotional standpoints, rather than rational reasons. My opinions are never valued or considered. I'm always having to agree with her, even if I don't. I know my withdrawing has only added to the problems.

Upon researching this disorder, it appears that quiet often it is caused by severe trauma in very early childhood. Such as sexual abuse. Or, early bonding deficiencies with the parent. Both of these come into play for her. There has always been little glimpses and memories of previous sexual abuse come up for her. Early in our marriage it happened during, Intimate times, between us. During or after sex she would just start crying. Often times she didn't know why, or would say she had a memory or an image come up, that made her feel scared or ashamed. This left me feeling like I did something wrong. Had I any context for this, I should have seen we needed help early on. I've tried over the years to just listen when she needed to talk about these feelings or memories, and it seemed to help in ways for her to get it off of her chest. But there was always something lying deeper down, that until about 2 years ago was still buried.

This "monster" memory popped up 2 years ago, and nearly destroyed us. She would "come and go" most of the time. By that I mean it was like sometimes, my wife was there and present sometimes and other times it was like someone totally different would be present. Drastically different personalities almost. A friend who was aware during most of this, called it flipping. Then one day, she was not her anymore. She accused me of abusing her, set up countless boundaries, and threatened to call the police on me. This was immediately following a night where I confronted her about my suspicions she was pursuing a relationship outside of our marriage. She left me no choice but to leave. Then I got served with a restraining order, and immediately divorce papers. And 2 years of trauma and drama have followed. Extreme mood swings, one day she's all about reconciling and I love you we can do this, and the next, get out. Sometimes, it's changes like that in a matter of minutes or hours. So, almost 3 months ago, during a stressful time for us both, I tried to share with her how I was feeling, and I barely got a sentence out and she says, "you made up your mind, go!" Her father got involved which has also been an ongoing problem for our relationship, and he unloaded on me, and she never once stood up for me, and said we needed to separate. I did not want this, but my father in law, was poising himself as taking over, and they both left me no choice but to leave. So, here's where I find myself today.

[unicorn2014]

That sounds really difficult running the rapids.  

The first thing I want to ask is do you have a therapist for yourself?

The second thing I want to ask in regards to your father in law is have you heard about triangulation? Its something I struggle with within my own relationship and FOO. There's a lesson about it. Its where a person brings a third person into a relationship to stabilize it, in this case your wife bringing your father in law in.

I can see if I can link to the lesson if you are interested.

You definitely seem like you have a good understanding of your wife. I agree with you about early sexual abuse causing BPD. I can relate to what you're saying about your wife's opinions/feelings holding absolute sway, but I do believe with work done on the board that can be changed. That sounds like it might be a boundary issue. I will let the more experienced members address that one.

I am glad you found BPD family and I hope that we can be of some use to you.

[runningtherapids]

Early on, right after the divorce proceedings began, I did go to a counselor. I was an absolute wreck, I couldn't focus on anything, my performance was slipping at work, etc. The focus during that time was to get myself centered and stop the adrenaline system from firing. I couldn't sleep, eat, or focus on simple things. I was completely in my head so to speak. Those sessions did wonders for me, and I was able to get a grip and deal with what was happening.

We then relocated to another state, near family, and we found a counselor that we were seeing both individually and together. Our oldest two kids were going as well, given they were the most "aware" during the worst of it. At this point, I'm a considerable distance away from them, and have not been able to find someone locally. I'm trying as we speak to get back to where my wife and kids are, and seek out a new professional that has experience with BPD. I realize I need and independent therapist, just as my wife does.

I'm intrigued by this, Triangulation. sorry, Im not sure what FOO means. But I would like to research this topic.

Thank you very much for reading and responding. I'm happy I found this place.

[unicorn2014]

Foo stands for family of origin.

I am glad you are looking for a new therapist. I think the first thing anyone would say is put your own oxygen mask on first before you help others.   

I will see if I can link to triangulation later. It is a lesson on these boards. There is also the karpman  drama triangle: victim, persecuter, rescuer. Given what you said about your father in law, I think these two subjects may be useful.

[runningtherapids]

Wow, I've been reading about triangulation, and simply,wow.

As I was reading some of these articles about triangulation, it suddenly dawned on me, that my BPDwife has done this with just about all of our mutual friends. As well as my father in law. I'm actually almost speechless.

An interesting thing has happened since we separated, that actually verifies this for me. About a month before our separation, I received an email from an acquaintance. (Husband of a friend of mine) I've known him for years and in reality we should have become friends from the get go, but I could never figure out why he was so, condescending and cold towards me. Anyways, in this email he apologized to me for never engaging me in friendship and actually admitted that he formulated his opinion of me, based solely on what my wife told him, and other "rescuer" friends she had been confiding in for years.

We've been working together on a few projects these last few months, and have been talking and building our friendship. He's the first one in what circle of friends I have left, that sees some of what has occurred in my marriage. Sorry if I'm rambling here, it's just relieving in a way that there is something real happening here, something that before now, I just simply could not understand.

[unicorn2014]

You're not rambling, I'm glad to hear your story.

There's also something called a distortion campaign that Randi Krueger wrote about in stop walking on eggshells. I'm not sure if there's a lesson on that. It's a BPD behavior. I'll let you know if I think of an applicable lesson. It sounds like what your wife is doing with your friends. Generally that's what pwBPD during a split. There may be a lesson on that in the leaving area.

[unicorn2014]

Running the Rapids, I wanted to add that Lynne Forrest has an excellent email list about victim vocabulary. I printed out the latest one as it was so helpful. She writes about the karpman drama triangle. You can find a link to her site on this site in the karpman drama triangle lesson or you can google her. I hope that is of some use to you.

---

It takes a long time to change our behavior patterns with people with BPD. I'm just beginning my work myself.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RtR, it's not selfish to take care of oneself so no need to be embarrassed about posting here.  We've been down this road before you.  Description of your W sounds a lot like BPD.  I can relate after being married to a pwBPD for 16 years.  Suggest you shift your focus to yourself and your needs.  What is the right path for you?  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim

[runningtherapids]

Thanks for your responses, and for "listening". I suppose I'm torn inside when it comes to opening up about how I feel. For so long I've had to just bottle up all of the chaos I was feeling riding this roller coaster for 16 years. Because when I did, I was told it was all my fault. This started the cycle of second guessing myself, withdrawing, getting angry, low self esteem, etc. etc. So, I guess this is me processing the ride after finally stepping off of it. Sorting out what is mine, from what is hers. As much as I do not want to be separated, I'm beginning to see the positive results that are resulting. At least for myself.

I never knew there were others out here, dealing with similar circumstances, until recently. So, I in a way this is my "ah ha" moment. I realize that there is no fruit in pointing out her "problems", and that the only place that I can truly effect change is in my self, which is what led me here. And my goal is to understand this and potentially other PD's, so I can gain tools, understanding, and find the right help for myself and focus on my needs.

I know that I have developed coping mechanisms from this experience, PTSD for one, and brought my own baggage and issues to the table in my marriage. I have no doubt that my stuff triggered hers, and visa versa.

So, my path is laid out before me now, as I think I have a good understanding of what has truly been happening in my marriage, and how I have made it worse.

As for my gut feeling, I firmly believe that we can make it through this. Or at least learn to make it work better.

Not knowing what she truly desires is a stumbling block for me though. Her shifting loyalty and the push and pull, have confused me so much, that at points I simply don't know what she wants. Maybe she doesn't really even know it herself. Perhaps there will be a time in her healing process that will bring her to that point, this is what I hope for.

Thanks again

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RtR, Your moniker is a good one for what it's like to be in a BPD r/s.  Yes there are plenty of us out here who have been in your shoes.  Have you read SWOE (stop walking on eggshells), which is the seminal text?  The cycle you describe of blame, shame, anger, low self-esteem, etc., is quite familiar and to be expected.  Suggest you stop beating yourself up about your own baggage.  It's not about what she "truly desires," my friend; instead, I would propose, it's about what you want for your life.  I understand that you may be confused after going through the BPD wringer.

LuckyJim