I can't take the vulgar verbal abuse anymore from her...

[ImHisVessel]

My adult daughter (24years old) is Horribly vulgar verbally abusive to me and sometimes my younger daughter who is soon to be 19.  She moved back with me almost 18 months ago and I cannot deal with the it any longer.  There was physical abuse from her in the past, it is just verbal now. She did have a restraining order on her when the abuse took place.  I don't know how to get her out of my home.  She does not pay rent, and I cannot deal with it any more! She has never been 'officially' been diagnosed directly but a therapist I have seen based on the behavior feels it is BPD.  She meets all the signs and symptoms.  I am a happy person but she is disrespectful to me and my house rules.  I'm at my wits end... .

How do other parents deal with this? She knows I can't tolerate this treatment.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mimi99]

Oh my, I really know how difficult this must be for you. My d is 24 also, and raged and cursed at all of us in the household, including her own small daughter. It felt like we were living in hell, waiting for the next outburst and trying to avoid it. There are some tools here (look to the right of this comment) that can help.

For us, the best thing was having our daughter move out of the house. We have limited contact, so the behavior is less "in my face". I also took seriously the advice I got here to stop making it worse. This doesn't mean it is our fault that our children behave like this, just that by our own responses to them we can contribute to the cycle of conflict instead of reducing it.

We had to set boundaries that she must abide by in order to continue to live at home. The biggest hurdle was that she works only part-time making very little money and has a young daughter that we were afraid to leave alone with her for long periods of time. We knew that if she left she would take our gd with her and that scared us. We eventually gained custody and did not allow our d to live with us anymore. At one point she was living in her van, sleeping in parking lots. This was horrifying for us, but we did not back down. 

In the state where I live it is difficult to kick someone out of your home once they have been there for any extended period of time. It requires going to the courts and filing paperwork to evict them. There is usually a court hearing, and this could be very painful as I am sure you love your daughter.

You might consider using some of the suggestions on this site to formulate some guidelines. Come to an agreement with her that if she wants to remain in your home she must follow certain rules. Prepare a letter of eviction to present to her (not in anger) if she continues to defy them. It takes at least 30 days to evict and be prepared for the behavior to escalate.

Some things that we used were:

No cursing at anyone in the household

When your voice is raised, the visit is over

No drugs or alcohol (I know alcohol is legal, but not a good thing for mentally ill people to indulge in)

Regular visits to a therapist and take any appropriate medications as prescribed

A list of chores to be completed weekly

Rent of $200/month

When I get home from work, do not be laying on the living room couch (this was a trigger for me)

No phone at the dinner table


She chose not to abide by these rules and is no longer living here. As worried as I was about her, it is such a relief to no longer be walking on eggshells, waiting for the next blowup or rage over who ate the last piece of cheese (or whatever) She is doing a bit better now, at least she thinks so. We still retain custody of our gd and limit interactions, but even though I am sad about her life and her illness I have peace in my home and no longer feel afraid of my own child.

Through reading on this site I have come to see that I have been invalidating her for years. Her thinking is so out of whack that I spent a great deal of energy attempting to correct her twisted thinking. I have worked on using some of the tools here and it has improved our interactions when we do see each other. It can be difficult, because she does some really stupid things and acts like I should be so happy that for example, she got a dog even though she claims she can't give me $20 toward the cost of school clothes. In some of these instances, I just keep my mouth shut. No point in validating the invalid.

It is important for me to reiterate that it is NOT your fault that your d is this way. Many sites and posts refer to childhood trauma as the cause of BPD, but I am not convinced of this. My daughter tells everyone of a history of abuse and assault that is just not there. I think she has convinced herself that this happened and I have come to believe that many other BPDs are the same.

This site has helped me immeasurably, and I hope you will find the same to be true for you. We are all in the same boat here and no one else knows what this is like but we sure do! Keep posting and reading.

[lbjnltx]

Have you ever tried setting any boundaries similar to what mimi is talking about?

How did it turn out?