Communication with EX

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, I'm new here and looking for a bit of advice. I have difficulty in communicating with my ex about everything, and this includes concerns over our daughters. I have my girls 50%.

I'm a bit concerned about hygiene and have noticed that when my girls come over they are red and irritated in their privates. I am trying to communicate my concern, without sounding accusatory or upset. I really want to get the message across that it is extremely important for regular baths and/or showers. Also important for clean underwear each and every day. The girls are young D7 and D5, so self-showers/baths may be a bit much for them right now.

Any advice, communication tips, etc... would be greatly appreciated.

CODAD

[codad]

Hi, I'm new here and looking for a bit of advice. I have difficulty in communicating with my ex about everything, and this includes concerns over our daughters. I have my girls 50%.

I'm a bit concerned about hygiene and have noticed that when my girls come over they are red and irritated in their privates. I am trying to communicate my concern, without sounding accusatory or upset. I really want to get the message across that it is extremely important for regular baths and/or showers. Also important for clean underwear each and every day. The girls are young D7 and D5, so self-showers/baths may be a bit much for them right now.

Any advice, communication tips, etc... would be greatly appreciated.

CODAD

[enlighten me]

Hi Codad

Its a tough one as any comments can be taken as criticism by your ex and therefore may be received with hostility.

At 7 could your daughter be taught personal hygiene and help look after her sister? Its not the best solution but it may reduce the problem. By teaching your daughters then they may influence their mum.

[david]

We have two boys. I found that trying to communicate any concerns to ex through email usually triggered a negative reaction from ex. She always viewed my ideas as attacks towards her parenting abilities.

I began teaching our boys how to take care of themselves. It was the only solution I found that worked.

[Ulysses]

Well, I went through something similar with D when she was 6.

Given my ex's history I decided to document it in an email.  I knew it would probably upset him/trigger him (however at that point, last year, I don't think I still quite realized how angry he would get, but no matter).  I felt it was more important for my daughter's sake to get in writing/document what I saw/smelled, and that I was concerned.  I also taught D6 hygiene.  She was only 6 and was at a loss to shower at her dad's.  She couldn't quite manage it herself and I didn't push it.  I couldn't tell if she was uncomfortable, afraid, or just couldn't manage it and he wasn't helping.  I bathed her more frequently and gently taught her to change her underwear each day (i.e. never scolded her about it, just kept bringing it up in a positive way). 

She's 7 now and seems able to shower by herself.  She won't take baths at her dad's, not sure why, so it's something she does when she's with me, if she wants to.

My daughter went through a phase where she was coming back to me with huge scrapes, cuts, gouges on her knees and shins.  I started taking photos of them.  My son came back with a 2nd degree burn that hadn't been treated.  I took him to the doctor, who prescribed medicine for it.  I took photos of the burn.  I told the children it was in case the doctor wanted to know what it looked like.  They believed me because they heard a nurse once tell me to take a photo of my reaction to immunotherapy so they could see what it looked like.  I'm not advocating taking photos of your daughters' private areas, I just thought I'd mention the cuts and gouges in case that happens to your daughters. 

But I would document in writing what's going on - either in a journal, in an email, or to the doctor.  You might need it in the future.  If not, it might still help you remember what happened, when it happened, if there are patterns, etc.

Good luck.  It's so frustrating to see our children neglected like this.  Mine doesn't get enough to eat, and what she's fed is junk. 

[bravhart1]

Have had the same discussion with my SD7. She says she does not get to or want to have tub baths at moms because the tub at moms is always dirty. But at that age they need to soak in a tub.

We began to send her with the bathroom wet wipes for use at moms. It seems to help and it's something she can do on her own and no one has said anything about it.

She also knows that when she comes back home, there's a long bath coming, and she likes that.

[OutOfEgypt]

CODAD,

I empathize with your situation very much.  I am happily divorced and now happily remarried and have been sharing 50% parenting time with my uBPD ex wife.  For much of the time after the divorce, I did my best to downplay any conflict with my ex, but there were times when I had to speak up about things (kids being neglected, not fed, ignored, her bringing them to school late all the time, not helping the youngest with homework, her not listening to the kids' complains, you name it).  When I went through the trouble of trying to talk to my ex about it, it always went badly.  It painted a target on me and on my kids.  She even force-fed our youngest until she cried, claiming that it was so that the child would "never complain about being hungry again."

It's been three years, and not much has changed.  She gets defensive, tells me to mind my own business, and targets the kids or me when we point things out.  My eldest daughter said she was drinking while driving them around, one time, so I just reported it to the police.  DHS opened a case, and my ex was pretty mad about that and spread a lot about me and my daughter on Facebook.  As a result of that, and the fact that this daughter doesn't want to live with her anymore, a number of adults who think they know better (because they are drinking my ex's koolaid) have been pretty nasty, guilt-tripping, and critical of my daughter.  So, now we're trying to change parenting time so that the younger one lives mainly with us, as well.  It's not fun.

You can try using SET (sympathy, empathy, and truth) to try and communicate to your ex in a way that doesn't trigger her defenses as much, but ultimately there are limits to how well this works.  The other thing you can do is coach your kids.  Instruct them how to care for themselves, how to speak up to mommy about what they want and need, and how to recognize other situations as being good or bad, even how to be vocal about things that bother them to teachers and other adults in their lives.

But in my experience, you can only try to manage things and coach your kids so much.  Eventually, something brings matters to a head.  That's what I've experienced, anyway.  And eventually, the kids make their own choice.  So, in the meantime you need to prepare.  Document your attempts to carefully and gently communicate with your ex (I recommend email-only communication, low-contact... .no personal issues discussed at all).  Use SET.  If that doesn't work, work more on coaching your children.  And all the while, document things.  Bring your daughters to a doctor and have them checked.  Explain your concerns to the doctor and how you feel like your hands are tied.  They can document and even report things like this.   You will need hard facts, hard documentation, and actual witnesses to prove these things if you ever get to the point where changing things in court is the best solution.  That's where I'm at.

In the meantime, be honest with your kids about situations without bad-mouthing their mom.  Keep things pleasant but honest.  "Oh, mommy should be having you guys take baths.  That's why you're red and itchy.  That's too bad.  It's important to keep clean.  I know it's not your job to remind her, though.  But it's good for you to tell mommy what you want."