Begging for Help

[cantwatch]

Hello,

My 20 year old daughter is undiagnosed BPD. She also has an Eating Disorder, Depression & Anxiety. She is highly unregulated right now, barely able to function at college (cant read, take care of self). She has lost hope of ever feelin better and on therapy and meds, although she has not given either a consistent long term effort which SHE decided on (only goes when we make her). I am clear that when she is ready that getting diagnosed with BPD and engaging in DBT will be a game changer.

Each day she texts me of how incredibly miserable she is, how lonely she is as no one will talk to her or be with her, how she stares at walls and does not leave her room, how depressed, unable to function, has no one and is hopeless. She lives with two very uncaring and insensitive girls who ride her and it is a bad situation (although she holds a lease until May) She is unable to make the decision to leave school.

Each day I validate how terrible it must be, how anyone would feel hopeless given the situation and how badly I feel that i can not change it for her. Each day she goes on about how no one cares, helps and that we just go on and breeze by her incredibly painful situation without care. I am sure you know this is not true.

I tell her how much I care and ask her how she feels I might help or if she has any ideas on how to make things better.

Can you help me get out of this circle dance where she is begging for help (unwilling to take it) and feels like I am taking this lightly and without care? Sometimes she is mean and rude, sometimes just intense. I can overlook the anger- I just want to be effective.

I need ideas and words to respond. Validation is not enough.

PS Went to Family Connections intensive weekend in New Haven CT this past weekend. What an amazing enlightening validating experience.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Could it be that your daughter wants to hear the words "I am on my way." from you?

Would it be possible to go to her and spend the day with her?  Maybe go with her to talk to the school counselor about resources available to help her?  You can't make her go and you can show more than validating concern by being physically present.

How long has it been since you have actually seen her?

Object constancy is a often a struggle for our kids who struggle with BPD... .

[cantwatch]

Wow, What a great idea. I just texted her back and told her I would love to come up tomorrow to be with her. Lets see where that goes. It has been about 1 1/2 weeks since I saw her. She was home for 5 days and essentially was saying the same things here. She wanted me to sit with her all day and night. She did not want to do anything. She just wanted me to be with her. So I did for 2 days - but I have a 23 year old son, a new husband, a dog and a bif family and friends world as well. I remind her that I need to balance. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

[lbjnltx]

I hope that the visit is fruitful and some steps are initiated that she will comply with on her own.  Our young adult children with BPD often need us to walk beside them as they get started on a new road to self help.  It is rarely convenient, often fraught with frustration (ours) and progress is very slow and rarely linear.  

I accepted years ago that any progress my daughter makes is hard fought for, slow coming, and expensive.  And it is still progress.

Will she come home during the holidays?  Is she attending and passing her classes?

[BB_YogaGirl]

Everything you say hits home because I have a senior in high school that believes the only path is college, and not a community college but a 4 year college with sorority life and the like. I'm scared to death for her to go away from home, away from familiarity, her therapist and doctors, and be in a situation similar to what you describe. I am here for moral support, having found this site only yesterday, because I just need to share experiences with parents in my shoes. I feel your struggle. I've been married for 4 years and it is unraveling in part because of the strain that raising my daughter has placed on our family unit.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, cantwatch &

I'm glad that lbjnltx's idea worked for you (so far?), and I also hope that your trip to help her out will be fruitful... .Please keep us in the loop, and let us know how it goes!

And to you, too, BB_YogaGirl! I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with your husband is struggling due to your daughter's troubles--all of us parents have been there, and it really is a tricky stream to navigate

I'm very happy that both of you have found us, and I know you will find the help you need on this site. Remember to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page when you have the chance; the information and tips are invaluable! 

[Eyeamme]

Hey Can't Watch! I was sitting at your table at Family Connections! Welcome here. It really is amazingly helpful.