Wife with BPD in crisis

[wundress]

Hello

I am new here and so relieved to find this website after 5 years of searching for help for myself and my wife.

We met 5 years ago. V was initially charismatic, charming, funny and full of life. However, after only a few days of knowing each other she broke down to me and told me she had been abused as a child. Soon after that she started displaying strange behaviour which I later found out to be BPD. She has major anger/rage, struggles to make enduring relationships romantically or otherwise, has an on off relationship with her family, sometimes displays alters, dissociates, sometimes has suicidal tendencies, one minute is loving the next pushing me away, low self esteem, black and white thinking, setting me up to fail etc etc

It got so bad that we got a diagnostic test from a clinic which specialises in these disorders. It came back as strongly suggestive of BPD and possibly did as well. She also has disorganised attachment disorder. Unfortunately no gp has ever taken it seriously and we have basically been left to deal with it all ourselves.  I managed to get her seen urgently by a specialised charity who gave her some counselling but after a while zhe refused to  go anymore.

Since then she has been on numerous anti depressants. The most successful was amitryptaline.

There have been numerous breakups. Whenever there is happiness she runs away from it.

The latest crisis has been brewing for about 9 months since we got married. In July she stopped taking her medication, became reckless, had little empathy, lied about lots of things, blamed me for everything, decided I was evil, kept disappearing etc etc. Eventually she became so aggressivr I asked her to leave our home. The same day she found somewhere else to live and then blamed me saying I kicked her out. Not true. I felt we needed some space that morning.

Since then things have been on and off with her pushing and pulling me. She has deteriorated considerably. She has now found some where else to live and won't tell me where. She manages to go out with her friends but they don't know anything about her as she has known them only a few months. She says she puts on a facade and can pretend she is someone else with them.

She has recently been referred to a psychiatrist. She is refusing counselling. She does not accept that she is unwell or that she has BPD.

What can I do?  It's evident she still loves me and our daughter but something has got her running scared. She says she doesn't want support from anyone and that she will end up hurting me!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Waddams]

What can I do?  It's evident she still loves me and our daughter but something has got her running scared. She says she doesn't want support from anyone and that she will end up hurting me!

Focus on taking care of yourself first.  You're wife needs professional help and only she can decide she's going to go get it.  You can't fix her.  So you need to take care of you first, and take care of your daughter as best you can.  Unfortunately, all you can really do is let go of your wife.  It doesn't mean abandon her, doesn't mean emotionally you don't care, but you need to let go of outcome with her.  All you can control is you.  So focus on what you need to do for you, let your wife focus on her, and set up boundaries that you can hold that will protect yourself and your daughter from your wife's actions.

As always, I add my standard disclaimer - this is just my humble opinion.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey wundress, Your story is quite familiar and you are definitely not alone in your struggle with a pwBPD.  Agree w/Waddams.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings and avoid getting manipulated by F-O-G (fear, obligation & guilt).  Search for the path that you know in your heart is right for you.

LuckyJim

[wundress]

Ok so what sorts of things should I be doing? What should I say to her?

[Lucky Jim]

It's not about what she wants; it's about what you want for your life.  LJ

[wundress]

What I want is for her to get better and for us to be a family again.  Trouble is that I can see a path for that to happen but she can't.  I'm pinning my hopes on the psych appointment she has and hoping that having some answers and correct medication will help level her out and maybe she will wsnt to come back to us.

In the meantime I've written down my boundaries/limits and today communicated just one of them to her. That being that I want communication, not blame, arguments and insults. I've said that I want our daughter to see us being adults. That it's ok to feel emotions but that we need effective ways of dealing with them. I said that if we are together and I feel she is getting angry with me then I would want us to have a few minutes apart to gather our thoughts because I am not going to get into a situation that is uncomfortable. I want to be supportive but I won't take abuse. I said if it came to it I would have to cut short our day together and that I wouldn't be abandoning her but I would need some space.

I also have said I need my own life and need to find myself as much as she does.

In fairness, she tried really hard this evening and even offered to come over later this week to talk more.