Need new psychiatrist

[marygoround]

I am about 99.9% sure my 30 year old daughter is BPD and the current psychiatrist she has seen for over 5 years keeps saying she is bi-polar and ADD yet none of the many medications he has put her on have helped. I had never heard of BPD but a friend told me about their daughter and the symptoms, I started reading and researching and she has every symptom except cutting herself... .she seems to prefer doing stupid things that get her injured instead. I now have custody of my 6 yr old Granddaughter do to daughters drug use and poor choices in general. I am stuck in the middle... .my granddaughter wants her mom back and my daughter wants her kid back. I need to find a better Doctor that has dealt with BPD but just googling it is not really giving me many options in my area. We live in Ft. Myers FL so if anyone knows of a BPD experienced psychiatrist,  I would love a recomendation. Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi marygoround,

Oh so sorry that your d isn't being helped by meds.  There are no specific drugs to treat BPD, though many take meds for the depression, anxiety and mood instability that often accompany BPD. 

Does your d attend any kind of therapy?  A new psychologist (therapist) may be needed as well as a reassessment of her meds.

lbj

[marygoround]

Thanks! I do know there is no medication for BPD but I think at least something for depression may help her. I guess I just want her with a therapist/doctor who realizes she is BP. The doctor she had did not believe so but from all I have read I believe she is. We will work on her drug addiction problem too since that seems to magnify the problem!

[mimi99]

Hi marygoround. Welcome. It can be challenging to find a therapist that is skilled in treating BPD. My d24 is diagnosed, and it is still hard to get her the help she needs. My d also abuses drugs and was in a 12 step recovery program for a couple of years. During that time she was doing much better, but as soon as she got in a relationship she started using again and stopped going to meetings, etc. She spiraled downward fairly quickly at that point. We now have custody of our gd5, too.

Have you thought about printing out BPD information for the therapist? Unfortunately, BPDs often present well to the outside world, so the doctors and therapists only see the side that the BP wants them to see.

As you say, maybe getting help for the drug problem will be a good first step. Unclouding the drug haze is a great place to start.

Using the tools and support offered here are a great start toward your healing. Good luck, and keep us posted

[seekinglight]

As your daughter is out of your home and an adult this will be extremely hard to accomplish.

You are in a difficult situation but perhaps concentrating on your grandchild will be more doable.

[AVR1962]

She has been diagnosed with bipolar and ADD but not BPD. Does she accept the diagnosis of ADD and bipolar? Here's the tricky part that happens sometimes... .if she accepts the diagnosis and is willing to work with someone great but if she decides her only problem is you, for instance, and she goes to counseling and stars telling the counselor what a horrible rotten mother you were the counselor will support her. In these cases not only does it cause more conflict between you and daughter but she never gets the help she needs. This is what happened with my daughter and with the support of her counselor she firmly believes she should have never been diagnosed with BPD and all her problems are about me, she has actually old family members I was her abuser. I never abused her, I never neglected her, I never abandoned her but in her head I did all these things. She was diagnosed twice with BPD and then she found someone that told her she should have never been diagnosed with BPD and the rest is history.

[marygoround]

I gave her a book over 6 months ago about BPD and she accused me of labeling her etc... just made her angry BUT, now she is reading it and has at least agreed that this does sound like what her issue is. She does blame me a little but she doesn't want to push me to the point of my cutting her off completely. I am probably that relationship she has to have to keep from feeling abandoned. She seems sincere in wanting to do what she needs to to get her D back but right now she is going from one friends homes to another. She keeps missing her drug class and court dates. (She has no vehicle and reminds me of that EVERY day even though she has wrecked 6 of them that I bought since she was 16... .I guess I am a slow learner!) My H keeps telling me that I should find out when they are and get her to them but I feel she needs to do this herself or pay the consequences! Probation requires her to have an address but she is not allowed to live with us since we have GD and there is no way I would allow it anyway! She needs to be in a facility of some kind and is supposed to be interviewed by the local drug abuse rehab facility that does all the classes for people who have been convicted of a drug charge. She has never graduated HS, cannot hold down a job for any longer than a couple months, now with the drug charges and 2 shoplifting charges, I seriously doubt she can get a job anyway. She has continuously mentioned suicide because in her words, her D is the only thing she lives for. She has never taken blame for any of the crazy things she has done... .always someone else fault. My husband (her SD) and I had supplied her/paid for a place to her to live because we didn't want the GD to be drug around with her from druggie place to place. Thank god a friend mentioned she may be BPD because we seriously could not understand why she constantly has these "are you F'ing kidding me?" moments! I had never heard of BPD, we just had Bi-Polar shoved at us constantly. Now, thanks to the help of sites like these and books, we are getting more of a grip on how to handle things. Now with the GD safely in our home, I feel like I need to let D fall on her face, maybe get arrested again? Is there a "hit Bottom' for BPD? I know she has already cheated on her drug test that was required last week.  So sad, like so many express on here, she is pretty, fun and a great personality when she is not being psycho-D. The hardest part is explaining to GD why she can't live with her Mom. I tell her Mom has to do work to get her back. GD blames herself for talking to DCF. I tell her she did the right thing because now mommy will do the right thing but I feel I am lying to her when I don't see any progress on D's part!

[mimi99]

We tell my gd5 that mommy is sick and someday she will hopefully get well and be able to live with her again. When d24 rages at me during visits I end the visit immediately and tell gd that this is why mommy can't live here and she is showing that she is still sick when she behaves like that.

My d has wrecked every car she has ever had, too! The last two accidents were about 6 weeks apart, finally totaling the mini-van her father bought her. She called him right away asking when he would get her a new one! I thought he had learned when he told her no, but the following week he gave her money to adopt a dog and take it to the vet for shots, etc. Ugh--she can't even take care of her own child, but wants a dog? She won't pay a dime to help me raise her child, but she can afford dog food? Sigh... .

I agree with you that it is your d's responsibility to get to classes and meetings. My experience in 12 step recovery is that there are always people willing to give rides to newcomers that need them. I personally go to the local rehab facility and pick up carloads of women and take them to meetings. However, they have to call me and ask--I don't just show up. It is up to them to reach out, and if they don't want to then they can stay stuck in the depths of their addiction. A friend of mine reminds me that the only way most of us learn is from experiencing the consequences of our actions. Is this true for BPDs? I don't know, since my d consistently blames others for her problems, so she may be blind to the fact that she is the cause of most of her problems at this time.

Have you attended any Al anon or Nar anon meetings? These are 12 step recovery meetings for people that love an addict or alcoholic. They teach us how to live well and be happy even when our loved one is not. There is also and Al a teen, but I imagine 6 would be too young to benefit, but you may be able to help her with what you learn at Al anon.

It can be so difficult to deal with someone who has an excuse for everything and wont take responsibility for anything. It makes things easier to have a possible diagnosis because now you can move forward and learn some techniques that will help you communicate and deal with your d in a more productive manner. Best of luck to you

[marygoround]

It has been many years since I have been to a Al-anon meeting... .(lots of alcoholism in my family.) I will look into it. I have my own business so I work a bunch and try to spend the rest of my free time with GD. H doesn't get home until late and so far we have not looked into a sitter. I can look into a daytime meetings when she is in school and schedule work around them. It is so great to have this website... .you feel alone and wonder if you are the one losing your mind! After reading so many of the posts on this site, as bad as it gets at times, there are so many dealing with worse! Thank you mimi for your input! I will take your advice about "Mommy is sick." She gets angry at me and so I reinforce the fact that we are in this together we have to make the best of it! I am learning through comments GD makes that D never had any kind of schedule with her. If she wanted to play on the xbox all night, she did. If she didn't want a bath, she didn't take one. It sounds like she just ate whatever she found around the house whenever she wanted. She loves the attention and help with most things but usually gets upset at bedtime when she wants to watch cartoons all night! I did find a Therapist specifically fir BPD locally so I am very happy for that.

[mimi99]

Your gd is lucky to have you to love and care for her. We also haven't looked into using a sitter yet, because with all the changes she has been through we don't want to stress her out too much.


It's interesting that your d didn't have a schedule for your gd. Ours was the opposite. Gd was constantly pushed to meet time schedules, being told "If you don't hurry up we'll be late and I'll lose my job because of you" Bedtime was a horrible battle each night as my d would scream and threaten to leave if gd didn't go to sleep on time. Dinner was spent criticizing every little thing gd did--":)on't hold your fork like that" "Hurry up and eat that" "if you don't eat your broccoli you won't be able to talk to daddy on the phone and maybe never again" Yikes! So many different ways this disorder manifests itself.

Yes, it's true that at times I feel like I'm the crazy one. In fact, I found myself acting badly so frequently when interacting with my d that I started to wonder if I am BPD! Thank goodness for this site and all of you.