Here we go again

[Samuel S.]

Last year, my BPDw and her then D18 went to an anniversary dinner for my BPDw's job. She said she wanted to go with her then D18, because she doesn't have too much time with her. Also, the food might be too salty for my health. This year, she just told me that she invited her now D19 first to the same dinner and then asked me, if it would be okay that they do the same thing like last year, namely that the 2 of them go without me. Oh, and by the way, it is also my birthday. Oh, and by the way, she is working that day, and the 2 of them will go directly to this anniversary dinner. Oh, and by the way, we don't do anything as a family. For example, they probably are not going to be a part of the family for Thanksgiving this year.

As for the recognition of my birthday, who knows? They are both so involved in their own things, that if they need something, they know I will help out. Otherwise, I can be just another person walking down the street.

It is my birthday, and I intend to go out of town. Where, I don't know, but this is ridiculous! Even if I say something, I am discounted as being selfish. This is the same woman who years ago said that she really loves me, that my first wife didn't love me, etc., until she decided that she was pretending all her life, including with our marriage, because she wasn't able to do what she wanted to do. Yes, she has gone from one extreme to another!

Thank you for letting me vent! I am very hurt, not just now but for a long time!

[formflier]

 

Dude... .I'm seeing some serious spa action going on.  Massages... saunas... .good food.  Total pampering... .take a random book that you have been wanting to read for a while... .

FF

[OnceConfused]

Just hang in there, my friend.

Perhaps this occasion is a more incentive for you to DETACH, not counting on her as a spouse or acting like one. Look to her as a pure room mate, not look to her for any affirmation.

[Samuel S.]

Thank you for the suggestions!

Now that my BPDw is out of town, she is more mellow and not as harsh. In fact, she seems to be more relaxed which is how she typically is when she is away, enjoying herself.

In the meantime, I have had a series of physical tests with most of the time her saying I don't need them while I am feeling the chest pains. So, I am getting the tests done. They are doing heart tests now, and it is difficult to determine if the chest pains are heart related. A friend of mine has a husband who has done the same kinds of tests and then an angiogram which showed blockage. So, if the last test which I had today is clear, I will ask for the angiogram. Granted, some of the chest pains are anxiety due to my BPDw which I freely admit. However, I can be totally relaxed enjoying what I am doing, and the chest pains go on. If not heart related, I will see a lung doctor, because I have had pneumonia (bacterial and viral) beforehand. So, we just have to wait and see what plays out.

In the meantime, me sharing how I feel to my BPDw is only responded with denial and saying that it is all emotionally based. Again, I know part of it is emotionally based, but I am not going to play Russian Roulette with my health, especially since she relies so heavily and so wrongly on a "medium counselor" who has been right half the time and not.

[OnceConfused]

stress is vey bad for our longevity and constant stress is even worse for your mortality. please have your heart tested. you might want to check out a local yoga class. make sure it is not a power yoga, but a gentler one.

sometimes, it is healthy just to say , "I don't care and f*** this. trust me, that might sound bad, but it will help you let go of her .

[Samuel S.]

Thank you, OnceConfused. I have to say this to myself about her. In fact, it happened tonight. My BPDw asked me about the heart test today. I told her that it took a total of 4 hours with my cardiologist discussing the results in 1 week. Then, she said it is "silliness" to do this and that I should continue with my counseling, that my chest pains are totally induced by how I feel. Well, she might be right, and she might be wrong, and I don't want to rely totally on her opinion over my health. When she said that, I stopped for a moment to think what you said, and I changed the topic. Then, she did not bring up my health again.

Indeed, OnceConfused, I would rather take all the heart tests possible to make sure I am fine, because I want to live. If it is not heart related, then, it very well may be lung related, but I am not going to see 2 doctors at once, namely the cardiologist and the pulmonologist. No matter what the cause is, I think it is a combination of physical and emotional, but to again label my desire to gain a better health as "silliness" is one thing I can do without.

As for telling her to stop, she is a complete bully. She has always felt she is superior. When she and I would do the same things separately, she would always label herself as being superior and that I haven't tried enough. An example is when I would work out very well and be sore, I do not sweat. She then told me I wasn't trying hard enough. Then, I would tell her I was doing a lot, and she wasn't there when I was working out. She eventually came to the conclusion that I do not sweat due to the meds I am taking.

As for the yoga idea, that's a very good suggestion. Thank you! I would look into it!

[OnceConfused]

try this tactisc some time:

Whenever she criticizes you for stuffs that you do as indaquedate, don't take her words in on the chin. Stop, look at her and say in a calm manner:

I appreciate your concerns but I am not looking for you to tell me whether I am trying hard or not. I am just  sharing the information with you as a spouse so you are aware. I am not looking to you to judge me or tell me that I am not trying hard enough. I prefer to do that myself. Is that request FAIR ENOUGH with you?

You have to let her know that you dont appreciate her judging you and ask her to stop that behavior.