No more texting

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I sort of felt that texting was our last from of communication. Last night, after an awful day, I was considering heading to my folk's house, to get my thoughts in order. I called BPDh to tell him, and tried to talk to him. This earned me yet more of his refusing to answer me, despite his promise last week to stop doing that. He just refuses to be civil, or even respond to me, whenever he doesn't want to. It's immature, it's selfish, it's angry, it's controlling, and most of all, it's DELIBERATE.

During this mostly one sided conversation, he told me he's beyond sick of my text "accusing" him. Well, they aren't accusations if they are true, but whatever(I never say whatever to him, but it's a fave of his). He's so black/white, all or nothing.

I try to never be that way, as I know the world is shades of grey, and things are rarely all or never. I'm making an exception this time however, and I'm going to do my best to not text him anymore. My texting him bothers him, I won't text. I informed him of this, and then he texted me anyway! I called him, and told him that because my texting him bothers him so greatly, I won't be texting or responding to text. I also told him that I hope that he doesn't begin to feel the same way about phone calls. It's like he just can't or won't communicate on any adult level. I've tried email, he doesn't respond, but he works in IT! He responds to everyone else, treats everyone else better than me, and will go above and beyond so others think what a good guy he is, but he treats me, his wife, pretty crappy.

So, here is my take on things: I person communication is severely limited, and he often just won't respond. Topics are limited to things HE likes, things that won't set him off, and things like the weather. Email, and now text anger him. He'd tell you "no, it's only your text bombs where you say I verbally abuse you", but I actually know he also chooses to just ignore normal texts too. I resorted to texting, because he can't/won't communicate in person, or he explodes and has even gotten physical. He's like an angry, blaming, ticking, time bomb. We are now down to phone calls, or stilted, conversation where I tiptoe. He has yet to hear back from the place he had been doing DBT. They had a shakedown, and he's now on a "list".

I purposely chose this man because he displayed zero anger issues, and because he seemed so laid back. He rolled with whatever life threw at him, and that seemed wonderful after being around so many angry men. It was all an act. One so good, that even when I knew what to look for, I didn't see it, and I was looking! He also played the victim to his ex, and while it's true, he was stabbed, cut, and hit with a hammer, clearly the crazy was not all one direction.

This wasn't how I wanted to live my life, and I feel duped, and like I'm expending too much effort trying to save a sinking ship, while he does nothing but knock more holes in the floor.

[wundress]

Mine is the same. I say no contact and she pesters me demanding to know why I am ignoring her. Then if I say something she doesn't like she tells me she has decided that we should have no contact. She then proceeds to block me on social media, ignores my calls and texts etc. After a while she contacts me saying she feels rubbish. So I try to empathise and as soon as I do she becomes rude and pushes me away again.

[formflier]

During this mostly one sided conversation, he told me he's beyond sick of my text "accusing" him. Well, they aren't accusations if they are true, but whatever(I never say whatever to him, but it's a fave of his). He's so black/white, all or nothing.

What is this about?  An accusation is not an accusation if it is true?  What is it then? 

Listen... .it "feels" like an accusation to him.  If you know it is true... .why on earth tell him... accuse him... .or mention it to him.?  What good can possibly come of it?



CB,

If you expect your hubby to clean up his communication style... .please lead the way with a healthy model. 

He won't be able to match it... .but he might get better... .somewhat.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

I do feel I am modeling healthy communication(and always have been)! I am only communicating with him that I DO NOT want to be abused anymore, as is my right. If he feels accused by this, that's his choice. I choose my words carefully, and use "I" statements, but it makes no difference(he likes feeling accused or persecuted). I refuse to be verbally abused(or physically abused either), anymore, and just quietly not say anything!

Tell me then, how else am I supposed to let him know that I am NOT okay with the verbal abuse, mocking, scorn, and silent treatment? I think he took my silence at times as saying it was okay. You know, all those times I just chose to walk away.

If it feels like an accusation, that's HIS choice. I do not feel I'm accusing him, and he often feels accused, and likes to play victim, even when it's just me asking for compromise or negotiation.

If I'm careful in how I present these "accusations", and I use "I" statements and tell him how it makes me FEEL, and I've previously chosen to walk away, and model healthy interaction, what is left for me to do?

I feel the good that could come of it(and likely would come of it with a non), and a good outcome would be him HEARING me, and taking action. Or even taking a look at his behaviors. I'm getting less, and less okay with abuse, just because he has a psych diagnosis.

I'm not being belligerent, but I feel I DO model a healthy style of communication with him, and I'm following the advice of my therapist. I'm actually following her advice from last week. His choice is to feel accused(even when I've presented it in a healthy way), and it's his choice to work on himself.