How did you manage to let her find her own way without losing yours?

[twojaybirds]

lbjnltx asked me this question in my last post and I thought it was a great opportunity for us to share some of our coping strategies.

Here's the question:

How did you manage to let your dd/ds find her/his  own way without losing yours?

I used a plethora of strategies.  One of the biggest ones was a constant reminder to myself that we all go through  life differently and what appears today as reality could change by tomorrow.  I thought of all the people I know in my life who have taken different paths, where they were, where they are where they may be headed.

 

I remind myself of Marsha Linehan's story

www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

I decided just because my dd's life, at any moment, was not as I had planned, our relationship was not what I had envisioned, I still had a choice to make my life fulfilling to me. And once I started to release my control of what I could not control, and took control of what would make my life happy(ier) for me, things fell into place.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

What a great question.

Some of my strategies are very physical.

I have to get enough sleep. I have to eat well. I have to get at least walking exercise daily. These are the nuts and bolts of self care. Without these three, I am so much more susceptible to stress, and that makes me less effective when I am supporting my son.

Some strategies have been hard to say yes to, but they have been lifesavers. I've had to learn to let people help me. This has meant being vulnerable with people I love and trust, and letting them see that I am struggling.

I have had to learn to put myself before my son. Before this, I would channel all of my resources toward him and have nothing left for myself.

I learned to be clear about my values. That helped me define my boundaries and in turn, that helped lighten some of the guilt I let build up on my shoulders.

Mindfulness-based stress reduction was a godsend. It helps me take each moment one at a time. It also helped me understand for the first time how the stress I feel about my son was fanning the exact flame I was trying to put out. All kinds of new behaviors started to show up in my son when I stopped reacting and began responding instead.

I also learned a whole bunch of new ways to say no. Some of them are slipped into validating questions, so I am no longer always rescuing and fixing, and can bounce out the things I think my son can handle.

[Kate4queen]

Here's the question:

How did you manage to let your dd/ds find her/his  own way without losing yours?


I reached a point of rock in my own personality. I realized I was not prepared to go down to a heart attack or nervous breakdown or stroke or anything like that.

This came about because I remember begging my son in desperation after him screaming in rage at me for 2 hours, "What can I do to make you understand that I love you and care for you? What can I do to make you happy? Do you want me to slash my wrists and bleed for you?"

He said "You have to make it all about you, don't you?"

And I said to my husband later. I AM NOT going to die from stress and have my son come to my funeral and make it all about him.

That was my starting point to recovering myself.

[Eyeamme]

Kate4queen,

I could have written what you wrote. We have to save ourselves first. I keep telling myself that.

[AVR1962]

For me I had to disconnect emotionally, realize she had a right to live her life the way she felt best for her and that her choices were her business, what she did with her life was for her to figure out and I did not have to help her. I could support her, cheer her on but I did not need to be involved. I read a very good book on the subject that helped me a great deal: "Change Your Mind And Your Life Will Follow: 12 Simple Principles" by Karen Casey.

[BB_YogaGirl]

A great thread that really resonates. I hit my rock bottom (although it's an ongoing roller coaster based on the mood my 17yo daughter brings into the house/car etc) last year. It's a long story but insert your version of rock bottom [here]. I was in my entire spiral because I let her rule me. I am not sure exactly what my first steps out of hell were, but I do my best to make myself #1 and her #2. I celebrate my small personal victories, like a good nights sleep or a great yoga practice / meditation. I cry on my mat sometimes. I allow myself to be vulnerable in there.

Her therapist said its so hard to mask a black/white judgment about what's right or wrong. My daughter has missed do much school the past three years. We're going broke paying for private school and tutors and therapy, and yet she seems indifferent to missing school. I'm struggling with what college looks like, knowing her pattern of ups and downs and that will likely not fly next year. I don't know if that makes sense or not without more elaboration. It ties into making me a priority because financially, not to mention emotionally, she's sucking me dry.

[dots]

I'm still in the middle of everything but lately I've been trying to make a conscious effort to just OBSERVE what is going on without reacting.

For example, a friend's daughter saw that my daughter (22 y.o.) wrote something negative on Instagram over the weekend.  Of course this friend had to report this to me.    Usually I'd feel embarrassed, wonder WHY my daughter wrote it, ask her if she realizes the consequences if someone important (like her boss) reads it, etc.  I've had this discussion with her over and over again, but she still insists on writing similar things.

This time I just shrugged it off and said I didn't read it.  Then I dropped the subject.  Instead of confronting my daughter and having the same old useless argument, I just thought to myself "There she goes again. 'expressing herself!'"  & that's it.  End of story.

I've also been entertaining myself with the Kermit the Frog sipping tea meme  (it ends with BUT THAT'S NONE Of MY BUSINESS) and at the top it usually says a truthful yet cutting or sarcastic comment about something. ( I've heard "mind your own business" too many times.)  So for this it would say "you're a new employee and added people from work to your friend list yet you insist on posting controversial, socially unacceptable things... .but that's none of my business.

It's much better than engaging in the same old circular dance