Mediation failed going to Trial

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello

Well my BPDh and I went to mediation and he refused to cooperate. He yelled at the mediator, claimed he was confused by the process, told the mediator that she should not believe anything that I (me) says to her, that it would all be lies. He also didn't disclose under oath a large sum of money in a bank account of his. Luckily I had a lot of discovery documents and was able to prove he has this account. Since he refused to cooperate we are going to trial! We do not have children or any financials (bank accts, investments) together, except for the house (which I live in with my 3 children, he moved in with his girlfriend 2 months ago), so going to trial is almost ridiculous. Any advice on what to expect from my BPDh in court. Prior to mediation I was able to predict to my attorney how my BPDh might behave and  he did exactly what I thought he would. Unreal!

[mm1024]

Hello

Well my BPDh and I went to mediation and he refused to cooperate. He yelled at the mediator, claimed he was confused by the process, told the mediator that she should not believe anything that I (me) says to her, that it would all be lies. He also didn't disclose under oath a large sum of money in a bank account of his. Luckily I had a lot of discovery documents and was able to prove he has this account. Since he refused to cooperate we are going to trial! We do not have children or any financials (bank accts, investments) together, except for the house (which I live in with my 3 children, he moved in with his girlfriend 2 months ago), so going to trial is almost ridiculous. Any advice on what to expect from my BPDh in court. Prior to mediation I was able to predict to my attorney how my BPDh might behave and  he did exactly what I thought he would. Unreal!

[david]

When my ex gets triggered the only thing I ever seen that stopped her in her tracks were judges and police officers. Not all of them but the ones that took no s***. If he acts crazy in front of the judge try not to laugh and just keep a straight face. Stick to the facts and evidence you have and ignore the rest.

I learned to give as little information to my ex and saved it for the judge. This way she would accuse me of all kinds of things and I could simply have my atty produce the evidence showing she is telling fibs.

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's the hardest when you can see how clearly absurd it is.

I still don't fully understand how the distorted thinking works, only that the stress of divorce, no matter whether you initiated or he did, seems to trigger desperate and often irrational behavior, if not downright abusive.

Be sure to have your L ask for legal sanctions -- it may be hard to recover the attorney fees, but being awarded legal fees is a way to communicate in court that the judge is ruling heavily in your favor, instead of just doling out a ruling one way or the other. If you get tied up in court, this may encourage a judge to use stronger measures to ensure compliance.

I gave my ex the house and it cost me thousands of dollars in legal fees and took almost two years. We had 4 court hearings total and the only way to get him to refinance the house was the threat of jail. Only when the bailiff walked over to him with handcuffs did he seem motivated to observe the court's authority.

What a waste of time and money. And in the end, it made my ex have a psychotic episode in court that, by that point, only made me pity him.

What are you seeking by way of the house? Are you trying to get him off the deed? Do you have to refi?

[formflier]

 

Is your L familiar with "high conflict" divorces?

Remember livednlearned's story... .stress makes this stuff come out.

So, no kid gloves in court... .put the pressure on and get the answers that you need.  That is not a time to be soft.

Any idea how long it will be until you actually go to trial?

FF

[maxen]

hi mm1024. my sympathies, it must be hard to witness and try to factor such irrational behavior. my divorce never reached trial, but we did see flailing behavior from the other side. it was a relief in a sense, because then it was clear to me that my w really was emotionally disordered, and i stopped (somewhat) blaming myself for what had happened.

Since he refused to cooperate we are going to trial!

you may not even reach trial, but of course you should prepare for it. (is it on the docket?) does he have a lawyer? does the lawyer know about his attempt to hide assets? are you seeking the get his name off the deed?

[mm1024]

Thank you all so much for your responses. Wow, I am continually shocked how many of us (nonBPDs), are affected by our BPD spouses. My attorney is extremely well trained in High Conflict divorces, which is the reason I hired him. My ex does have an attorney, and from what I have witnessed, his attorney has no controll over him at all, which is not a shock that he hired someone he could "control".  He is also NPD and ASPD, which contributes heavily to his feeling he is "above the law". I am confused as to why he wants to prolong or "hang on", he is in another relationship and I would assume he would want to be divorced already as he moves onto wife #3 for him. Thank you all again for your support!

[formflier]

  He wants to "win". He will define that in his mind, most likely won't make sense to us.                                      

FF

[david]

I agree, it's all about "winning" and it will not make sense to anyone else.

[maxen]

My attorney is extremely well trained in High Conflict divorces, which is the reason I hired him.

excellent!

My ex does have an attorney, and from what I have witnessed, his attorney has no controll over him at all, which is not a shock that he hired someone he could "control".

this could be good or bad. otoh, a judge may now see the disordered behaviors in court, which will benefit your position. otoh, without a spine the other L may be induced by his client to drag out the proceedings. watch for legally abusive behaviors, you may be in a position to demand compensation for legal fees or even sanctions. (we threatened to submit an RJI at one point, it worked.)

I am confused as to why he wants to prolong or "hang on", he is in another relationship and I would assume he would want to be divorced already as he moves onto wife #3 for him.

viewed in the context of BPD, this may be a fear of abandonment. he wants to keep the connection, whatever it is. beware, if the day comes when you do cease communications, it will be your fault!

[david]

A saying on this board was "negative engagement is still engagement."