Am I setting a boundary or being judgmental?

[Mary47]

I have learned so much from the posts and the workshops. Reading about setting boundaries, most seem to be about what kinds of *behaviors* you won't tolerate from a child--  screaming, insults, physical violence etc. Can a boundary I set be that I don't want to hear about something in my d's life because it is something that conflicts with a deeply held belief and it upsets me to hear about her involvement in it?  My daughter has been having an affair with a married man twice her age and she tells me she wishes she could talk with me about how happy he makes her and how he promises to leave his wife to be with my d (unlikely).  I have thought a lot about it and I don't believe I am using it as a form of control--  I know she will do what she decides and that it is not my place to try to convince her otherwise. But if I were to hear details about the relationship I feel like I would be complicit and supporting her role in deceiving the man's wife. I think I would be setting this boundary because hearing about her r/s upsets me so much and so it would be for my own needs. Is setting a boundary related to topics of discussion a fair boundary?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mom2bpd]

I'm no expert but I don't see any reason for u to subject yourself to hearing about the r/s.  Tell her that perhaps she can talk to a girlfriend about it because u find it upsetting.

[Turkish]

Do you think that she is aware of your moral values? Does this feel like a trap, or that she's so focused on wanting validation that she's likely unaware of how this violates your values?

While maybe feeling comfortable intitially to avoid conflict, your inner conflict is evident. I'd feel uncomfortable, too. Can you validate her feelings (the desire to reach out) while at the same time asserting a joinery based upon your values? While judging her might be what is appropriate, what do you fear the reoercussion would be towards you?

[Mary47]

My d said she feels I am more upset that she's not doing what I want (ending the r/s) than I am about the r/s itself. I can see why she feels that way--  bc my first reaction for a while was that I was so worried abt the impact this would have on her (she has a long history of depression, suicidality but she's been much better in the past 2 years) and only after she talked to me abt how she thinks she'll be okay did I start to focus on my own feelings abt how wrong this is (primarily that it is deceptive and cruel to another person-- his wife).  She says she doesn't like what they're doing but she loves him so much that it overrides everything. So my values weren't the first thing I brought up, which makes it look like I'm just pulling this out to try to control her.  She feels it would be nearly impossible to have a r/s with me if she can't talk abt the most major part of her life.  Is it right for me to say I want to have as much of a r/s as we can but I don't want to hear abt the affair?  Is it even possible to set that boundary and expect we can have a r/s?  His last affair lasted for three years!

[lbjnltx]

Are you willing to enforce this boundary if it costs you a relationship with your daughter?  It seems that she is making it clear that being able to talk about something important to her is part of being in a relationship with her.

It isn't a judgment about whether you should or should not set this boundary, part of making these decisions is about the possible consequences that may come from them.


lbjnltx

[thefixermom]

This is a tough one for me.  After thinking about it for a few minutes I've come to the conclusion (for myself) that I could listen to my daughter talk about being involved in an affair without it violating my morals or standards, nor would it mean that I approved in any way.  I'd just be an unconditional listener and not a judge and jury.  It would be my hope that my being a sounding board for her would help her to see herself and the situation more clearly, not because I would be pointing things out to her but because she would be hearing herself talk outloud about it and sometimes that can lead to added awareness.  I'm not one to judge an affair, though.  Marriages are complex and not all affairs are alike.  However, it might bring light to your daughter's thinking once she realizes that it's her affair with the man that is keeping him in the marriage.  Without the affair, he might have to face his life vs medicate himself with your daughter, or someone else.

[AVR1962]

Yes, and that might include telling your daughter that you do not want to talk about certain people. My daughter likes to put statements out about people to try to get my reaction. When she does this I normally say, "Oh?" and let it go but she one time she turned a conversation we had into something it was not and went back to her father (who I am divorced from) with this made up story of what I supposedly said and in this case the story came back to me. I contacted my daughter and nicely told her that I did not think we should talk about her dad anymore. Years I listened to her rant about her dad's messy life but for me that broke a trust. I was not putting him down, I was trying to help her understand him and this is what happened. So yes, I think you can tell you daughter that this or that is not a subject you want to talk about, same with people.

[js friend]

Hi Mary,

Not engaging in discussions about my dd r/s with her now exbf was a boundry that I made a few years ago.

The reason why I did it ... .DD would always come to me with her r/s woes, we would talk it through, dd would seem to reach a decision (usually it was that she would break up with him) and then we would leave it there.

I would move on with my life and hoped that dd would move on with hers too, only unknown to me the usual pattern became that  secretly dd and b/f would reunite and become loved up again for about 1 week, it would all fall apart, then dd would come to me again and we would go over the same ground again. This went on for months and was mentally draining as I had both of them coming to me to complain about the other. I would have phone calls all times of the day and night... .some were tearful, most were asking me if I knew where the other was.To begin with I made a boundary around the times of day they could call but this was often broken. Neither seemed to  be able to live without the other for more than a few days, and both seemed to love the drama. I found it became too much to listen to the dysfunction anymore. If they both thought that they were mature enough to have this r/s then they needed to be mature enough to sort through their problems so I made a boundary that  with both of them that I didnt want to hear what was going on with their r/s anymore. Of course my dd has interpreted this as another indication that I dont care about her but boundaries are there to protect our values, beliefs, and mental health too.

Mary, You shouldnt feel guilty for not  wanting to hear the details of this affair. PwBPD often lack boundaries and may not share our values or morals which may make us feel uncomfortable when we hear what they have been getting up to.My dd has told past friends things that have horrified them, still she did those things and thought it was appropriate to share the details. Your dd may genuinely think this is no big thing but she can see that she is not getting the response she wants when she talks about this affair. I would also find it difficult and uncomfortable  to listen to anyone raving about having an affair without being judgmental and so I think having a boundary around this issue would be  appropriate.

[mggt]

I totally agree with js friend  We do not have to listen to them when it makes us very uncomfortable .  I know with my d she would tell me all the terrible things her bfs would do to her and then ask for my advice and when I gave it she ignored it and then always came back here more upset and mean than before .  I think boudries on this subject is a good thing we can only take so much so if that is one boundary you need then please keep it and dont feel guilty 

[livednlearned]

Sometimes the way boundaries are communicated, or how they are asserted, can make all the difference.

I don't have your exact same situation, though for me it's difficult when my son talks about being an atheist. The go-arounds we have had are too lengthy to detail here, suffice to say that it has taken years for me to get to a place of peace with my values and my love for my son, and to hold them both in balance.

I will bear witness to his beliefs and try to sit in non-judgment, and I also do not engage. I am happy to be much more engaged and connected when we talk about other topics. Over time, he has grown bored and I have become boring when it comes to this aspect of our relationship. My therapist calls it shrugging, as a way to describe my response to things he says that I choose to not engage with. S14 is a smart kid, and he did go through a period where he said more provocative things, a sort of extinction burst, and I had to just keep shrugging.  

I will also say that I had to grieve this part of our relationship first so that I did not feel the need to resolve it all the time with my son. It makes me sad every time I think about.