My BPD SO literally lead to my total destruction

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Are you feeling suicidal today?

[Lifewriter16]

Are you feeling suicidal today?

[jTrue426]

Are you feeling suicidal today?

No I won't do that to my kids.

[Lifewriter16]

I'm glad to hear that.

It seems to me that you are a good man, you are simply in lots of pain. You seem to be going through a great deal of self doubt because of your breakup. You have developed depression and would benefit from seeing a doctor. The thing is, the fact she left you doesn't indicate that there is something wrong with you. The way she left indicates that there is something wrong with her (but you already know that). She has a serious mental illness which she is coping with in very destructive ways.

I have to go out now, it's nearly 8.30 am where I am and the day has to begin. Please consider ringing a friend or a helpline to talk to someone about how you are feeling.

Love Lifewriter

[jTrue426]

Well it seems that about 10 days shy of my SO completely  disappearing from my life; I have come out at the light end of a complete depression and possibly regained a little sanity, and hope. I'm glad that my near rock bottom I new I could come here for help because truthfully most people have no comprehension of what BPD(or most mental illness entail). I've had people I can talk to but when all lake and see if it turbulent relationship and no idea how it really affected you or your SO with BPD. As time wears on and they start to lose interest or understanding of why you're not snapping out of it. I'm so grateful that I had this place to come to for understanding compassion and non-judgmental talk. Thank you to every one loved and supported me over the last 12ish hours. You all provided compassion and true understanding that i simply wasn't receiving any where else; even in therapy.Even after giving in to despair I finally went back and re-read every article and watched every vodeo on this site. Even though I've read them all before (and made countless trips to the library and found every free medicle journal article on the internet. Something clicked tonight.

As I finally attempt to begin the healing process I promise to stay here for myself and anyone I might help or "just understand".  To to that I have to go sleep for the first time in 4 days so I regain the ability to type cohesive thoughts. I can't wait to read this tomorrow and see what came spilling out of my malnourished, sleep deprived, emotionally empty, bleary eyed self.

  Thank you Again to everyone who was there for me or contributes in any way to this FAMILY!

PS - I still love my SO for now, and ever. I just had to remember the true situation. It's gonna be OK.

[Rapt Reader]

I'm really glad to hear that you are pulling out of that desperate depression, jTrue426 

This site has been a lifesaver for everyone here, and I'm really happy that you are reading the links, watching the videos, sharing your story and reading others' stories, and finding it all to be helpful.

I have an adult (38) son who can swing into depression from time to time, and one thing I've seen is that as long as he is taking care of himself in healthy ways--and taking his medications and vitamins--he can sustain his wellbeing. When he starts to sink into a depression (usually due to girlfriend reasons), he seems to forget all of those healthy lifestyle things and that will drive his depression deeper. When he resumes his healthy eating, takes his meds, etc., he is well on his way out of that pit he was in.

I'm so happy to hear that you find yourself at the light at the end of that tunnel; keep up your self-care, and you should be stronger--even it it's in bits and pieces--sooner rather than later 

[Skip]

I still love my SO for now, and ever. I just had to remember the true situation. It's gonna be OK.

Acceptance of "what is" is a good starting point. It hurts. That's part of our life know. We will grow from it.

  Thank you Again to everyone who was there for me or contributes in any way to this FAMILY!

We are "family".

[cherryblossom]

I have been feeling at my lowest points -what is the point in knowing I can be insanely happy sat on the top of a beautiful mountain with him enjoying nature-knowing he exists and that experience is possible but never being able to do it again -what is the point in that?

The above  paragraph is what I put on a thread at one of my lowest points -the love you felt seems just as intense and just as intense as everybody's on here -it helps to have support from people who actually have lived experience

I'm gradually reconnecting with my own source of love and light through as many healing / self caring activities possible -this site included

The pain I had at above point was horrific -and at one point literally felt like I had been wounded internally with blood pouring out my eyes -intense -intense as the love felt

I wish you well on your journey 

[Joe1290]

How you doing today Brother?

[jTrue426]

Things aren't getting any better. I've tried picking up the pieces and putting my life back together, but it seems to be too little too late. I'm working again but there isn't enough to sustain me nor help me provide for my children in the way I should. I'm still consumed by the loss of my ex and the yearning to just talk to her one more time. I most likely going to end up homeless within a few weeks and I can't find a way to dig myself out of the hole I've been left in

[Lifewriter16]

Hi there jTrue426,

Well done for everything you have done to put your life back together again and care for your kids. I know from first hand experience just how difficult it can be to carry on.

I hear that you are really anxious and you feel that you may not have done enough and you are worried that you may lose your home. However, I wonder if I might remind you that a few weeks ago, you felt you couldn't do anything at all. You've come a long way in a short period of time and I think you deserve to give yourself a pat on the back.

Getting over a BPD relationship can be a slow and painful process. It's okay to still be consumed by your ex and to want to see her one more time. It's a part of the process of grieving and letting go. The pain is normal in the circumstances, no matter how much you wish you weren't experiencing it. No one likes pain. Most people would prefer to avoid it than embrace it. Unfortunately, there are times when the only way is through it. Try to be kinder to yourself through this difficult time. You will get there.

Love

Lifewriter x