Help with adult daughter in treatment

[lisamc]

Hi,

I have a daughter who has recently been diagnosed with BPD. There have been multiple family issues - not all due to the BPD but complicated. My daughter has recently started treatment through CMHA (we live in Ontario) and I don't seem to be doing or saying any of the right things. She has become very angry with me and I don't know how to support her and speak and behave in a way that will allow her to open up to me - I really need some help with this transition - I love my daughter and would do anything to help her - I just seem to be doing everything wrong in her opinion. Has anyone been through this? Can anyone help?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi and welcome to the Parenting Board!

I'm so glad that you are here looking for information and tapping into the knowledge and experience that the members have to offer.  It is what makes this a very valuable resource for us along with the collection of information on the disorder.

It is great that your daughter is in treatment.  Is this inpatient care she is in?  

Everyone of us have been and most are still where you are... .having a child that isn't open to our support, blames us for their woes, or projects their emotions onto us. It is painful and confusing.  What we have learned through understanding the disorder is that our children/adult children have an extreme need for validation.

Have you learned very much about BPD, if not, I encourage you to look at the Lessons on the right.  Understanding what your daughter struggles with is important.  You can also learn about validation in the lessons.  It isn't intuitive to validate at the level that our kids need it, we can learn.  

lbjnltx

[livednlearned]

Hi lisamc,

I wanted to join lbjnltx in welcoming you to the Parenting board. How old is your daughter? Does she still live with you when she isn't in treatment?

Validation is probably the single-most important skill I had to learn, and the book that helped me most was I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better.

It took me a while to learn how to communicate with my son -- validation was a huge step forward. It is words, and more than words. It can be how we look at them, our body language, the tone in our voice. Kids with BPD treats have an almost desperate need for validation, and a very poor ability to validate others. I found it was essential in my own healing to have a therapist who could validate and support me so I did not expect my son to provide what he was not capable of giving.

Do you have support, maybe a spouse or family members, or perhaps a counselor who can help you make sense of BPD and your own feelings as you learn to adjust to this new diagnosis your daughter has been given?



LnL