hi ho all

[puppyface]

my daughter may have BPD or bi-polar, or just be an amazing mean selfish b___.

looking into that.

hi, I'm kat, over 50, kids grown. I live a quiet happy life. no drama. no friends, but, my hubby and 2 of my kids. day to day, I'm happy, busy, love my job, love my family. love my dog and have plenty of things to do and see. life is an adventure.

bring in daughter w/ issues. she lives across the country. she has cut me off before, so, when she does reward me with her presence, I have to walk on egg-shells or she could blow and tell me to F-off and I won't see her again.

she now has breast cancer so she was willing to see me. as I'm sure she is scared. so, I paid to fly her out for a visit. I have a 2nd daughter in Seattle, a 2 hour drive. we all met up, good times. next day, I drove her all over "what ever you want, dear" out to eat (no saying thank you.) here, let me buy you things! (no saying thank you.) all the while she is critical of everything I do or say. but, I smile.

till I said something wrong, something I'm not allowed to say. and she had a melt-down. she called the sister at 11 PM to come get her. 4 hour drive in dark and cold. pretty selfish, I said I'd drive her the next day, but, nope. she cussed me out with words I will not repeat. she brought up my failings from 16 years ago! still hasn't forgiven me for leaving her abusive father.

now in Seattle at sister's house and no one will talk to me. I'm sure she told sis what a horrid B mom is and here I sit worried. she gets on the plane in 2 days and I don't get to say goodbye or hug her and she could die. she'll go back home and tell her father what a horrid B her mom is and he will encourage that and add his own comments on what a horrid F-ed up B that mom is.

yes, I am sure I have issues - oh she tried to tell me that I am BPD. she looked it up on her phone and read me the list. (that was while we were still talking.)

I know - let it go... .but, she is in town, that I paid for the airplane trip, and cut me off. and I'm sad. we had plans to go to Pike Place Market, and shopping, etc. and in the same swoop, my 2 grandsons are cut off as well. not to mention, that I worry about HER being so unforgiving and nasty, not good for her health.

thanks, kat

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[puppyface]

PS this is my mom! and daughter.

from the book -

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten (either directly or indirectly) to punish us if we don't do what they want. At the heart of any kind of blackmail is one basic threat, which can be expressed in many different ways: If you don't behave the way I want you to, you will suffer.

~~

I am being punished. and she know exactly what to say to hurt me. exactly. and she has no problems using it. 

[lbjnltx]

Hello puppyface

Welcome to the Parenting Board.

I'm sorry to learn that your d has breast cancer and that your relationship with her is so painful for both of you. :'(

She must be scared, as you say.  Are you scared too?  I would be if it were my daughter.   

When my husband was undergoing radiation to his brain for stage 4 cancer he could get pretty ugly at times.  His anger, pain, fear, and frustrations got projected outward in a kind of misguided way.  As his primary caregiver I had to set a boundary with him to let him know that I need to be respected and take care of myself emotionally so that I could continue to give him the care and empathy he needed and deserved.

I understand that your d has been treating you poorly prior to the cancer diagnoses.  She lacks the skills to cope with her intense emotions and the twisted thinking that keeps her in an unhealthy loop of thought/feeling/behaviors.  Being able to identify the triggers that we have, the triggers our kids have and adjust our reactions/actions for a healthier relationship is beneficial.

What are your triggers?  Not saying "thank you"? 

What are her triggers?  You mentioned that you said something you were "not supposed to say" so that's a trigger.  Learning to communicate in ways that protect us, validate our kids, and avoid triggering is possible... not easy and still possible.

lbj

[AVR1962]

Hello Kat, I am 52 and my daughter was diagnosed with BPD when she was 18, then again when she was 21 and that counselor diagnosed her with bipolar an depression. Daughter has since rejected all the diagnosis and has since blamed me. She found a counselor that (she claims) told her that neither counselor spent enough time with her to realize she didn't have BPD and that her only problem is me.

My daughter sounds just like yours. I have had the same rejection and then when she wants something she comes around. I try to be careful and try myself to do as I have been counseled and read in books, I try to be a support with invading her privacy or telling her what to do. When she has used me up or I ask her a question, or say something she become uncomfortable with and can't answer it I become the bad guy, she won't speak to me, she run to whoever will listen and tells them all kinds of ridiculous stories of what I supposedly said and did. It is insane.

You are in a tough place as you do want to support your daughter who has cancer. I wish I had the answers but I do not. You are not alone. Great support her. I wish you the best!

[puppyface]

Hello puppyface



She must be scared, as you say.  Are you scared too?  I would be if it were my daughter.   

YES, OF COURSE I AM!  terrified! and sad.

... .I had to set a boundary with him to let him know that I need to be respected and take care of myself emotionally so that I could continue to give him the care and empathy he needed and deserved.

yes, thank you. trying to learn how to do that! have some boundries and know that I'm OK to want that!

I understand that your d has been treating you poorly prior to the cancer diagnoses.  She lacks the skills to cope with her intense emotions and the twisted thinking that keeps her in an unhealthy loop of thought/feeling/behaviors.  Being able to identify the triggers that we have, the triggers our kids have and adjust our reactions/actions for a healthier relationship is beneficial.

yes!

What are your triggers?  Not saying "thank you"? 

What are her triggers?  You mentioned that you said something you were "not supposed to say" so that's a trigger. 

Yes, learning. I am trying!

lbj

yes, I know it is stressful for her and scary!

yes, she was a drama queen since childhood.

yes, she is OK with cutting me off and telling everyone that it's all my fault.

I'm scared and depressed, etc etc! and learning. and want to be healthy myself.

thank you! k

[puppyface]

Hello Kat, I am 52 and my daughter was diagnosed with BPD when she was 18, then again when she was 21 and that counselor diagnosed her with bipolar an depression. Daughter has since rejected all the diagnosis and has since blamed me. She found a counselor that (she claims) told her that neither counselor spent enough time with her to realize she didn't have BPD and that her only problem is me.

My daughter sounds just like yours. I have had the same rejection and then when she wants something she comes around. I try to be careful and try myself to do as I have been counseled and read in books, I try to be a support with invading her privacy or telling her what to do. When she has used me up or I ask her a question, or say something she become uncomfortable with and can't answer it I become the bad guy, she won't speak to me, she run to whoever will listen and tells them all kinds of ridiculous stories of what I supposedly said and did. It is insane.

You are in a tough place as you do want to support your daughter who has cancer. I wish I had the answers but I do not. You are not alone. Great support her. I wish you the best!

Thank you!

yup - all that!

thank you so much!

I am learning.

she did text me yesterday, we are meeting today, before her flight home across the country. so, I will see her before she goes.

cancer is scary as hell! and I want to be able to see my grandkids as well as her.

I am learning how to have boundries for ME and not be run on guilt and fear.

thanks mucho!

kat

[pessim-optimist]

Hello puppyface, 

Such a scary place to be right now with all of the uncertainty with your daughter's health. 

Hoping your meeting goes well today... .

Did you get to see your grandkids this time as well, or was only your daughter visiting?

Trying to keep all of the relationships AND keeping our sanity and taking care of ourselves at the same time can be difficult to accomplish at times.

Learning the skills to help us do all of that more effectively takes time, and practice - we are here to support you.

[thefixermom]

I'm so relieved for you that your daughter agreed to meet up again before departure.  My daughter only got worse when I let her "get to me" and control me by  her abusive threats.  But it took years for me to have the courage to let her go. I acted like I let her go for a time before it became real.  Things started to get better even though inside my head I was still hurting... .but recently I felt the "let go" truly happen and I've been living in peace and uninterrupted joy since then. I love her with all my heart so that never changed. I accepted I cannot fix her and I do my best to not judge her. I did learn to validate and not give my unsolicited opinions for the most part and I quit taking her verbal insults personally. I felt sad that she was missing out on a great relationship with me but I understood that this is something she has to go through until she wants a change herself. I let her suffer with her life and find ways to get better. I became immune to the stories she told about me and walked erect with a smile in the face of them.  I didn't let her opinion of me change who I was. She had some serious health issues, too, and it would've been wonderful to be there for her. A side benefit is I've noticed I'm more real and free with other people in my life, too. I used to be so codependent and never truly knew what it was like to just be me in the world.