What kind of contact have you had post bu?

[Confused?]

This is kind of a different question I'm asking. If your answer is no contact does your ex still attempt to contact you? I am over a year out and my ex occasionally contacts me. She used to more often when the break up was fresh. She has apologized countless times. The odd thing I can't put my finger on is why she still contacts me. She broke every bridge imaginable and there would be no way to show her face again. I have even asked her why she contacts me and I get no answer. There have been zero recycle attempts and I don't think she is testing the waters either. So I would say my extremely low contact I've had with my ex is maybe emotional impulsive contact for her? What kind of contact have you had since break up?

[Bigmd]

I was nc for two months until I texted her one drunken night. She was very cold and didn't want to talk about "us". She said we could be friends and still text. That was almost two months ago and we haven't spoken since and don't expect to. Like everyone says nc is the way to go and it's helped me forget she even exists.

[juniorswailing]

Mine lasted 5 days before texting me in response to something she has seen in my FB.

I've not replied and I'm just waiting for the next stage.

[OnceConfused]

think of this as immature and inconsiderate behaviors. Why cann't one let the previous r.s go?.  My xBPDgf did just that, constantly was in contacts with her xs (plural).

[Michelle27]

My ex moved out of our home on July 2nd.  Within a week I caught him stalking me and while I didn't text him, he texted me a lame reason he was seen where he was.  I didn't reply.  About 4 weeks later I received an email that struck me as odd because after 15 years together, I knew it sounded like it wasn't written by him at all.  It was about moving on and finalizing our marital breakdowns.  I replied with an answer that included asking him to please not continue manipulating our daughter the way he had tried to and to finalize visitation with her.  I never got a reply and several weeks later I got a letter from a lawyer.  Since then, all contact has been through the lawyer.  I truly hope I don't have any contact although I have been clear with our daughter that while her father and I can't have a relationship, she is absolutely welcome to be in contact with him as much as she wants.  Unfortunately, he changed his phone number in August and never let her (or I) the number and she hasn't heard from him at all since mid August apart from one day in September when she was walking to school and he pulled over to talk to her for 5 minutes.  Meanwhile, he has told people including his first wife (who he is unaware that I have been in contact with) that he is absolutely in contact with his daughter which is a total lie.  It's baffling to me, although I am relieved to have him out of my life, his behavior isn't fair to his daughter.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex and I shared a group of mutual friends prior to the breakup, and he has become almost reclusive lately.  He came back to our group six weeks after the breakup and hung out a little, but he couldn't handle me triggering him and began acting very strangely.  I have tried several times to initiate a conversation that would lead to at least being able to have a peaceful friendship, but he has now threatened me with a restraining order if I ever contact him again.  That was six weeks ago.  As far as I know, he is sitting at home with his cats, eating Taco Bell alone.  There is no replacement and I suspect his social life is bleak.

He comes on to our shared social media and looks for me about twice every day.  Every two days, max.

[Learning_curve74]

My ex gf sends me stuff on social media or by email occasionally. All things she knows I would find interesting. I email and text her occasionally for the same reasons. I am happy to be just friends now but it seems like she prefers to remain more distant than that; we don't get together in person for coffee or the movies or anything like that. I would do those things with her just like any other friend but since she's not wanting to, that's fine too. One of her favorite things is to drink alcohol until she's falling down, but I won't do that with her now and perhaps she senses that.

What she is truly thinking in her head, I won't ever really know, nor is it really that important to me. I have no urge to rescue her or teach her anything. I only want to live a good healthy life and if she takes a lesson from that, good on her but it's not my business, that's all on her.

[Reforming]

Interesting thread.

It's over three years since my relationship ended - it was quite long - and I've kept no contact for most of that time.

Initially I did it to protect myself. Things were pretty raw at the beginning - it ended with an affair - and I found any contact really painful and upsetting.

Later on I decided it was healthier if I didn't try and remain friends. I'm not a great believer in being friends with exes though I think it very depends on how the relationship ends and whether there's children involved.

In my case there was not children, but there was quite a lot of damage and no trust.

Mutt posted an interesting thread about 5 ways to Move on From and Ex You Still Love written by Jennice Villhauer

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286289.0;topicseen

In the section on cutting off contact she writes

"True friendship means two people care about each other’s well-being and have one another’s best interest at heart. By the time many relationships end, it is often in question whether both parties can genuinely provide this kind of care and support for one another. The expectation that someone who didn’t treat you well while you were together will be capable of being a true friend afterward sets you up to continue being hurt."

I think she absolutely right and I thought the healthiest thing for me was avoid any contact at all. I realise that this doesn't necessarily work for everyone.

Reforming

[hashtag_loyal]

I have not seen my ex in person since she picked up her stuff from my place over a month ago.

Since then, I have responded to all of her contact, but the only time I have initiated contact was a few days after the b/u when I informed her about the STD she gave me. She will send me a snapchat, or an "I miss you" message through FB or text every few days, and I usually respond.

She's definitely still obsessed with me. If I post a snapchat story or something else on social media I will usually hear from her within hours. Once she went through and liked every one of my IG photos she had not previously liked, and did the same thing on a different network 3 days ago before texting and eventually calling that evening. The last time I spoke to her on the phone she broke down sobbing telling me all the things she missed about me.

I feel like this superficial "friendship" will continue at least for several weeks until she can find her next victim, but after seeing the accounts from Confused and others, this behavior might go on for years and years. I really would like to be best friends with my ex (even though I know it would be one-sided), but I doubt that will ever happen. She has nobody in her life that she can truly trust and confide in. Even her therapist is friends with her mom, so not exactly the unbiased resource she needs. However, she said herself that she pushes people away when they get too close, so I doubt this will actually happen.

The last contact was on Thursday when I suggested (for the second time) that she delete my number if she wasn't willing to be 100% honest with me. I told her that I have forgiven her for all the lying and cheating but that she would need to open up and admit everything if she wants me to be her friend. That's a line that will forever be drawn in the sand. If she truly wants me in her life she will have to overcome her fear of intimacy. If not, then I guess we are just "Facebook friends", and that is that. I am fine with either outcome. I do feel bad for her, but I have my own life to live.

[Climbmountains91]

When we've been on N/C he's been good with it he sticks to it and accepts it, doesn't try to contact me, its me that's the problem I'm to weak, he always respects it. I get the begging of friendship when I tell him I want N/C but even that don't feel genuine.

After Christmas as there's no point until then because we've got to sort a lot of things I'm planning on changing my number and just contacting through email about our daughter and this is a boundary I want for myself, its something I've thought about for a while when before it was a week and I'd block him etc...

[MakingMyWay]

I contacted her by email probably about five times which she ignored. I ran into her on the bus at university (we go to the same one), she tried to talk to me but I told her I wasn't ready to talk. About a month later I saw her at university again but I talked to her this time (I initiated). She basically told me the reason we broke up was "hard to put into words", so basically she didn't know. Two days after that her Dad was calling me accusing me of stalking her. I haven't contacted her since. I got a friend request from a fake facebook profile about a month ago which I assume was her.

[Fr4nz]

This is kind of a different question I'm asking. If your answer is no contact does your ex still attempt to contact you? I am over a year out and my ex occasionally contacts me. She used to more often when the break up was fresh. She has apologized countless times. The odd thing I can't put my finger on is why she still contacts me. She broke every bridge imaginable and there would be no way to show her face again. I have even asked her why she contacts me and I get no answer. There have been zero recycle attempts and I don't think she is testing the waters either. So I would say my extremely low contact I've had with my ex is maybe emotional impulsive contact for her? What kind of contact have you had since break up?

I guess some may do this because, in the end, BPD is an attachment disorder, so they cannot let us truly go, even if they don't want a relationship with us anymore (and yes, even if they replaced us in the blink of an eye!).

I suppose this is especially true if you were the one who left the relationship.

Anyway, now it's 10+ months after breakup and 9 months of NC. Not a peep from her (and also from me), but I know she still looks my facebook page quite often (and I do the same). Guess it's her way to maintain some sort of "contact".

[SummerStorm]

After my former friend ended our friendship and told me she didn't want me in her life anymore, she stopped replying to my texts.  I tried contacting her off and on for about a week or so, to no avail.  Then, I gave up.  About a month later, I got a card from her in the mail.  The note went back and forth between her saying I was a good friend and her telling me not to contact her again.  It was like her feelings toward me shifted back and forth as she was writing.  I texted her the next day, and she replied.  So, she didn't want me contacting her, but she didn't take any steps after that to block me or change her number.  About three weeks later, she texted me to tell me she had broken up with her boyfriend, but it was clear that she had no intention of having a serious conversation.  I didn't contact her after that.  A week later, she texted me again and asked if she could live with me.  I told her she couldn't, for a legitimate reason, and didn't even bother to address the past because I knew it wasn't worth it. 

For the next month or so, I texted her on and off, but she was distant and clearly had no intention of actually hanging out with me or anything like that.  As soon as she got a new boyfriend, she discarded me again and called me crazy.  I also triggered her abandonment fears a few days before her birthday, so it was a perfect storm of things, really.  Five days later, I texted her, and she replied.  That was the last time she replied to me.  It's been over two months.  First, I sent some friendly texts.  Then, I sent her some angry texts a few days later, and I'm assuming that my texts are now blocked.  That being said, she also won't reply to any messages that our mutual friend sends her, even though she recently accepted her friend request on Facebook, within minutes of receiving it.  I know for certain that my calls are blocked.  I'm not sure if this is unique to this discard or something that she did the last time as well. 

Our mutual friend tags me in posts on Facebook and recently posted pics of us together, and she hasn't unfriended her or blocked me.  I only recently joined Facebook, but she would have to know by now that I'm on it. 

So, the contact I had was pretty lame, and it ultimately led to another discard.  I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I hear from her again. 

[Mr Hollande]

Similar to you, Confused, I am contacted at times. I don't think she wants to recycle either but maybe a sense of shame drives her to need my forgiveness so she can feel better and help her get on with her life. I always ask her what she wants but I don't think any of her reasons are to be taken as the truth. At this stage I am wary of anything coming from her.

I have never contacted her since the final discard and I never will. Last time she phoned she wanted to reconcile. I refused and asked her to not contact me again. I did it partly out of vindictiveness. I don't wish her well and if she suffers for what she did, even minutely, then that's good. I hope it lasts the rest of her life. She'll get no kindness or forgiveness from me.

Do you reckon your ex wants your forgiveness and for you to say it's OK so she can be absolved of shame and feel better? Would you give it to her?

[Confused?]

I have forgave my ex countless times. The contact from her usually goes something like this. " I'm sorry for everything. You deserve the best. You are a great person." The past year plus I have received at least 5 of these at random times. I think it's when she either did something wrong or has that clear moment of what she actually did to me. A lot of people got it worse than me in these situations so I take everything I can out of mine to feel better. I usually respond by telling her thanks and asking her why she felt the need to say it. She answers " I had to". I have also had conversations with her numerous times. She isn't a bad person she is just mentally Ill. I don't feel bad for her since she doesn't want to get better. It wasn't her fault she was born with BPD tho. I guess part of me forgives her because I saw her at her lowest of lows. And it is a sad place to see.

[Mr Hollande]

I saw mine at her lowest points too. I did what I could to support and help her. It's not her fault that her parents didn't love and protect her. It's not her fault that she was molested by her father. She does bear responsibility for the pain she's inflicted on those who have loved her since though. In the end she chose to be with an addict and rub it in my face with glee. I can never forgive that. She'll receive only hatred if she turns to me again.

[JRT]

Zero... .it has been around a year and 2 months... .though I highly suspect that she stalks me (she even made contact with a friend of mine from HERE!), she has not made any direct contact with me at all.

[focus]

She has tried countless times to call me.

She texts me regularly as well.

I closed my facebook account.

I have never picked up when she calls nor replied to her texts.

It's been since mid June.

I also suspect all the random numbers that have been calling me is her, at least some of the numbers, so I don't take any chances.

I turned my phone off over two weeks ago.

I thought no contact ment no contact, even if the other person calls or texts. Well, that's just me I guess

[Mr Hollande]

I thought no contact ment no contact, even if the other person calls or texts. Well, that's just me I guess

The latest buzzword is ":)o Not Resuscitate" which is a more accurate description of what I do. I never initiate contact and my replies are either silence or cold hostility.

[hurting300]

I do not have a personality disorder, and I still look at my exes Facebook page. I do still miss her after two years almost. I think all of us BPD or not Facebook stalk.

[Reforming]

I do not have a personality disorder, and I still look at my exes Facebook page. I do still miss her after two years almost. I think all of us BPD or not Facebook stalk.

Completely agree Hurting.

FB stalking is endemic whether you've go a PD or not. In fact my ex hated FB and social media - not unhealthy in that respect, but she also had an almost frightening obsession with privacy which frequently bordered on unhealthy secrecy. I think this was largely a product of her history of childhood sexual abuse

If you search this site you'll find threads on recycling that highlight the fact that many Nons try and reconnect with their exes.

Recycling is not just a BPD phenomenon, many people reach out to their exes and try and resuscitate a failed relationship.

NC can be a very useful and appropriate way to protect yourself when you're struggling with the end of a relationship.

It doesn't have to be couched in hostility or spite thought I realise that this can be very difficult when you feel deeply hurt and your trust has been violated

You can state firmly and politely that you feel it's unhealthy and destructive to continue having any contact.  If they don't respect your choice or you're worried that you will struggle to stick to this you can block your ex on social media, email, phone and text. It's a pretty straightforward process that will guarantee you the privacy and space to heal.

Ultimately this is healthier than continuing hostilities. This just leaves you feeling angry and enmeshed.

Detaching is about stepping away and not trying to have the last word no matter how angry you feel. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's the best way forward

Reforming

[focus]

I do not have a personality disorder, and I still look at my exes Facebook page. I do still miss her after two years almost. I think all of us BPD or not Facebook stalk.

Completely agree Hurting.

FB stalking is endemic whether you've go a PD or not. In fact my ex hated FB and social media - not unhealthy in that respect, but she also had an almost frightening obsession with privacy which frequently bordered on unhealthy secrecy. I think this was largely a product of her history of childhood sexual abuse

If you search this site you'll find threads on recycling that highlight the fact that many Nons try and reconnect with their exes.

Recycling is not just a BPD phenomenon, many people reach out to their exes and try and resuscitate a failed relationship.

NC can be a very useful and appropriate way to protect yourself when you're struggling with the end of a relationship.

It doesn't have to be couched in hostility or spite thought I realise that this can be very difficult when you feel deeply hurt and your trust has been violated

You can state firmly and politely that you feel it's unhealthy and destructive to continue having any contact.  If they don't respect your choice or you're worried that you will struggle to stick to this you can block your ex on social media, email, phone and text. It's a pretty straightforward process that will guarantee you the privacy and space to heal.

Ultimately this is healthier than continuing hostilities. This just leaves you feeling angry and enmeshed.

Detaching is about stepping away and not trying to have the last word no matter how angry you feel. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's the best way forward

Reforming

Good points and good post but one question.

Why only stick to or force no contact while you're healing?

Why would anyone pick up the phone or reply to texts, emails or any other form of messages on social media after the 'healing' process?

Wouldn't that just open up a can of maggots?

Wouldn't that risk the mental and emotional state of the one 'healing'?

Why would anyone want their ex back in their lifes? I'm talking in general, personality disordered or not.

I know some people have to because there are children involved but that one aside.

Okay, this was not just one question.

[Reforming]

Fair question Focus

I think it depends on how the relationship ends, how long you were together and whether there's children involved.

If you spent a long time with someone it's very hard to erase that history and completely write them out of your life.

It's a very personal choice and in some circumstances I think it's probably healthier to be on friendly terms. It's rather bleak and sad to look back on a long term relationship with just hostility and anger

Being on friendly terms is quite different from being friends or close friends, which is very difficult for most of us with ex romantic partner.

Where there's a lot of hurt and damage and the relationship has ended and it's quite understandable to end contact. Ideally it's still better to do this in a way that minimises more damage. Challenging, I know, but in the long run it leaves you feeling better about yourself

Reforming

[Polis_Ohio]

Contact with my ex has been all over the place.

At first it was sparse and she treated me horribly, making up things and totally twisting our relationship. Then she crashed and was "dumped" by a guy she idealized, came to me for emotional support and was very, very depressed.

Then she "got better", idealized someone else and we didn't talk for a bit. Suddenly, we started talking again, tried to be friends. Recently we have been ok but she's been off. We were supposed to go grab lunch on Friday and she cancelled, of course, then said we would figure something out last weekend but never responded to my text. Basically, she used me as emotional support and to borrow a little money to get her car, pretended to want to be my friend, or felt she did at that very moment, and now is ignoring me.

Her loss. I tried to be friends and do friend things together but she is so resistant for some weird reason, she's the one who left and she is the one asking for friendship. Every now and again she wants to see me, namely when she is depressed.

[SummerStorm]

Contact with my ex has been all over the place.

At first it was sparse and she treated me horribly, making up things and totally twisting our relationship. Then she crashed and was "dumped" by a guy she idealized, came to me for emotional support and was very, very depressed.

Then she "got better", idealized someone else and we didn't talk for a bit. Suddenly, we started talking again, tried to be friends. Recently we have been ok but she's been off. We were supposed to go grab lunch on Friday and she cancelled, of course, then said we would figure something out last weekend but never responded to my text. Basically, she used me as emotional support and to borrow a little money to get her car, pretended to want to be my friend, or felt she did at that very moment, and now is ignoring me.

Her loss. I tried to be friends and do friend things together but she is so resistant for some weird reason, she's the one who left and she is the one asking for friendship. Every now and again she wants to see me, namely when she is depressed.

This sounds exactly like what I went through, right down to her thinking that she is suddenly better. 

Before the first discard, after she chose to stay with her boyfriend instead of being with me, I tried to be friends with her and tried to get her to do things with me, but she would either ignore me or change the subject. 

She is the one who initiated contact after the first discard... .and then told me never to contact her again.

But once she contacted me again, she did just act like we had been friends all along, but that we just hadn't spoken for two months. 

July 20th - Card from her: ":)on't contact me.  It's best for everyone, especially me." 

August 4th - One word reply ("No" to a text I sent.

August 5th - No birthday wishes from her

August 9th - Text from her: "I'm not moving anymore.  And my boyfriend and I broke up."

August 17th - Asked if she could live with me

By mid-September or so, I was blocked and painted even blacker than I was the first time.  She is idealizing someone else now.  It will be interesting to see what happens when that ends. 

[Learning Fast]

SS---boy, that's enough to make anyone's head spin.

Contact with my ex has been sporadic and indifferent (it's been about 5 months since we split). One consistency has been that she rarely if ever asks about me or my life (and we've either met or talked on the phone several times and have texted many times).  As an example, she is a celebrity/famous people follower of sorts (which in an of itself is somewhat immature for a 45 year old woman).  I was in NYC recently and had an unplanned photo op with a high stature/high visibility individual of whom she is very aware.  Sent her the photo and mentioned a few other things---she commented on the few other things but didn't even acknowledge the photo.  Not a word.

Additionally, earlier this summer I'd had texted to her on her dad's birthday wishing him a good day (even remembered how old he was).  No response---and this had nothing to do with us or me. 

It's simply astonishing at how almost all aspects of our relationship seem to be sealed in an emotional vault with little to no access.  I think it is the pain/shame of the past coupled with evidence that we are advancing with our lives that becomes unbearable for them.

[SummerStorm]

SS---boy, that's enough to make anyone's head spin.

Contact with my ex has been sporadic and indifferent (it's been about 5 months since we split). One consistency has been that she rarely if ever asks about me or my life (and we've either met or talked on the phone several times and have texted many times).  As an example, she is a celebrity/famous people follower of sorts (which in an of itself is somewhat immature for a 45 year old woman).  I was in NYC recently and had an unplanned photo op with a high stature/high visibility individual of whom she is very aware.  Sent her the photo and mentioned a few other things---she commented on the few other things but didn't even acknowledge the photo.  Not a word.

Additionally, earlier this summer I'd had texted to her on her dad's birthday wishing him a good day (even remembered how old he was).  No response---and this had nothing to do with us or me. 

It's simply astonishing at how almost all aspects of our relationship seem to be sealed in an emotional vault with little to no access.  I think it is the pain/shame of the past coupled with evidence that we are advancing with our lives that becomes unbearable for them.

When she attempted to be friends with me again, not only did she not ask me about my life, but she basically didn't tell me anything about hers.  I mean, other than a brief text exchange in July, we hadn't communicated in over two months.  All she seemed to care about was making sure I knew that she was single again.  I'm sure she wanted me to say something bad about her ex, like I used to when she was idealizing me and devaluing him, but he saved her life in June and then kept me updated on how she was doing, so at this point, the only way I'd say something about about him is if he committed a terrible crime against humanity. 

And really, even when we were friends, she rarely asked me about my life.  On the day I closed on my house, I texted her as soon as the deed was in my hands.  About 10 hours later, I got a reply: "Yay!"  That was it.  She didn't ask me any questions or say anything other than "yay."  Less than two weeks later, she told me I was crazy and discarded me again.

I agree that they don't like to see us advancing with our lives. 

[Learning Fast]

My ex was very interested in my life during the initial idealization phase (as I'm sure was common with many) as we didn't know each other that well and didn't have any shared experiences to discuss.  This is a pretty common start with most relationships as the two individuals involved get to know each other.

As time went on (probably about the 5-6 month point) there was a noticeable change.  She then became almost solely interested in experiences that we had shared in the past or were planning as a couple in the future.  Any discussion or commentary about interests/activities/travel/outings or whatever that involved me exclusively without her were given short shrift with very little inquiry.  As we have all found, however, the good 'ole BPD paradox appeared---whatever she did independently was just fine and to be expected.

Ironically, she has only mentioned my replacement a couple of times (and still refers to him as her "friend"--really?) and in those instances I suspect it has been done to elicit a response.  I have yet to take the bait and typically respond "Sounds good" or "Have fun".  Unfortunately I feel she is keeping me tethered in orbit for recycle purposes.  Stay tuned.

[shatra]

Polis wrote--

Then she "got better", idealized someone else and we didn't talk for a bit. Suddenly, we started talking again, tried to be friends. Recently we have been ok but she's been off. We were supposed to go grab lunch on Friday and she cancelled, of course, then said we would figure something out last weekend but never responded to my text. Basically, she used me as emotional support and to borrow a little money to get her car, pretended to want to be my friend, or felt she did at that very moment, and now is ignoring me.

----It might not be that she "used" you, it might just be a symptom of the disorder.  All this pushing you away and pulling you in is typical. Hard for you to deal with all this, no matter what the cause. But the cause is probably not "using" you in the usual sense

[FannyB]

I bump into my ex most weeks and we get on fine. I view her very differently now from when I was in a relationship with her. Total no contact wasn't really an option given we work in the same building and this relative 'normality' is less stressful for both of us I think.

Fanny

[Mr Hollande]

Contact with my ex has been all over the place... .

This kind of BS is the reason why I will have nothing to do with my ex. Beyond telling her to get lost on the odd occasions when she reached out that is. What was is gone, it was an illusion anyway, and the only thing that remains is the chaos and abuse just described by PO. Nothing good will come from it.

[Polis_Ohio]

Yea, we haven't really "talked" in some time. Just the usual "Happy Thanksgiving" and trying to schedule a time to get the rest of her and her son's stuff out of my house.

I tried to talk to her but she ignores it.