Has learning about BPD helped you?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have found the more I learn about BPD the more confusing it seems. After months of trying to learn about, I am still so confused about my past relationship. I have been called easy, the most horrible person he has ever met, worse than his exs, a compulsive liar, game player, a cheat  around the same amount of times I have heard that I am the one, the love of his life, the best person he has ever, and how he knows how much I care about him.

It still doesn't make any sense. It is so confusing I am not sure whether he really thinks all the horrible things are true about me and just pretended to love me for whatever reason or whether he really did love me but just says things he doesn't mean to hurt me when he is hurt. Or a combination of both of them where sometimes he really believes he loves me and other times where he really thinks I am an easy horrible liar and hates me.

Within a few months of the break up he started by telling me was back with his ex, insulted me to my friends and family, then started begging for me back, then started insulting me again by telling me awful things about how he had cheated on me the whole time, always thought I was an easy slut, used me for money, thought about other people when we were in bed, then a few weeks later said he didn't mean any of it and said it to hurt me, begged for me back in a desperate way by offering me money to see him and telling me he would prove he loves me by getting a tattoo of my name, saying he wouldn't care if i slept with anyone else he just wants me back. Then a few weeks later he says I am messing with his head and giving him false hope so when he asks if I am seeing someone I say yes. Then I get abuse from him saying I'm easy and a liar for telling him I loved him (I haven't said that since I was in relationship with him) and dumped him for better sex with someone else and he doesn't care what I believe about him. I told him I was sorry if he was hurt and wished him well. He told me he could do better than me and that he wasn't hurt.

I feel sad that I will never really know what he feels now or how he felt when I was with him. I wish I didn't still care about me him and I don't know why I still think about him. Despite what he says I still sometimes get the feeling like I want him back but I know that I shouldn't for many reasons and will end up more miserable if I ever did.

[klacey3]

I have found the more I learn about BPD the more confusing it seems. After months of trying to learn about, I am still so confused about my past relationship. I have been called easy, the most horrible person he has ever met, worse than his exs, a compulsive liar, game player, a cheat  around the same amount of times I have heard that I am the one, the love of his life, the best person he has ever, and how he knows how much I care about him.

It still doesn't make any sense. It is so confusing I am not sure whether he really thinks all the horrible things are true about me and just pretended to love me for whatever reason or whether he really did love me but just says things he doesn't mean to hurt me when he is hurt. Or a combination of both of them where sometimes he really believes he loves me and other times where he really thinks I am an easy horrible liar and hates me.

Within a few months of the break up he started by telling me was back with his ex, insulted me to my friends and family, then started begging for me back, then started insulting me again by telling me awful things about how he had cheated on me the whole time, always thought I was an easy slut, used me for money, thought about other people when we were in bed, then a few weeks later said he didn't mean any of it and said it to hurt me, begged for me back in a desperate way by offering me money to see him and telling me he would prove he loves me by getting a tattoo of my name, saying he wouldn't care if i slept with anyone else he just wants me back. Then a few weeks later he says I am messing with his head and giving him false hope so when he asks if I am seeing someone I say yes. Then I get abuse from him saying I'm easy and a liar for telling him I loved him (I haven't said that since I was in relationship with him) and dumped him for better sex with someone else and he doesn't care what I believe about him. I told him I was sorry if he was hurt and wished him well. He told me he could do better than me and that he wasn't hurt.

I feel sad that I will never really know what he feels now or how he felt when I was with him. I wish I didn't still care about me him and I don't know why I still think about him. Despite what he says I still sometimes get the feeling like I want him back but I know that I shouldn't for many reasons and will end up more miserable if I ever did.

[Confused?]

Learning about BPD only helped me during my relationship. After it no. Hearing similar stories has helped me, this forum has helped me, and also self reflection has helped me. Reading about BPD usually makes you feel sorry for the sufferers. It also shows the twisted side. The only true thing about BPD that has helped me is knowing that others went through what I did. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

[Mr Hollande]

It has offered a much needed explanation and sharing similar experiences with others has been very helpful but it hasn't tempered my animosity towards her.

[hashtag_loyal]

Has learning about BPD helped me? It has helped me immensely. I have learned to not take anything my dBPDxgf does or says personally.

I feel sad that I will never really know what he feels now or how he felt when I was with him.

Many pwBPD feel a combination of persistent shame, emptiness, self-hatred, uncontrollable rage and fear. Lots and lots of fear. Be glad that you cannot relate to how he feels or felt.

I am sorry you are going through all this. He clearly has said some hateful things and gone out of his way to hurt you.

For me, learning about BPD and staying in LC with my ex has helped with my healing, but perhaps for others that can be triggering and delay the healing process. I don't know much about Radical Acceptance or No Contact, but perhaps those are two strategies worth investigating?

[Confused108]

Klacy3 I'm sorry you went through that. As much as it does hurt and I know it does walk away. Don't look back. Because unless they themselves get help/treatment it's always gonna be the same thing. Finally after 28 years I now know what is wrong with my ex. So knowing about BPD has really helped me "get over" her. She was the love of my life. But unfortunatly has BPD . I now know I can Never have a normal relationship with her. I will always love her so to speak I just can't be with her. This disorder really does rob the person of who they once were. Take care of you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey klacey-

I have found the more I learn about BPD the more confusing it seems. After months of trying to learn about, I am still so confused about my past relationship. I have been called easy, the most horrible person he has ever met, worse than his exs, a compulsive liar, game player, a cheat  around the same amount of times I have heard that I am the one, the love of his life, the best person he has ever, and how he knows how much I care about him.

Push/pull behavior and black and white thinking.

It still doesn't make any sense. It is so confusing I am not sure whether he really thinks all the horrible things are true about me and just pretended to love me for whatever reason or whether he really did love me but just says things he doesn't mean to hurt me when he is hurt. Or a combination of both of them where sometimes he really believes he loves me and other times where he really thinks I am an easy horrible liar and hates me.

He doesn't think, he feels, and those feelings dictate his thoughts.  Speaking standard borderline here, so bear with me.  In trying to get your head around a mental illness it helps to not use rational thought; it won't make sense in the way you and I mean sense.

Borderlines are driven by fear and shame.

Fear of becoming engulfed, push the other person (attachment) away.

Fear of being abandoned, pull the other person closer.

Feel shame around the inability to form a stable partnership, and shame in general, deal with those feelings by projecting them on you, which drives you away, more shame and fear of abandonment, pull you back, start feeling engulfed again, never really leveling with you about what's going on with him because 1) he doesn't really know and 2) if he told you, you would agree with him how worthless he is and leave, abandon him.

That roller coaster will never stop, all you can do is get off.  And it's a living hell he's trapped in.

So all of his thoughts about you were accurate when he thought them, and entirely swayed by intense emotions.  Mental illness.

Within a few months of the break up he started by telling me was back with his ex, insulted me to my friends and family, then started begging for me back, then started insulting me again by telling me awful things about how he had cheated on me the whole time, always thought I was an easy slut, used me for money, thought about other people when we were in bed, then a few weeks later said he didn't mean any of it and said it to hurt me, begged for me back in a desperate way by offering me money to see him and telling me he would prove he loves me by getting a tattoo of my name, saying he wouldn't care if i slept with anyone else he just wants me back.

Projection to avoid shame, feel abandonment, pull, feel engulfed, push, shame over hurting you, projection, abandonment, pull, roundy round... .

A tattoo is a pretty extreme version of pull though, wonder what happens with that when push shows up again?

Then a few weeks later he says I am messing with his head and giving him false hope so when he asks if I am seeing someone I say yes. Then I get abuse from him saying I'm easy and a liar for telling him I loved him (I haven't said that since I was in relationship with him) and dumped him for better sex with someone else and he doesn't care what I believe about him. I told him I was sorry if he was hurt and wished him well. He told me he could do better than me and that he wasn't hurt.

The ultimate abandonment, seeing someone else, sent him reeling.  And he doesn't care what you believe about him because he can't, it would hurt way too much, his version at least, which is you're with someone else because he's worthless.

I feel sad that I will never really know what he feels now or how he felt when I was with him. I wish I didn't still care about me him and I don't know why I still think about him. Despite what he says I still sometimes get the feeling like I want him back but I know that I shouldn't for many reasons and will end up more miserable if I ever did.

He felt all of those things when you were with him, depending on the moment.  Unstable, intense interpersonal relationships are a trait of the disorder, and we all have experience of what it's like to live in those tornadoes for a while.  I'm sorry you went through that klacey, and this is an opportunity too; it wasn't all the borderline, it takes two to tango, and the shake-up of all we thought we knew of normal in these relationships is great motivation for digging, identifying our part, and I know I was far from perfect, and then digging to see what's up with that?  Why do we respond the way we do in relationships?  Not necessarily an uncovering of repressed trauma from our youth or any such thing, just an opportunity to look at who we are in relationship and why, really look, on the way to a bright future and a better version of ourselves, borne out of borderline school.  Take care of you!

[FannyB]

It has helped immensely. Without that knowledge I'd either be consumed with bitterness or stalking her now - as per my predecessors behaviour when they were canned! 


Fanny

[Joem678]

Yes it has.  For two decades, I was left with many "unexplained" moments.  I am now closing the doors on those moments as I am finding the answers I needed.  Now, as someone mentioned earlier, acknowledging the disorder is the next step in the process.  It will help take away the negative emotions as I learn not to take her actions personally.

[juniorswailing]

Made sense of the lunacy that was ruining my life.

[NoNoNo]

it helped me a lot to stop trying to find a reasonable explanation for the way she left. i was going nuts trying to understand and i felt i was losing myself. knowing about BPD was a life raft for me. having said that, i'm at a point now where i think it doesn't really matter whether all that behaviour was triggered or could be explained by her being BPD, the bottom line is that i don't want that kind of person or r/s in my life. i also think knowing she is BPD will be one of the factors that enables me to forgive her for what she did and ultimately, find closure after this horrible circus. not there yet though... .

[juniorswailing]

That's the way I'm looking at it.

It's not her,  it's what's going on inside her head.

[kyon147]

I was with my uBPDexgf for 4 years and had so many unexplained moments. I always knew she has depression and anxiety but looking more into the r/s after it ended showed me she has a lot more going on that I realised and why it was both such a great and terrible journey.

BPD and NPD has opened my eyes now on how I fell into ever trap she set even when I thought I had the upper hand I didn't.

Our relationship from the start was text book for BPD and NPD as there seems to be a lot of cross over as with any mental illness is it a spectrum disorder.

I am only a few weeks post breakup she is with another guy who she set up while we were together. I was heartbroken and in a state of confusion.

Each day I learn more the more I fix myself, the less I think of her in the same way and the less it hurts. What she did there was no excuse but learning the reasons behind her actions helps me move on.

Still have bad days but even after 3 weeks it is easier and easier. Also start 8 weeks of therapy to make sure I do everything for me. Then in 4 weeks I fly to Japan to see a friend and just live my life again.

Keep reading and posting on here. We are all here for you and will support you how we can.

[juniorswailing]

Glad to see you are staying strong and getting there,  albeit slowly.

[Reforming]

Hi all,

Lots of good responses from others.

Learning about the disorder has a been a huge help.

It's our human nature to try and make sense of the world, to impose some kind of logic or structure. And this feels even more important when you're hurt or traumatised. When you've experienced a relationship with someone that is disordered, when normal behaviour seems to evaporate this feels even more important. You're left with so many unanswered questions…

Becoming aware of BPD answered a lot of those questions and helped me hugely on the road to detaching. It taught me that I wouldn't get answers or closure from my ex, but I COULD find them elsewhere.

Discovering the existence of BPD helped to gradually depersonalise the experience. Her behaviour wasn't really about me, though it felt intensely personal, and it will continue with my replacements unless she finds the strength to get help.

It's made me more aware of how others act and how I interact with them

With time it also let me to ask some questions about myself. Had I played a part? What are my strengths and weaknesses? How could avoid getting hurt like this again? What can I learn from the experience?

I've become a lot more self aware and determined to help myself

I'm still very much a work in progress, but learning about BPD opened lots of important doors

Reforming

[NoNoNo]

Becoming aware of BPD answered a lot of those questions and helped me hugely on the road to detaching. It taught me that I wouldn't get answers or closure from my ex, but I COULD find them elsewhere.

have you managed to find closure elsewhere? if so, where?

[Someguywrote]

Learning about BPD definitely helped me with acceptance and closure. I was stuck on trying to get her back for the first few weeks. After learning about the disorder and considering what the rest of my life would look like, I was able to let go.

I accepted that this is who she is and she won't change. I asked myself if I was really willing to deal with all that comes with BPD. I asked myself what was best for my kids. The answer was clear.

Learning about the BPD also helped in the limited communication I have with her. Now I can protect myself and keep from feeding in to her disorder.

[trilen]

Yes it has especially after the b/u.

My BPD ex and I have l/c. This works best for me rather than n/c. We have a lot of mutual friends and will be invited to the same parties and events.

I have learned how to respond to her in very benign ways that won't trigger her anger. It is fine with me, as I don't feel the need anymore to say what I am really thinking or feeling. When she calls, I will let it go to voice mail and say I was on the phone with a client and sorry I missed her call. Best to keep phone conversations few and far between.

When she baits me or texts something unkind, I remind myself that she has a mental illness.This was key to being able to not get hooked by the things she says and does. I think a lot of nons tend to get hooked because we compare the behavior to what we would do or say... .there is no rationalization for their behavior.

In the end, we are the lucky ones. It may not feel like it now because of the temporary pain, but at least we can move forward and have a healthy, loving relationship in the future. BPD's can't.

[hergestridge]

Learning about BPD helped me a lot when I was still in the relationship in so far that it helped me understand what was going in our relationship and why it was not working out. I think it also helped me realize that the relation was not for me and most likely doomed.

After we broke up knowledge about BPD helped me understand what happened to 20 years of my life and why I was not able to leave despite being treated badly.

Learning about BPD also made me understand my own part in what went wrong. BPD is about relationship dynamics and I think everyone close to the sufferer is co-dependent to some extent. Else we wouldn't be there by their side.

For a long time I thought my wife was just odd, then I thought she had bipolar or ADHD, conditions that can be treated with medication. When I realized that she was BPD (she was later diagnosed) the pieces fell into place and I stopped hoping for her to "recover". I understood that many of the problems were we had stemmed from who she was/is and not some external "illness" who is going to go away. The meanness and abuse was not a temporary thing.

Still I had several professionals asking telling me that her diagnosis really shouldn't matter to me - as a husband and friend. They just didn't understand, not even when I explained to them. Actually there was very little empathy from health care pros for me.