I always say the wrong thing...

[justamom6]

My daughter tried to commit suicide 2 weeks ago and was hospitalized and diagnosed with BPD.  There has always been raging arguments over the years but since the "event" things have gotten worse (or maybe better and I just don't realize it) I just am not sure anymore.  Now we know and can support her but my life has been in turmoil and I don't know what to say or do.  I have been reading a lot about the disorder and how I am supposed to react, but like anything, I can't change overnight and I don't even know where to begin or what to do or not do.

I just feel like I am left with all her stress and responsibilities all of a sudden (on top of my own); she was in in her senior year of college had a great job and was on the dean list every year.  Now she doesn't want to do anything or have any stress in her life.  I get that but I am left with calling the school, her work and trying to put everything on hold.  She brings home a new pet and asks me to buy her a sewing machine so she can take up a hobby.  Are these the right things to do?  I want her to have things to relieve her stress but is this the way to do it? I just don't have anyone to ask these things, I can talk to her doctors about her treatment but what about the family members that are left picking up all the pieces?

Any advice would be helpful, thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Justamom6 

Welcome to the site and the Parenting board, this is a place for you to get the support and information you need as you learn about this disorder and how to cope with how it affects you, your daughter, and your family.

The Lessons and Tools on the right side of the page are a collection of vital information that you can learn from over time.  This is all new to you so please be patient with yourself as you take it in and begin to apply the knowledge and skills. 

As far as reducing and alleviating the stressors in your daughter's life... .anything can be stressful, ie:  a new pet requires training and patience, sewing requires patience and skills, etc... .  It is how one manages stressors that needs to change and this can be learned in therapy.  Is your daughter in outpatient therapy currently?  What kind of therapy is she attending/planning to attend?

Improving our communication skills with our kids is a good start, validation is one of the basic skills we can learn and implement quickly.  Often times validation can reduce the emotional intensity of our interactions whilst giving us a positive action to engage in rather than "saying the wrong thing". 

We also have to be careful to not enable our kids to not do for themselves what they need to be doing.  We can be supportive without enabling.  Like  most anything in life, there are pros and cons for each decision we make.  Surviving a suicide attempt can certainly leave our children/adult children fearful (us too) and the natural reaction would be to eliminate stress which honestly isn't realistic. 

Who else is in the home that can be a source of support for you and your daughter?

lbjnltx

[livednlearned]

Hi Justamom6,

I wanted to join lbjnltx in welcoming you. A lot has happened in a short amount of time, and there is much to learn. There is also much that can help. The best communication skill to start stabilizing your relationship with her is validation. It's a simple tool and also takes a lot of practice. People with BPD have a higher than average need for validation, and it's not necessarily something we learn to do in the normal course of parenting.

There are some very helpful lessons on validation here on the site.

This will be helpful when your daughter talks about stress -- our instinct is to often invalidate (unknowingly) and try to fix problems for them. Sometimes the best way to do that is with validating questions.

It's ok to tell your daughter that this is new for you, and that you need time to process what's happening. It's better to establish boundaries early, though I know very hard to do when you are so worried about your child's life and well-being.

We're here for you. You're not alone 

LnL