A good Thanksgiving trip

[formflier]

I had made up my mind that I was going to enjoy the trip and my birthday, regardless of what she did.  First couple of days were great.    While snuggling/lounging in bed she turns on a TV show.  "Jane the Virgin".  I'm not familiar with it, so I hang with her and watch.  Cute show, but it's about a young woman and the drama around her relationships.    In her view she has had some guys lie to her.  She confronts them on their lies and they JADE like you read about, beg her, etc etc.  My "yellow alert" (for you trekkies) goes off and she starts a light rant about how lying is bad and ruinous and "all guys do it".  This quickly devolved into her telling me about my lying and demanding to know why I did it.  "Because whatever you are doing, I know it's no good."  (red alert, shields up)  I let her know I was going to take some space and as I was getting up out of the bed she was complaining about the disrespect I was showing by not answering her question and how "controlling and manipulative" I was.  I exited the room without comment.  Came back in 10 minutes with some oranges.  I offered, she declined.  I ate a couple and she was very pensive.  I left again for 5 minutes or so and came back with some sausage, this she accepted, she relaxed a bit more.  The rest of my birthday she stayed a bit aloof.  I enjoyed time with kids and family.  Compared to prior holiday events, this one was wonderful.    Question:  :)o I continue to watch the show with her if she offers?  I got online and read some reviews and plot lines.  More of the same.  I find the show cute and interesting and wouldn't mind to continue to watch.  However, these things trigger her.                  

FF

[KateCat]

Congratulations on a good Thanksgiving and on all the progress you're making in your move. 

The event you describe here is a nice little "nutshell" of scenes that play out again and again between the two of you, isn't it? So my first thought is that any work you do on processing this interaction will be productive work.

Do you want to continue with a pattern of bringing her a treat or doing her some other small service after she has make comments like the ones she made here?

[Fian]

Ever had the scenario where your wife is mad at you because you were bad in a dream that she had?  My wife has done that to me a couple of times.   

[Icthelight]

Ever had the scenario where your wife is mad at you because you were bad in a dream that she had?  My wife has done that to me a couple of times.   

Yes, definitely, Yes! It seems that she has these type of dreams when she's feeling insecure about us. Sometimes I wonder if she really had the dream and it's just an excuse to start at me about something I did or did not do. Apparently, I seem to have more sex in her dreams than I do with her 

[Icthelight]

Question:  :)o I continue to watch the show with her if she offers?  I got online and read some reviews and plot lines.  More of the same.

I find the show cute and interesting and wouldn't mind to continue to watch.  However, these things trigger her.

First of all, Happy Birthday Mr. Flier.

My take on your question is that with or without you, she's going to watch the show and is going to probably be triggered. The fact that you're not there with her will not stop the trigger(s) from happening. If you want to watch the show, do it. At least you know what's coming and can mentally prepare for the dysregulation. You may want to tell her that you have to "take care of something" immediately after the (each) show so you can conveniently make your exit. Stay away for as long as you think she needs to regulate again.

[formflier]

  Do you want to continue with a pattern of bringing her a treat or doing her some other small service after she has make comments like the ones she made here?  

                 Interesting question:  I do that stuff for a couple of reasons.  1.  I'm an act of service guy and I feel good about doing things like this for those that I care for.  2.  It's a bit of a ruse to "stick my toe" in the water and see how she is.     I have tried going back with nothing and asking "How are you doing" or some other pleasantry and that seems to be taken antagonistically.  I suppose I could go back without anything and ask a totally unrelated question.  "What would you think about trying out that new recipe for dinner tomorrow night?" as a way of "sticking my toe in the water"  Hmmm, KateCat, Where are you going with your train of thought?  Think I am becoming too predictable in how I respond to stuff like this?                  

FF

[KateCat]

  I think predictable is a fine thing! (Or maybe I'm not reading the Lessons here right . . . . )

But if you predictably gift your wife with a small offering each time she insults you, won't this go on forever?

Maybe you're taking the approach that "the girl can't help it." Kind of like these accusations are a Tourette's tic that just happens to target you. And you are not taking it personally and just letting it go. That kind of makes sense to me.

Especially if you have already tried the technique of telling her that you enjoy watching television with her but will need to leave the room if you are accused of infidelity. And repeat a few times.

Have you tried these other boundary-type approaches already?

This can't be easy. Your wife is so fixated on the idea that "all men cheat" that I wonder if she has something in her own past that causes her to need to believe this. Something like shame.

[formflier]

   Have you tried these other boundary-type approaches already?   This can't be easy. Your wife is so fixated on the idea that "all men cheat" that I wonder if she has something in her own past that causes her to need to believe this. Something like shame.    

               She has fessed up to mistakes/cheating in college.  I don't pursue this line of thinking and it hasn't been discussed in years.  My guess is that she doesn't feel she is "worthy" to have a guy that honors her.  I believe her core wound is that her parents put older sister and her twin brother way ahead of her.   And still do.  For instance:  Now that we are moving to be close to her FOO her Mom has made a big deal about changing what is "fair" treatment for grandkids.  Used to be each kid got exactly the same dollar figure for Christmas.    Her Sister has three kids and we have 8.  Now, the new definition of fairness is that each family will get the same $$ amount.  This change was instigated by the older sister who is "dangling" a closer r/s with the mom in from of the mom to get her to change "family policy".  Once the policy has changed, older sister will blacken mom again.  Family policy stays the same, (doesn't get changed back).  Repeat every few months at the whim of the older sister.   Boundary approaches that I have in place aren't really about the TV.  It's about the "kind" of conversations that I will have, or won't have.  I don't do discussions/questions that have presumptions to them.  It's been clearly explained, she clearly has said she doesn't like it and I'm manipulative (etc etc etc), and I hold to the boundary anyway.  Fictional, but you'll get the point.                

FF wife:  "I can't believe you hate my mother so much, tell me why you hate her."   (conversation is over for a good 10-15 minutes)  If she calms and can ask a question I am happy to proceed.  I spend zero energy trying to extricate myself from the "box" she has put me in.  I ignore the box.  Box being that I hate her mother, when I don't feel that way.                

FF wife:  "Can you share with me your feelings about (fill in blank)?"  I'll drop everything and have this conversation right then.  This type of thing does actually happen, so it's not a pipe dream.                

FF

[KateCat]

That makes very good sense. It puts you in control of yourself, and you just have to ride out the random creepy statements from time to time.

[formflier]

That makes very good sense. It puts you in control of yourself, and you just have to ride out the random creepy statements from time to time.  

               Yeah.  I wish those statements could be eliminated, but I suspect that some level of that will always be there.  Heck, I think most of us have said some weird stuff from time to time.  I'm not aware of anything "I have" like that where there is a theme that stretches over years and sometimes decades (depending on how she is framing the claim she is making)                

FF