How do the dynamics work when the third person isn't available for triangulation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex was a flirt. Charming, touchy feely with all women, and some men too.

He very frequently used flirting to triangulate me, and I became jealous - I think this was his intention. It was quite extreme, not just touchy feely - he encouraged the attention and friendship of other women and, despite me, some of them seemed to feel that they were special friends. Not sexual.

One of them, when leaving landline messages, always started with the opening bars of a song they danced to even though she knew we were in a relationship. This really irritated me and when I mentioned it he said he thought it was funny of her. He also expressed admiration for other women and talked a lot about his ex wife and ex partner. Telling me that his ex wife was beautiful and his ex partner very gentle. Again, I think these things were said to provoke a response from me, to undermine me.

What happens when the third corner of the triangle is no longer available? I've been n/c for 9 weeks now and I don't think he's found a replacement. So how do the dynamics work when the third person isn't available for triangulation?

[troisette]

My ex was a flirt. Charming, touchy feely with all women, and some men too.

He very frequently used flirting to triangulate me, and I became jealous - I think this was his intention. It was quite extreme, not just touchy feely - he encouraged the attention and friendship of other women and, despite me, some of them seemed to feel that they were special friends. Not sexual.

One of them, when leaving landline messages, always started with the opening bars of a song they danced to even though she knew we were in a relationship. This really irritated me and when I mentioned it he said he thought it was funny of her. He also expressed admiration for other women and talked a lot about his ex wife and ex partner. Telling me that his ex wife was beautiful and his ex partner very gentle. Again, I think these things were said to provoke a response from me, to undermine me.

What happens when the third corner of the triangle is no longer available? I've been n/c for 9 weeks now and I don't think he's found a replacement. So how do the dynamics work when the third person isn't available for triangulation?

[Skip]

What happens when the third corner of the triangle is no longer available? I've been n/c for 9 weeks now and I don't think he's found a replacement. So how do the dynamics work when the third person isn't available for triangulation?

I can understand your frustration with the presence of other women friends in his life.

Your question assumes that there is a "love triangle" present and asking what happens if one love interest exits? To answer this, it typically forces the person to make a choice.

In the case of the situation you describe where he has girl-friends, its a bit different. I have a girl-friend.  She is outside of my relationship. In this case, the best way a couple handles this is by making the girl-friend to a friend of the relationship. You get to know her. You work out with him what is safe and what is out of bounds.

Taking this on as a love triangle and using the tools for that may not be successful.

Where is this stepping over the line for you.  Writing that out might be a place to start the conversation here.



Skip

PS: I think your use of triangulation is incorrect. This might help:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[troisette]

Thanks for that Skip, I know about the victim, persecutor and rescuer triangle. This was not that.

It was ex triangulating, ie involving a third person, in order to: make me jealous, strengthen his position, form of control? Not sure.

I am interested in what happens when the third person removes themself.

[Joem678]

Troisette,

I think I understand your question.  My wife goes through periods where she cheats and I stick around chasing and stuff.  Now, that she is doing it again, I have decided not to chase her, heal and move on.  But, I think about the same thing.  What happens now that I have removed myself from the equation?  New territory.  Scary at time.

Joem678

[troisette]

No, they were not girlfriends Skip. Or love interests. Perhaps I did not make myself clear.

My ex is a high functioning, charming BPD. He is a sophisticated media man, creative and on the surface, has well-developed people skills. However, these only serve him in superficial, flirty relationships, deeper relationships cause intimacy problems for him.

He thrives on overt female approval (this may be connected with his relationship with his mother) and obtains it by flirting. Sometimes he appeared to be the mascot of his group of friends, this may be linked with his childlike demeanour.

He used female approval and their reciprocal flirtiness to create triangular dynamics with me. Dropping comments about them, their history with him, their social history, what he had done for them, how lovely they were. And also acting it out in social situations.  I commented on it and he said that his former partner and ex wife had also said the same thing. So not an isolated perception on my part. 

I guess that this is some form of ego soother for him. I am interested in how the dynamics change when I'm not available to be made jealous. Because I felt that that also was important to him to provoke jealousy on my part. That that was part of the buzz he achieved.

[Skip]

He used female approval and their reciprocal flirtiness to create triangular dynamics with me.

troisette, the problem with understanding your question is that the term triangulation and triangular dynamics have specific definitions that don't apply here so it is confusing.  It's more than semantics as the term implies and 3 way transaction, which does not appear to not be part of what you are experiencing.

Is this the question:

My ex cultivates flirtatious platonic relationships with women as a way to boost his self esteem and to show off his popularity to others. He frequently talks about other women and makes comparisons to me.  All of this nibbles at my self esteem. I have left the relationship, how will he respond?

If so, he sounds like a very flamboyant personality and all of this sounds like a big part of his identity. And, I assume there has been no inappropriate behavior (you didn't mention any), so he building "friend zone" type of relationships.

When you leave - my guess is very little happens with respect to these standing relationships.

His love life sounds to be separate.

His "style" isn't going to be for everyone.

[troisette]

Joeme: Thank you, yes, that is similar to what I experienced but not with a sexual element.

Skip: You appear to have misunderstood my question and I don't think it's worth pursuing it further here.

[Learning_curve74]

troisette, my exgf is similar to your ex in that she cultivates a lot of shallow relationships, can be very flirtatious, is very childlike wanting to be the life of the party, and all that. Part of it is to alleviate her boredom, to give some meaning to a meaningless life, and to cultivate friends who she can ask favors of.

To be honest, I agree with Skip that probably not much will change. If he enjoys the attention, he can continue it without you as well as finding alternative ways of drumming up excitement and drama to fulfill his needs for them.

Would it make you feel better or worse whichever way he acts now that you've split up?

[Joem678]

In my situation, she seems to suck up the attention and then goes through a lengthy depresseuon.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

I dont understand, you said his wife used to say the same thing about his interactions with women.  So now she is the ex.  So he must just let his partners go and replaces them.  In his mind, you and the ex wife are unfair, and will not let him have the kind of relationships with wemon, and won't let him have all this attention he wants and thinks he deserves.  Hell find a new partner who he's going to be real nice to because in his mind she's perfect and will understand all his needs for attention and odd friendships with wemon.  You guy want different thing's.  He's done this to the ex wife, ex girlfriend, and you because it who he is.  Sorry.  He doesn't see it as a problem.  The only problem is your slow to ask questions on healing, moving on, loving yourself.  I mean, your ex behavior works for him, he sees it as good , and you as bad.  He has no motivation to change.