Talk about their fear of abandonment

[Itstopsnow]

What really bothers me is the fact that we loved and cared for these people and we had no clue (usually) of their condition . Put up with their emotional outbursts, tantrums, and rages. Things would be going great and then they would provoke a fight or look for an obscure negative in any and all things you say. But what bothers me maybe the most besides the pathological lying and serial cheating is one of their core fears is Fear of Abandonment! They feel it daily, wait for it and worry about it, yet they have no problem abandoning us when they want to discard us. They are so calculated in their ways to get a second relationship going before letting us go! That seems like a monster to me. I try to have some sympathy for them, but it's really hard to, but I also remember that most of these people do the same exact pattern of behaviors, it's crazy to read many posts and relate so much to them. That brings me I guess a little reassurance that some of this has to be due to their illness and the nature of their brain wiring. So maybe it's not so super malicious as it is just completely juvenile and utterly selfish and self centered . Does anyone feel this way? Or can give more insight on this .    

[Nextinline]

Just plain evil and totally lacking remorse.

[C.Stein]

Itstopsnow,

I think it is important to not generalize behavior that you saw with your ex to all people who are suffering from BPD.  While there are certainly similar behavioral patterns and traits, not all people that are suffering from BPD are anywhere near as bad as your ex was.   I know my ex wasn't anything close to what some people report here which is why it is exceptionally hard for me to let her go.  I almost wish she was as bad as your ex because then it WOULD be easy to let her go.

[hopealways]

It's more of a fear of engulfment which gives them anxiety, so they push you away, then feel alone and abandoned so they pull you back in.  The push/pull behavior is quite common among the BPD, it is part of their survival mechanism.

[EaglesJuju]

BPD tends to be more impulsive than anything. It's a disorder driven by intense fluctuating emotions.  Unfortunately, their emotions control all aspects of their life and they engage in maladaptive behaviors in order to cope.  That is a huge reason why pwBPD seem so selfish.

I have abandonment fears myself. At times it can be very difficult for me.  Sometimes people who have abandonment fears, have fears of rejection, eg., "I am going to leave you before you leave me."  There are different variations of abandonment fears and levels of intensity. It's like that for all types of behavior, no two people are the same whether they suffer from BPD or do not.