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[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi! I have a young adult daughter that has many traits of BPD. She has been a difficult child to parent from a young age and my husband and I have sought help to parent her and help her the best we could. She has never liked school and her grades could be anything from an A to an F. She has always been dramatic and difficult. It was hard for us to know what was "normal" child/teen stuff and what was not as she could also be lovely and very likable.  She graduated high school, went away to college, was miserable and made us miserable too. She failed all her classes. She moved back home and went to a local college and continued with some good grades and some not so good. She eventually dropped out.

This past year her behavior has escalated. She lies about everything. She started smoking, claims she was cutting herself, cheated on her boyfriend and spends money very irresponsibly while working part-time. She married her long time boyfriend and is now separated.  She will deny that she is doing any of this or that she has done anything wrong.  Everything is always somebody else's fault.  She no longer lives at home even though she cannot afford to support herself.  If we try to talk about anything that is reality it turns ugly.

My husband and I are exhausted from the worry she causes us and tired of being lied to. She won't go to counseling. She takes medicine for anxiety but that is it. Other than that she thinks there is nothing wrong with her. I have been trying to detach and distance myself because she just ends up hurting me. I don't know how to have a relationship with her or interact with her when I know she lies. Everything is superficial and meaningless. I am just heartbroken.  I have tried so hard to be a good mom. I am tired all these years of other moms looking down their noses at me. I feel the blame in their eyes. It hurts. I have no idea what I could have done differently. My hunch is it would not have mattered.

Thanks for listening.

[annz]

Hi! I have a young adult daughter that has many traits of BPD. She has been a difficult child to parent from a young age and my husband and I have sought help to parent her and help her the best we could. She has never liked school and her grades could be anything from an A to an F. She has always been dramatic and difficult. It was hard for us to know what was "normal" child/teen stuff and what was not as she could also be lovely and very likable.  She graduated high school, went away to college, was miserable and made us miserable too. She failed all her classes. She moved back home and went to a local college and continued with some good grades and some not so good. She eventually dropped out.

This past year her behavior has escalated. She lies about everything. She started smoking, claims she was cutting herself, cheated on her boyfriend and spends money very irresponsibly while working part-time. She married her long time boyfriend and is now separated.  She will deny that she is doing any of this or that she has done anything wrong.  Everything is always somebody else's fault.  She no longer lives at home even though she cannot afford to support herself.  If we try to talk about anything that is reality it turns ugly.

My husband and I are exhausted from the worry she causes us and tired of being lied to. She won't go to counseling. She takes medicine for anxiety but that is it. Other than that she thinks there is nothing wrong with her. I have been trying to detach and distance myself because she just ends up hurting me. I don't know how to have a relationship with her or interact with her when I know she lies. Everything is superficial and meaningless. I am just heartbroken.  I have tried so hard to be a good mom. I am tired all these years of other moms looking down their noses at me. I feel the blame in their eyes. It hurts. I have no idea what I could have done differently. My hunch is it would not have mattered.

Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

You came to the right place. Read as much as you can ------>

I and others here know what you are describing. Others here can help you better than I, but I wanted you to know that others are here with you.

[infiniteeyes]

 

Thanks for sharing your story with us. My DD who is now 16 was also, like your daughter, always a challenge to parent. Also very likeable when things are going good with her but can make everyone else around her miserable when she is feeling miserable herself. It is hard work having to stand by and watch your child make mistakes and even more difficult when the realisation comes that they are not learning anything from them as you would hope!

I understand what you are saying about feeling the urge to "detach and distance" yourself. That is a good idea in theory but much harder when are heart strings are pulled. And believe me our daughters know just how to tug on them. So if you figure a way out to do that then please come back her and let me know 

As for other mothers looking down their noses at you I get that too, sometimes Im unsure if they are judging me or just feel sorry for me! As you said little you could have done differently would have made much of a difference. Do try to read up as much as you can on validation and SET for a start, it does help once you get it right.

All the best 

[AVR1962]

From what you have described, I think you have found the right place. I so understand... .trust depends on honesty and with the BPD that is what is lacking. They do not take responsibility for their actions, they only place blame. You are either their price relationship and they old you high or you are NOTHING and all of that might happen in one day! They are users, they do not know how to treat others, they use for their gain. They can sweet and nice when they want something but boy can they bite you in the back.

My BPD daughter is 34, diagnosed twice but does not recognize either diagnosis.

I think all of us ask ourselves what we did wrong, what we can do to make a difference, we want to know how to do things differently so we can help... .we blame ourselves but lady don't do it. I have no doubt you have been the best mom that you could be to your daughter. He issues are about the way she was made and what is inside her.

We can red the books, we can speak to counselors, we can try this or that... .you might find something that works and then you will be flat on your back again (sorry) but that doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

You have to find a way to save your sanity, you have to find your own interests, you have to keep your boundaries and not let yourself be manipulated by the lies. When she goes to family and friends spreading yuck about you that you did not say or do you can let those people know that you did not say these things. Sometimes we cover for our children because we don't want others to know or be involved but the truth is the truth and if she isn't telling it there is no reason for you to old her baggage!

[annz]

Thank you so much for the responses. It's great to hear from those who understand.  I've been reading and learning. I'm not sure my daughter has BPD but it seems like a strong possibility.

[wendalou]

Your story resonates with me... .it is nearly my story.  Right now I'm sitting at a coffee shop near the RTC my daughter is in ~ waiting, hoping that today might be the day she wants to talk with me or see me.  My heart is crushed but my love for my daughter will never decrease.

Thank you for sharing your story. 

Wendalou