She has to go back...

[raytamtay3]

Long story short, I pretty much have confirmation (via eavesdropping while she was on her cell phone), that my DD16 is prostituting.  I have not confronted her about it as I know she is a flight risk.  But I will be contacting her case manager to find out how we can get her back in RTC.  My world is crashing down... .:'(      

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Oh raytamtay3, I am so sorry to hear that.

Are you sure you haven't misunderstood what you overheard? I know I am probably grasping at straws, but if it's at all possible that you misunderstood, then there is hope.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom to pass on to you, but I don't, so I say go with your instinct, mothers usually know.

Good Luck, my heart goes out to you.

[raytamtay3]

I truly wish I did misunderstand Tristeese.  I'll try and keep this brief, but it all started last week with DD calling me at work asking for the account and routing number to her checking account stating that her friend was going to transfer money into her account to give to her other friend for gas. A review of her account that day indicated there was a $1,000 transfer made (I'm on her account since she is under 18).   I called my DD asking for an explanation and she came up with the story that one of her friends got pregnant from some guy that she shouldn't have gotten pregnant by, and the guy in question was transferring the money for an abortion in to DD's account as her friend didn't have an account... .and that the friend was giving DD $200 to do so and that it was "hush money".  ... .DD came home the following day with a numerous bags with Uggs, Victoria's Secret stuff claiming it was from good Black Friday deals; name brand stuff - EXPENSIVE stuff.  When DD was in shower, I checked her purse to find over $500 in there.  Then I heard her on the phone yesterday morning saying how some guy wanted a date and asked how much allowance it would be.  She told her friend on the phone that she told him she doesn't have intercourse on the first date... .I think it's pretty cut and dry don't you?  After finding all the money, I asked DD if she ever gave her friend the money, and she said yes, that same day... .

I know DD isn't PG.  In fact, over the weekend I had to take her to urgent care as she thought she had an infection down there... .yup... .  And I heard her tell her friend that she was freaking out about it and how she and her friend should get checked once a month.  So her new friend is also a prostitute... .

[raytamtay3]

I told my DH I have to talk to him.  I have to tell him.  The only person who knows is my sister and you guys.

[raytamtay3]

I just don't understand it.  My DD has always had an obsession with watching CSI Special Victims (rape).  She knows what can happen! I have to protect her until I can't anymore. It's as clear as the nose on my face.  I'm not sure how they are going to get her to go willingly.  I'm wondering if I can have it set up where they come in and take her because she will run.  I know it for a fact. If she knows I know, she's gone.  What the heck?

I'm gonna have a fricken' nervous breakdown.  I can't take this anymore.

[Eyeamme]

I am so sorry. I just want you to know that you are being heard.

[JustAMum]

As a mum of a 17yr old d I can only offer you a hand of friendship. My heart goes out to you. I can't say that I will never be in the same situation as my d has such liberal views in relation to sex. I don't know if it's a generational thing or not. Hugs

[infiniteeyes]

Oh Dear You really couldnt make this stuff up could you?  

I really dont know what to say only so sorry you are going through this. There is so much that must be going through ur mind right now that it is definately no surprise you are struggling to stay sane.

Have you contacted your case worker. I wonder where your daughter will stand legally as she is underage, but the men she has been "seeing" have a lot to answer for.

All the best I hope things go as well as they can.

[Kate4queen]

I'm so sorry. You have been such an amazingly supportive mother through all this that you must feel devastated.

[mggt]

Dear ray,  I am so sorry how your heart must be breaking sending you hugs and prayers wish their was something more I could do   

[Kwamina]

Hi raytamtay3

This is a horrible thing to find out about your daughter. I am very sorry you are having to deal with this.

Have you talked to your husband about what you've discovered? If so, how did he respond?

Have you been able to discuss it with her case manager?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mimi99]

Risky behavior is par for the course for our BPD children. It is so scary to think of her safety, and heartbreaking that she values herself so little that she would do this. Thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers.

[Honey B]

I don't often post recently Raytamtay but I'm coming out of hiding to say I am sending you all my prayers and best wishes. I hope that the case manager can suggest ways of keeping your daughter safe. You have done everything you possibly can. Please look after yourself. Remember self care and mindfulness. Do some nice things for yourself however small and know that we are all behind you.

[js friend]

My heart truly goes out to you Raytamtay3. :'(

It is so difficult to protect them from themselves. Even though they know all the risks they will still go after the thrill/money. Im so sorry

[jellibeans]

Hey Ray

Well things continue to get interesting with your dd. How old is she now? All I can think of is how dangerous this all is and you must be worried sick. I know there are services that will pick up your dd and take her where ever but do you have a place? Where was she last time?

I am in a different place now with my dd. If she was prosituting herself I would just insist she leave our home. It gets to the point where you have to let go. My dd has drug/alcohol issues it has been hard.

How has she been other than the prosituting? I am wondering if you could report her to the police and have her arrested? I feel that unless there are consequences to her actions she will continue to do what she pleases.

Sending you a big hug... .hang in there. I try to tell myself things will change... .thanks will get better. It isn't always going to be this way. Your dd is young and has time.

[.cup.car]

I would do everything in your power to end this as quickly as possible. Prostitution at 17 is generally frowned upon in our society.

[tristesse]

I think you know your DD best, and if you say she will run, then she probably will. I also agree that you need to protect her until you can't anymore. The situation at hand is a tricky and difficult one, so you are right in trying to think it through and figure out the best way to handle it. Do you believe RTC is the best answer here? I ask because I know how my DD would react to that. She would feel like a throw away, Like I didn't think she was worth the time and effort, and then she would react and respond to those feelings. I am also wondering if there is a way to have dialogue with her about her activities without letting on that you know, just a conversation on prostitution in general. something like you are bringing up an article you read about a  17 year old girl that got caught up somehow,etc. etc. maybe just get her take on it. you could say something like, I don't understand why anybody would devalue themselves enough to sell themselves and their body, it's such a tragic situation. Or, that poor girl is so lucky she hasn't beaten or worse by one of her so called " dates ". You could toss in little comments about how you would hope your own daughter would come to you. Leave that door of communication wide open. Chances are she won't come clean, but she WILL think about.

Know that I am thinking of you, take care.

[raytamtay3]

Last night DD text'd me asking to spend the night at the friend's house saying that the friend's bf (whom she has never mentioned ever before) beat her up.  I told her no and after that, all hell broke lose because I lost it.  In my mind the friend was not beaten up by a bf, but during a trick or something and I ended up calling my DD out on it. She came home and we went at it which resulted in a physical altercation (I was trying to protect myself from her as she was screaming in my face and pushing me around and I went to block a hit and hit her in the face which resulted in her putting me in a headlock and DH said she was punching me in the face too - I don't remember much because we were in the heat of the moment.  But I have scratches and broken blood vessels all on my neck which I'm hiding with a scarf today... .).  The police offered to take her to the hospital, but I've been through this so many times and because she is a minor, it was late at night, I'd be spending the night in a chair in the hospital waiting for a bed to open at a mental health facility where she would have gone for a week again.

I told her I know everything. That I overheard her on the phone and she denied denied denied... .I told her I know what I heard.

I'm not proud that I called her out on it the way I did; I should have waited until she came home and talked to her calmly - but what is done is done and I cannot change it and just learn from it.  But I am also relieved to get it out at the same time.

My mom said she came out of her room around 3:00 am asking my mom, who was up at the time, what happened last night as she said she didn't know what happened.  My DD has blacked out before when in rages which is also scary.

My DH is not happy that I told her I knew. His philosophy is that now that she knows I know, she will just be more sneaky.  Mine is that what good is having this information and keeping it to myself or just saying her away without saying why?

I am trying to contact her CM to try and find out what to do.  One thing that definetly needs to happen is she needs to go to some sort of rehab program or center because I truly believe all this IS because of her drug use. And I now do not believe it is "only" pot.

Why is it that I am the one who feels guilty?

[raytamtay3]

I would do everything in your power to end this as quickly as possible. Prostitution at 17 is generally frowned upon in our society.

Really? I had no idea. Thanks for bringing to that to my attention.

[raytamtay3]

So DD just called me crying asking what happened and saying she was drunk last night. Lie.  I smelled no alcohol on her breath last night (it was drugs as I heard her on the phone to her friend that night saying how she knows she's not gonna remember what happened the next day). I explained the entire night and she was hysterically crying saying how I'm trying to send her back. That I am delusional .  How she wanted to run in front of a truck last night because she is terrified I'm gonna send her back. Said she can't live with me anymore because of the stress and anxiety of it all.  :)amn she's good. She always know just the right things to say to make me feel guilty about sending her away. Although I don't buy it. I mean I buy that she is terrified she's going to have to go back - who wouldn't?  I know that has to be a real concern of hers. What I don't buy is the other manipulation tactics to try and cover up what I heard is going on.

I told her we will talk more later because I am at work, but have decided that I am making it mandatory she goes to drug counseling to remain in our home. So the ball is in her court whether or not she goes back. Thoughts?

MUST    STAY   STRONG

[RunningWithScissors]

Raytamtay3 -

Coming out of lurk mode to give you my support.  I've read your posts for months and I see a pattern of you loving your child, but struggling with the consequences of her actions.  This isn't easy, I know.  I was there myself, a few years back.  I know there's layers upon layers of emotions:  fear, guilt, anger, frustration. 

Might I suggest that you write things down, in order to focus on facts rather than the complicated emotions that inevitably surround highly charged events.  For example, make a list with two columns:  "What my child needed to do in order to stay in my home" and another column "What behaviors/actions she has exhibited".  Ignore the excuses and the explanations and just get to the facts.

I hope this will provide some clarity for your next steps.  The responsibility is hers, not yours... .

Hugs.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Raytamtay3 -

Coming out of lurk mode to give you my support.  I've read your posts for months and I see a pattern of you loving your child, but struggling with the consequences of her actions.  This isn't easy, I know.  I was there myself, a few years back.  I know there's layers upon layers of emotions:  fear, guilt, anger, frustration. 

Might I suggest that you write things down, in order to focus on facts rather than the complicated emotions that inevitably surround highly charged events.  For example, make a list with two columns:  "What my child needed to do in order to stay in my home" and another column "What behaviors/actions she has exhibited".  Ignore the excuses and the explanations and just get to the facts.

I hope this will provide some clarity for your next steps.  The responsibility is hers, not yours... .

Hugs.

Thank you. And an excellent idea.

[raytamtay3]

Now DD is threatening suicide if I even attempt to send her back.  It's just so amazing to me how someone can do this to themselves and still manage to successfully make others feel guilty! Making me feel like I'm the crazy irrational one.

I wanted so desperately to believe she was better. Again, I tried to will it to be.  But it simple is not true.

I have a call in to her CM. I love her so so so much, but she's got to go.  It's my fault for letting her come straight home against everybody's advice and now look. That is where my guilt comes in because now we are straight back to square one because she's my kryptonite.  I need someone to take over and just take her without me being around.

I am not a good parent. I suck.

I will keep you all posted.

[Eyeamme]

You do not suck! You have to do it for her own good and YOUR own good. It isn't a question of your love. That is a given.

[raytamtay3]

You do not suck! You have to do it for her own good and YOUR own good. It isn't a question of your love. That is a given.

 Thank you.

[RunningWithScissors]

Raytamtay3 -

My step-son also threatened suicide multiple times when we called him on his BS and enforced consequences.  My husband, who is a gentle and sweet soul, actually told him that he would be very sorry if the threats were to be carried out, but he was no longer willing to endure the manipulations as it was affecting everyone in the family.  Thankfully, once his bluff was called, my stepson never resorted to that strategy again.  YMMV as you know your child best.  My stepson's story is now transformed... .there's more details on the 'Success' thread at the top of the board.  There is hope, I promise!

Please remember that your child's behavior is not a reflection of your worth.  Do not allow yourself to be influenced by what other people will think.  That burden of guilt is not yours, so put it down and do what needs to be done, in as loving and wise a way as you can. 

Until your daughter runs up against firm boundaries, she will not need to change.  I know all your efforts have been done with the best of intentions and from a place of love.  You are a great Mom!  But now, you have to allow your daughter to find her path, however bumpy and uncomfortable that road may be for her.  It may not be what you had hoped for her, but it is her path.

[infiniteeyes]

Raytamtay

U do not suck at being a mum. A bad parent would turn a blind eye to her daughters behavior. You are doing/have done everything for her. Everything you do comes from love. I think you are correct in your thinking that right now you need to hand the reins over to somebody else. You have exhausted all avenues and is nothing more you can do. Your DD is in denial and using drugs. That's a brick wall right there.

I hope and pray that somehow your DD will be given a chance and I know that you will be right behind her to support her as you always are.

All the best and please take care of yourself 

[raytamtay3]

I talked to her CM and he feels she needs to go back into an RTC. He is going to talk to his supervisor about options and he, my DH and I are going to meet someplace next week to discuss.  I told him how DD said the other day if she even remotely thinks she's going to put away again for me to say my goodbyes that she will kill herself, so she cannot know what's going on.  He agreed.  I also said that she will need to be physically removed from the house as she will never go willingly.  He said that is something that can be arranged.  He also said things need to happen fast because she is a danger to me which is evidenced by her attack the other night.  I apologized for being so weak and not heeding his warnings that she should not have come directly home after the RTC.  I apologized for not following through on what I said I was going to do about rehab.  He said he does not feel that a rehab facility would help DD; that she would manipulate her way around it.  I agreed.  :'(

[lbjnltx]

Ray, I'm so very sorry to read what has happened with your daughter.  This is heart wrenching and I can only imagine how crushed you feel. 

Using a transport service isn't what any parent would want to do, and they exist for a reason... .to get kids into treatment who refuse to go.  The choice to do this is a direct result of your daughter's threats of suicide.  She has mandated that a transport service be used.  Work on letting go of any guilt you feel for RTC placement and using a transport service.  These are acts of love filled with selflessness.  That you are willing to suffer through it for your daughter's sake shows it to be so.

What options for RTC are available for your daughter?  Is it wide open or are you limited to certain facilities? 

Choosing a facility with heavy parental involvement is highly recommended in order to mend your relationship while getting her the help she needs.

[raytamtay3]

Ray, I'm so very sorry to read what has happened with your daughter.  This is heart wrenching and I can only imagine how crushed you feel.  

Using a transport service isn't what any parent would want to do, and they exist for a reason... .to get kids into treatment who refuse to go.  The choice to do this is a direct result of your daughter's threats of suicide.  She has mandated that a transport service be used.  Work on letting go of any guilt you feel for RTC placement and using a transport service.  These are acts of love filled with selflessness.  That you are willing to suffer through it for your daughter's sake shows it to be so.

What options for RTC are available for your daughter?  Is it wide open or are you limited to certain facilities?  

Choosing a facility with heavy parental involvement is highly recommended in order to mend your relationship while getting her the help she needs.

Thanks for your kind words.  I really liked the last facility she was in and am leaning towards her going back there.  She build a report with all of the staff there and they really looked out for her and had her best interest at heart.  I think she would feel better going back to someplace familiar too rather than starting all over again at someplace new.  It's far (over an hour drive - which as I've read here is nothing compared to other facilities).  Parental involvement is strong as there are treatment plan meeting once a month, family counseling one a month and the kids earn priviledges through a merit system such as off grounds visits, home passes, etc.  

The last three months of her stay there is when she was finally following all of the rules there and that's when I thought (hoped) she was reformed and allowed her to come straight home, even against the advice of her therapist due to the last home pass she had prior to her discharge date that had been set before it.

Like I said, I did not help matters.  I take responsibility for my part. I chose not to demand she get drug tested the day school suspected she was on something. I chose to allow her to drop out for this GED program.  I chose to turn a blind eye to what I thought was "just" a marijuana problem.  But DD needs to take responsibility for hers too.  I am no longer allowing myself (today - at this very moment anyway) to take on the guilt for something that she has done to herself.  She had the opportunity to come home and live the "normal teenage life" that she wanted. She chose to put herself in the situation where she has to go back out of home.  Yes she did make some progress. But she is not fully capable of keeping herself out of harms way with the risky behaviors that she still chooses to do.

I now chose to put her back to protect her from herself again and I'm ready to deal with that guilt rather the highly potential guilt of getting a knock at my door that they found my beautiful little girl murdered, raped, beaten, etc. knowing that I did nothing to stop it... .