BPDm Ramping Up...Step mom wearing down...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Got a 57 page declaration today, we are going back to court in a week. BPDm is ramping up for it.

It's 57 pages of ridiculous lies and false accusations. Some is just clear out of left field (like I am teaching my SD7 to purge ), some is distortions of a minor truth (like when SD slammed finger in car door, bravhart "did it" out of anger, which is true she did slam her finger in door, but I was on other side of the car, at her therapist appt when it happened,  I kind of think SD7 would have mentioned it to therapist if I had slammed it in car on purpose two minutes before we went inside)

It's all stupid stuff I know, but its still SO hard to read. I just hope that the court mediator "gets it". Her entire declaration reads like a text book example of how to project all your stuff and try to make it look like their stuff instead.

God please let the mediator get it. :'(

The part I need your kind words of advice for is this: Why do I care? 

Why do I let this get to me?

When she writes that I'm hateful and mean to SD7 and that I abuse her, I know I don't. I know I am actually very good to her. I am probably the most patient and kind grown up in her life. Her mother is not right in the head. Why do I care that she says this stuff? Do I worry someone will think it's true? Do I feel bad because I think her mom should be grateful for having such a good stepmother to her child, in spite of the fact that she (BPDm) makes life  so difficult that she's in essense ruining our lives?

It's probably one of the hardest things to have someone out there saying and writing things down about you that are for one thing awful, and for another quite untrue. It's not something I've ever had to deal with before. At least not to this degree, it's pretty gruesome stuff.

And the horrible things she says about my own daughters. It's heartbreaking. She writes about them being anorexic, abusive, slutty and toxic to SD7. Nothing could be further from the truth. It makes me so sad to know that at her mothers house that SD7 is now also being told to hate them too. BPDm knows no boundries.

When will my skin toughen up? Or is having tough skin worse? Does it mean it has finally changed and hardened me?

I''m trying to keep it in perspective, but there moments when I just almost can't believe this is my life. This horrible woman just gets to say and do these things, she drains us financially, emotionally. How is this any way to live?

[bravhart1]

Got a 57 page declaration today, we are going back to court in a week. BPDm is ramping up for it.

It's 57 pages of ridiculous lies and false accusations. Some is just clear out of left field (like I am teaching my SD7 to purge ), some is distortions of a minor truth (like when SD slammed finger in car door, bravhart "did it" out of anger, which is true she did slam her finger in door, but I was on other side of the car, at her therapist appt when it happened,  I kind of think SD7 would have mentioned it to therapist if I had slammed it in car on purpose two minutes before we went inside)

It's all stupid stuff I know, but its still SO hard to read. I just hope that the court mediator "gets it". Her entire declaration reads like a text book example of how to project all your stuff and try to make it look like their stuff instead.

God please let the mediator get it. :'(

The part I need your kind words of advice for is this: Why do I care? 

Why do I let this get to me?

When she writes that I'm hateful and mean to SD7 and that I abuse her, I know I don't. I know I am actually very good to her. I am probably the most patient and kind grown up in her life. Her mother is not right in the head. Why do I care that she says this stuff? Do I worry someone will think it's true? Do I feel bad because I think her mom should be grateful for having such a good stepmother to her child, in spite of the fact that she (BPDm) makes life  so difficult that she's in essense ruining our lives?

It's probably one of the hardest things to have someone out there saying and writing things down about you that are for one thing awful, and for another quite untrue. It's not something I've ever had to deal with before. At least not to this degree, it's pretty gruesome stuff.

And the horrible things she says about my own daughters. It's heartbreaking. She writes about them being anorexic, abusive, slutty and toxic to SD7. Nothing could be further from the truth. It makes me so sad to know that at her mothers house that SD7 is now also being told to hate them too. BPDm knows no boundries.

When will my skin toughen up? Or is having tough skin worse? Does it mean it has finally changed and hardened me?

I''m trying to keep it in perspective, but there moments when I just almost can't believe this is my life. This horrible woman just gets to say and do these things, she drains us financially, emotionally. How is this any way to live?

[enlighten me]

Hi Bravehart

Im sorry your going through this and have had to endue it for so long.

For me I think the horrible things my ex said about me hurt so much because it made me doubt myself. I know you wouldn't slam your sd fingers in the car but the other things have probably made you doubt yourself. When we hear things enough part of you thinks could it be true? This is perfectly normal. The reality is the facts don't match up with the fiction and this is confusing. Normal healthy thinking is what we are used to dealing with so this twisted thinking doesn't add up and we try and rationalise it. I don't think it matters how unrealistic the thing is it can still affect us. Im 6' 1" if someone told me I was short I would laugh it off. If they kept on saying this then it would make me think "am I short". If Im not short then why would they say it. This could be part of what you are feeling if that makes sense.

What I would concentrate on is how to reply to these accusations. This could be a very good thing for you and your husband as she has gone to the extreme with the declaration.

Pick it apart and start with the obvious and easy to prove points. Take your daughters to the doctors and have them checked so you can show they are healthy and not anorexic. Get school notes showing that they are good pupils and well behaved.

Work your way through and concentrate on the ones that you can easily prove and ignore the ones that are her word against yours. I got caught up in the her word against mine with my ex wife and all it did was cloud things and make me look petty. It descended into a schoolyard "you did", "no you did" kind of argument that did me no favours.

Your doing a great job and your husband is lucky to have your support.

[bravhart1]

thanks enlighten.

I was feeling pretty down after reading that declaration last night, its so harsh and mean spirited. I just can't imagine writing things like that down about anyone, but about your childs parent? its unconscionable.

You are right that we just need to deal with the stuff we can "prove" is a lie and let the rest go.

I can't "prove" i didn't rob a bank yesterday, but it seems rather far fetched to just lob out a accusation that I did. That is basically what her whole declaration is made up of, ridiculous and far reaching accusations. I hope the mediator sees it for what it is.

I'm a big girl, but it still hurts my feelings. I hate that... .

[Thunderstruck]

I totally get it. Our uBPDbm does the same thing. It's the most frustrating when she projects all the things that SHE is doing onto us.

Of course you care! I would care too! That's why she's doing it, because she wants to get under your skin. She is lashing out because she's afraid and doesn't feel in control of the situation (imho). She doesn't want her flaws exposed, so she is on a smear campaign to make you guys look much worse than her.

I have laid in bed more times than I can count, trying to figure out why uBPDbm would say or do some of he things that she does. It is so toxic and chaotic and frustrating. Every time DH and I come to the same conclusion: She says and does these things because she is not well. It's not anything that we're doing. We're doing everything right. It's a disorder that she developed and that is ruining her life much more than ours.

And if there's one thing that we've found, is that uBPDbm can say whatever she wants... .her actions (and ours) speak far louder than her words. Everyone has noticed. If you keep crying wolf, people are going to stop responding.

Actually, now that I think about the projection... .Does BPDmom have food issues? Could she be projecting her own issues onto you? I might worry about that. Our uBPDbm has been dealing with eating disorders her whole life and SD10 picked up on some of the bad thinking for awhile.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife went through a stage of bulimia according to my sons. She would be sick after eating. She has always yo yo dieted and has an unstable image of self. My sons used to be very skinny and it was made worse by my ex wife telling them they were getting fat. When they came to live with me they stuffed themselves and piled the weight on. They actually got overweight but I thought I would let it play out as they were making up for being denied food. They have cut down to a healthy level now and have returned to a healthy weight for their age and size. They keep on bringing up how their mum made them feel fat.

[livednlearned]

The part I need your kind words of advice for is this: Why do I care? 

Why do I let this get to me?

Is it possible to not care when someone maligns us?  :'( You are human, you feel, and you are affected -- deeply affected -- because you are doing the opposite of what is being said. You're caring. It must feel so unfair.

Sometimes we care in ways where our cup empties, and everything feels harder because we aren't in a good place. Are you taking care of yourself in a way that makes sure you matter? In BPD relationships, it's a slippery slope to enmeshment, and even (maybe especially?) as a secondary non that can tug on you in insidious ways.

Did you feel you had the option to not read the declaration? Do you feel you can communicate to DH that you need to divest yourself from some co-parenting activities so that you can be there for him during big things like mediation?

[david]

57 pages of bs is a lot and probably will help in court to show the judge where the problem lies.

My ex sent a very large pile of papers in our equitable distribution. She claimed we had assets worth 1.2 million dollars and that I stole them all. She hand wrote, if I remember correctly, four pages itemizing things. I just happened to have pictures in her apartment of around 60 % of the items she listed. The wonders of the internet. Ex attacked me several times in the conference. I stared at the wall in front of me, wish they had something to look at, and let my atty handle it. Her atty started to attack me too and that was when my atty put a stop to it. Finally my atty showed her atty two or three pictures with notes that showed it was on her clients list. Her atty took ex out of the room and we settled in 10 or 15 minutes. I was impressed how ex was able to convince her atty I was the monster she portrayed me as. Once the pictures came out her atty had a major change of heart towards me.

It does get tiring trying to deal with it rationally. Once I stopped doing that and understood that the things my ex will continue to do will not make any sense to me or any other rational person. I learned to not take it personally. It does take practice. It took me around three years to get to that point. I now ignore most of what she sends in emails. I don't react. I still get false allegations but they are less frequent. She left in 2007 so it has been a while.