Parenting a son with BPD

[Daisyduke]

Hi I'm not sure where to begin,but I'm going to give it a go because I don't know what else to do anymore?

We have a 25 year old son who has been diagnosed with BPD amongst other disorders,he also has a learning disability.

We have struggled since he was born with issues and as a family we have never been provided the support he needs.

Life became worse on August 13 2014 as we found him unconscious after taking massive overdose. It was touch and go for weeks as his liver was failing but he came through but has been left with a physical disability as they think he had a seizure and dislocated and fractured both his shoulders.

Due to the delay in operating because of his liver he now has no use in his right arm and a brachial plexus injury which has left him with full ulnar palsy causing a ulnar claw in his hand,his shoulder also has necrosis in the joint.

In January this year he was sectioned and in a psychiatric ward for 6 months where he was finally diagnosed with BPD following years of Bipolar,Psychosis diagnosis.

He was discharged and we have been trying to cope since.

He was unable to return to his own home as he has suffered PTS and flashbacks since. We managed to rent him a new home only 5 doors away from ours and have just completed all the alterations and he is supported 4 nights a week with carers. He has been having DBT therapy but is finding it very hard.Once again we thought things were doing ok but on Monday he said he felt as bad as when he was on the Psych ward,we were shocked and devastated

Following an urgent appointment at home with the psych they're again looking at a residential unit,we are devastated! I have read Valerie's book "overcoming BPD, a family guide"

Our hearts are falling apart, we feel totally isolated and unable to do anything,we are helpless, what is next, what can we do,are we expecting too much of him?

Please please help we have nobody to talk to and are at breaking point yet again,help us to prevent our son being taken away again?

Are we so wrong in trying to help him live as independently as possible?

Are we expecting way too much?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Suzn]

Hello Daisyduke

Welcome to bpdfamily. I'm sorry about everything you've been going through with your son. It's scary and painful when our loved ones are in distress. 

You are in the right place for support. The members here all understand what you've been up against and are all supportive.

Are you in touch with his therapist? Do you have resources available to help him with the suicidal ideation such as a suicide hotline number for him to call?

I'm glad you found us. Looking forward to hearing more of your story. 

[Daisyduke]

My son is on a section 3 and following a meeting today the psych is pushing for residential living despite the fact that our son wants to return to his own home.

He has a mild learning disability but the place they were looking at deals with LD and mental health they have said he isn't suitable for their place as his mental health is the priority.

He is under the care of a LD team at social services and his advocate today has said that she feels that it is his mental health not the LD thats the problem. We are wondering whether we can request he is seen by a normal Psychiatrist not an LD one as we feel that they maybe more able to deal with his care. The LD psych tends to waffle at him and we are wondering whether we have all reached the end of the line with him?

He is also addicted to opiates which need withdrawing but he seems to have an agenda at the minute to place our son in res care and he is pretty much refusing him returning to his own home either on a community treatment order or with the section 3 in place?

Can you help with any advise and what our options are please? Our son is broken hearted today and is struggling there seems to be this agenda and despite giving him 3 options 1 12 weeks in hospital to withdraw opiates

2 return to his home with support and comply to treatment and therapy

3 residential care which they want to look at 2years?

Our son said he will remain in hospital to come off the opiates but then he wants to come home, he then said that's not the right plan and he can make him go where he says?

Please please help we are lost and alone?

[livednlearned]

Hi Daisyduke,

Your son is in a lot of pain  :'( and I can understand the desire to have him close to you where you can check in on him and keep an eye on him. Do you have legal guardianship over him?

It sounds like you feel the LD specialist may not have the training to accurately diagnose and come up with a treatment plan? Second opinions can be very helpful. Often, these situations can be so complex that even specialists are challenged to know how to approach them. The LD may even appreciate having someone else to talk through treatment with.

Your son has a lot going on: opiate withdrawal, BPD, LD, and physical issues. He has expressed distress recently, and that may possibly be a reaction to the idea of living independently, despite his desire to do so. Even young adults without these challenges can find independent living hard.

Are you feeling torn because the specialists are recommending one thing while your son wants another?

We're here for you, Daisyduke. It's hard what you're going through right now, and maybe we can help you put together a strategy so you can learn as much as you can about how things work with the facility and the options presented to you. Often, there is much more room for effective advocacy when we understand how the system works, tho that can take some time to figure out.



LnL

[Calm Waters]

Hi Daisyduke, this sounds incredibly hard for you and your son and I have been dealing with similar issues with my older son who after a suicide attempt a year ago is still coming to terms with the damage he has done to himself. I can hear and feel your pain for your son but the only hard won advice I can give you is to look after yourself and your relationship as well. The demands of a situation like this are almost intolerable but if you don't look after yourself you can't help anyone else. It may sound absurd but somehow you have to give yourself some respite so you can continue to keep meeting the challenges of battling the system and advocating for your son. Its different here in the UK we have a national health service that despite the strain it is under is available at no cost. I can't begin to imagine the extra financial pressures you may also be facing. But as Livnleraned says we are here for you and we hope it helps to express what you are experiencing and gain some support - Calm