Want Your Opinion on What BPDm Did

[bravhart1]

I guess all kids are different, and cope with it differently. I read about like what sanemom is going through and I hope to myself that SD7 never loses her ability to see her mom realistically. And yet part of me wonders if kids sometimes "lose" their mom vision when it gets too painful.

Did your son stay aware of moms proclivity for lies?

[enlighten me]

My boys now live with me as they had enough of her lies and contradictory behaviour.

Its caused a few problems especially with my eldest as he can be quick to lie. He's slowly learning that he doesn't have to lie and that if he is caught then I am more upset than by what he is covering up.

Theyre getting there though and are both so much happier and relaxed. Theres not a day goes by even after six months with me when something new doesn't come out about their mum and stepdads behaviour. I truly feel for you SD as she will be hurting from her split allegiances. She probably wants nothing more than to be able to live with you and her dad but is guilty that she is letting mum down.

[Nope]

I think some of it is an age thing for the kids and some of it depends on how well the BPD can hold it together for the amount of time they have the child. It doesn't sound like the BPD mom is holding it together very well if she's being that abusive when she has her daughter. Sounds like for awhile SD7 thought she would get to see more of ":)isney mom" or get the loving mom back if she just did every little thing mom wanted but now she sees that it doesn't matter what she does her mom won't go back to being the loving mom. Also from what I've seen there may come a time in her tween years where she suddenly stops "getting it" again. It's an age where children desperately need their mom's and also an age where they begin to socially mature in a way that makes them feel very uncomfortable with the idea of having a messed up parent. So it's likely to be a roller coaster throughout childhood.

[enlighten me]

I think some of it is an age thing for the kids and some of it depends on how well the BPD can hold it together for the amount of time they have the child. It doesn't sound like the BPD mom is holding it together very well if she's being that abusive when she has her daughter. Sounds like for awhile SD7 thought she would get to see more of ":)isney mom" or get the loving mom back if she just did every little thing mom wanted but now she sees that it doesn't matter what she does her mom won't go back to being the loving mom. Also from what I've seen there may come a time in her tween years where she suddenly stops "getting it" again. It's an age where children desperately need their mom's and also an age where they begin to socially mature in a way that makes them feel very uncomfortable with the idea of having a messed up parent. So it's likely to be a roller coaster throughout childhood.

I think when children reach their teens and become more independent then it can trigger abandonment fears in the pwBPD. Im not looking forward to when my exgfs older children start having their own lives as I think for her it will be very triggering.

[sanemom]

bravhart,

Have you had mediation yet?

I was thinking in terms of understanding their BPD parent lies--my teens keep saying "everyone lies in a custody battle"--which I am 99% sure is from BPD mom saying that to defend herself.

The problem is the boys believe it pertains to DH, too.

Please update us on what happened when you can!

[bravhart1]

Lies only come from our side according to BPDm

Yes we had mediation. Results should be here Friday. Ironically if it says BPDm has to be supervised it won't go into effect until after Jan 1, so after report comes back for supervised, then mom gets unsupervised Christmas vacation. What kind of mess is she going to be planting in SD's head?

We are very worried that mediator might feel bad about separating mom and child, Christmas time and all that, not a job I envy, but we made it clear that we all see it the same way. Dad, teacher, therapist, daycare all agree, we can't save them both, we have to try to get SD out of this cycle if she is to have any chance of not becoming just like her mom, she is already showing alarming signs of trouble.

DH and I have already decided that if the court does not protect this child then we have done all we can do. We will just do our best when she is with us, and let the rest go. We are broke and exhausted. Our entire family has suffered much more than they should have over BPDm's drama, antics, and accusations. She has drug my children into this and it's been very damaging.

It appears that BPDm also read her entire 57 page declaration to SD.  What ever would possess a mother to read her seven year old ( who has been identified recently  by T as being stressed to the point of breaking)  a 57 page letter of false accusations, outright lies and horrific insults about me and my children?

She has no judgement, she has been warned not to discuss any court cases with SD and now she is not only discussing it but reading all the motions, and having SD write her own contributions to it. It's very sad. I hope we get a break, we need some peace. I'm turning this over to a higher power and letting go.

[livednlearned]

What ever would possess a mother to read her seven year old ( who has been identified recently  by T as being stressed to the point of breaking)  a 57 page letter of false accusations, outright lies and horrific insults about me and my children?

She sees her child as an extension of herself -- there are no boundaries between the two of them in her mind. A lot of her behaviors are driven by this inability to see the difference between herself and others, especially her child, and that makes issues related to SD particularly intense. Biomom did not individuate as a child, and she cannot do it as an adult. It's not even a reality she once had and lost -- she never experienced it, period.

She is driven so completely by need and fear and anxiety, and no small amount of desperation, to offset the emptiness she feels and the horror that she might be rejected or abandoned by a child she sees as inseparable from herself. Feelings equal facts, so to her, the 57-page letter is a factual account that explains the behaviors she cannot take responsibility for.

Not an excuse for her behavior, of course. Just an attempt to explain that there is a reasoning there, it's just corrupted by mental illness.

[bravhart1]

She's had a therapist trying to get her to own any part of this very difficult situation and she can't/ won't take responsibility for even the most microscopic thing. The therapist has been at wits end. She appears to actually go out of her way now to discount Her T and SD T. It's all a big conspiracy