Decision Making Advice

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

SD starts high school next year. Parents live in different districts and court order states: parents must agree to which school, if they cannot agree they can attempt mediation or file a motion.

On paper both schools are very close in terms of testing, graduation, college readiness scores and both have pros and cons when it comes to the social stuff. We have done research, arranged shadowing at both places, talked to teachers and counselors to learn as much as we can. Mom hasn't done anything except say her district is superior, and continue to tell SD that she is going to her district and she isn't sure why dad is doing all this stuff and he is wasting his time. SD hasn't expressed a strong desire for either school. A few more of her friends are going in her mom's district, but if I'm being honest she doesn't have that many friends; at least friends that she hangs out with outside of school.

We want to do what is best for SD but how do you make that choice when both options are so close? Not sure it is fair/appropriate to give SD the choice, which is what uBPD mom suggests. We don't want our reasons to be based on things that make it easier on us. I have other reasons why I think it would be better for SD to be in our district but I would love to hear what the collective advice here is.   

[Swiggle]

SD starts high school next year. Parents live in different districts and court order states: parents must agree to which school, if they cannot agree they can attempt mediation or file a motion.

On paper both schools are very close in terms of testing, graduation, college readiness scores and both have pros and cons when it comes to the social stuff. We have done research, arranged shadowing at both places, talked to teachers and counselors to learn as much as we can. Mom hasn't done anything except say her district is superior, and continue to tell SD that she is going to her district and she isn't sure why dad is doing all this stuff and he is wasting his time. SD hasn't expressed a strong desire for either school. A few more of her friends are going in her mom's district, but if I'm being honest she doesn't have that many friends; at least friends that she hangs out with outside of school.

We want to do what is best for SD but how do you make that choice when both options are so close? Not sure it is fair/appropriate to give SD the choice, which is what uBPD mom suggests. We don't want our reasons to be based on things that make it easier on us. I have other reasons why I think it would be better for SD to be in our district but I would love to hear what the collective advice here is.   

[DreamGirl]

I'd be OK with letting a high school aged child have a say in which school she goes to.

I'd present her with all your information and plead the case based on what you've found so far.   

It also is such an ever changing situation. My son wanted to go to his old high school when he got his driver's license. Once that time came, he had made a whole slew of new friends AND a girlfriend, so changing schools wasn't even a consideration anymore.

It's also tough when mom unilaterally makes a decision. You might want to figure out how to sell it to her as well if SD and Dad decide your district is the better district (i.e. transportation, extra-curricular activities, etc.)

For me, if both schools are fine, I'd probably take the path of least resistance.

[ForeverDad]

With 50/50 parenting, does that mean the parent in the other school district does a lot of driving to/from whichever school SD attends?  If so, then you can try your best to have it be your school.  If the schools are that similar, you and your spouse may have to advocate yourselves as having the more stable home, helping more with schoolwork and school activities, etc.  Odds are that then SD may end up at your home more than 50% of the time?

As DreamGirl noted, whichever high school SD starts attending, she may not want to change later.  So this may be your one good shot now to make a change work.

Leverage to use with SD's mother might include who will help provide or maintain a vehicle for SD when she starts driving.  If she wants to drive and mother says she wants her to stay in her district, would it work to say, "Okay, then you help her get a car, pay insurance, pay repairs, pay misc expenses, etc... ."?

[Swiggle]

Dreamgirl, we have asked SD advice on the school but she hasn't had a strong preference either way. I think one thing that would sway her is that she doesn't want the backlash from mom if she chose our district. With that at play we hesitate to give her the choice since she wouldn't be making it for the right reasons.

ForeverDad - you are correct whatever district is decided, the other parent will have to do the driving in order to pick up. The school she attends now is private, when she is with us (W-Th, every other F) she rides the bus to our house with her brother and we pay her to watch him until we get home around 5. When it is their mom's time, their grandparents pick them up from school and they spend their time there. They could ride the bus to mom's house but she doesn't want them in the house when she or her affair partner, now fiancé aren't home. SD13 doesn't even have a way to get in the house should she need to.

[Thunderstruck]

Dreamgirl, we have asked SD advice on the school but she hasn't had a strong preference either way. I think one thing that would sway her is that she doesn't want the backlash from mom if she chose our district. With that at play we hesitate to give her the choice since she wouldn't be making it for the right reasons.

ForeverDad - you are correct whatever district is decided, the other parent will have to do the driving in order to pick up. The school she attends now is private, when she is with us (W-Th, every other F) she rides the bus to our house with her brother and we pay her to watch him until we get home around 5. When it is their mom's time, their grandparents pick them up from school and they spend their time there. They could ride the bus to mom's house but she doesn't want them in the house when she or her affair partner, now fiancé aren't home. SD13 doesn't even have a way to get in the house should she need to.

So what would be the plan after school if she went to mom's HS? What would she do until you guys got off work? And who would watch her brother? Since mom already has after care all situated, it really sounds like the HS in your district is a better choice in that regards.

I would let her have a say in the decision without it being "her decision". That way it should avoid the backlash. No matter what, it sounds like if you wanted it to be in your district then you'd have to get something through the courts about it.

Do you think there are any things (like ForeverDad posted about throwing in the car expenses) that you could utilize to sway mom's decision? Like "Ok, we can use your district if you cover the cost of aftercare/transportation/whatever for daughter and her brother"? I know that if it meant that our uBPDbm would have to spend money, she would do anything to avoid that.

[livednlearned]

I'm with DG on this. I would take the path of least resistance -- especially if all else is equal, including SD not having any particular preference. Four years is a long time to have her mom wind up about a "loss" over something that has no obvious advantage.

If there are advantages/disadvantages that you need to consider, like how things will work with SD's sibling or getting home after school, etc. that's important to consider.

If things really are the same in terms of pros/cons, is your concern that biomom "winning" will in some way cause a problem for you?

I have a pretty narcissistic ex and when he "won," it did make me roll my eyes and I had to stomach the gloating and smugness. In the end though, he was just as likely to act this way whether he was winning or not. I don't think winning necessarily made him worse; in fact, I think his narcissism was worse when he was feeling threatened.

[Swiggle]

Lots of good info. At this point while mom winning makes me   I'm not bothered by it enough to try to fight just to fight... .if that makes sense.

The path of least resistance in terms of what involve uBPDmom, is saying... ."fine SD if you aren't going to give any indication of what you really/truly want, then we are going to go with what your mom wants and that is her district" While this is the path of least resistance for DH and I now, it creates issues that I foresee down the road. Those issues come partly with transportation.

When it is mom's time (M-T, EO- F) the kids will either go to mom's if she allows them or grandparents will pick them up and take them to their house. When it is our time (W-Th, EO-F) the kids will have to either ride the bus to mom's (if allowed) or grandparents would have to agree to pick them up and take them to their house. Either option we would have to pick the kids up from there. If grandparents or mom get a bug up there a$$ at any point then not sure how that would work because there is no way Dh or I could get the kids everyday in the middle of the day. I work 45 min from home and DH is the manager where he works. Not to mention, grandparents house is just as toxic as mom. According to the kids it is where much of the badmouthing and bashing of dad and I happens... I'm truly flabbergasted by some of the things they tell us that the family says/talks about in front of the kids (but that is another issue).

Using things like car, insurance and such with mom as leverage wouldn't do any good. She would either say fine (her biodad and biomom) have money and typically are the ones that pay for things involving the kids. They were the ones paying the school tuition at one point. Or she would turn it around and expect the same in return if SD ended up in our district.

I personally think that with all things being equal with the schools, and SD not showing a preference she would be better off in our district. We are more involved with school stuff than uBPDmom, transportation would be easier for her in our district (she enjoys coming home to our house after school when it is our time and wishes she could do it all the time), uBPDmom has blocked things regarding school activites, told SD to not tell her dad about a major school function, and tends to withhold info. from dad. UBPDmom has less chance of doing that if SD is in our district. There of course is also fear that if in mom's district that the 50/50 time starts to get less and less. With all that I wonder if it isn't time to ask for more, seeing as the coparenting has been a challenge since day one and the kids are continually put in the middle.

 

[DreamGirl]

it creates issues that I foresee down the road.

So make the agreement contingent on the fact that kiddos go to their house everyday and you'll pick them up from there.

We actually moved to her district to make our life easier.

The kids come to our house every day after school. They used to go to her house everyday.

I seriously can not tell you the last time I actually laid eyes on their mama at my house.

You have to pick your battles in this. And make it worth it. If mama is busy/lazy/uninterested and wants to make her life easy --- well, then so be it. A lot of people would prefer that they not have to drive half way across town to pick up their kids.

She expects you to conform to her thoughts. You expect her to conform to yours.

As the better equipped side of the negotiations, we have to bring to the table a situation where everyone walks away feeling like they've won.

In our situation, we saved in child care by having them come to our house and so... .the hubs offered part of that to her in child support.  She received more money and we didn't ever have to worry about all the things you are concerned about (i.e. more time with toxic people).

You just have to figure out a way to present it so that she benefits too.

[ForeverDad]

SD not showing a preference

  does not match

We are more involved with school stuff than uBPDmom, transportation would be easier for her in our district (she enjoys coming home to our house after school when it is our time and wishes she could do it all the time), uBPDmom has blocked things regarding school activities, told SD to not tell her dad about a major school function, and tends to withhold info. from dad. UBPDmom has less chance of doing that if SD is in our district.

So my guess is that she's trying not to be in the middle?  Or she really doesn't care which school (as long as she rides the bus to your house more regularly).  She knows she would like your home as her base of operations but doesn't want to declare it.  I recall my court's parenting guideline stated that children in high school won't do as well split between two homes, best to have one home base and grow their peer relationships and activities.

Yes, a real risk:

There of course is also fear that if in mom's district that the 50/50 time starts to get less and less.