I can't do this...

[Eyeamme]

I can't do this. I don't have a choice but I just want this pain to go away. I feel like it never will.

It is bringing up such painful stuff about my own childhood. Why is this happening?

Sorry I am rambling.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hopeful_Mom]

I hear you. So much trauma growing up; now get to experience it all over again.

 :'(

[Eyeamme]

Right? I am such a happy person other than this. This has brought me to my knees. It was soo much easier thinking that it was me.

[Eyeamme]

Wow. I don't know how to let this out other than here. I am having overwhelming feelings about my childhood. Things that I just this minute realized. Like a lightbulb over my head. So many things flashing in my head. How did this all come up with trying to deal with the loss of my BPD daughter and grandkids? This is now a double whammy... .

[Eyeamme]

I guess I will just answer myself (no one here?)

You always have to go through it. There is no use in running anymore. I will go through it and be stronger. Maybe BPD daughter did me a favor by making me look at me. It is so scary here alone.

[raytamtay3]

Hi Eye. I just wanted to let you know you are being heard and you will get through this one day at a time.

[Eyeamme]

Thank you. I feel so stupid and whiny.

[raytamtay3]

You are not stupid or winy.  You are struggling right now and you have every right to feel the way you do.  Just remember that this too shall pass. You are stronger than you know. I've been going through some stuff lately and I apologize that I don't your whole story, but by the sounds of it, you had a troubling childhood and now are faced with a child with similar struggles.  It also sounds like while you are struggling now, you came out on the other side.  So you are stronger than you realize.  Everything will be ok. 

Close you eyes, take a deep breath through your nose until your lungs are completely filled, and exhale through you mouth and all your breath is gone.  Picture your exhales as all of your worries and struggles being removed from your body.  I learned this technique from one of the therapists that use to come to the house for my DD. It has really helped me during stressful times.  I hope it helps you too.   

[Eyeamme]

Thank you thank you.

[Kwamina]

Hi Eyeamme

Wow. I don't know how to let this out other than here. I am having overwhelming feelings about my childhood. Things that I just this minute realized. Like a lightbulb over my head. So many things flashing in my head. How did this all come up with trying to deal with the loss of my BPD daughter and grandkids? This is now a double whammy... .

I am sorry you are dealing with this whirlwind of emotions now. I hopped over from the Coping & Healing Board where I mostly reside to respond to you.

Can you describe the things flashing through your head from your childhood?

It seems the current events in your life have triggered things that you might have forgotten were inside of you. This is a lot to deal with. Sometimes people that have experienced difficult things in their childhood experience so-called emotional flashbacks in their adult lives:

"Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions [‘amygdala hijackings’] to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair. Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness. Because most emotional flashbacks do not have a visual or memory component to them, the triggered individual rarely realizes that she is re-experiencing a traumatic time from childhood." -- Pete Walker
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315252

When you look at this description of emotional flashbacks, do you feel this might be what you are experiencing now?

Raytamtay3 has given you some great advice. Perhaps it can help to try and practice mindfulness now (for instance by meditating and/or focusing on your breathing) to help you get back in the present and calm down a bit.

[Eyeamme]

Thank you for reaching out Kwamina. I think you are on to something. I think it is the NC. I think I got the "silent treatment" from my mom growing up. I was a really lonely kid. Wow. My natural instinct today (to make myself feel a little better) was to wrap myself in a blanket and to watch old reruns of "Bewitched". Funny.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

You're welcome

Getting the silent treatment from your own mother is very tough. I am sorry you felt so alone as a child, perhaps it can help to look at some of the stories on Coping & Healing and also the resources there.

Thank you for reaching out Kwamina. I think you are on to something. I think it is the NC. I think I got the "silent treatment" from my mom growing up. I was a really lonely kid. Wow. My natural instinct today (to make myself feel a little better) was to wrap myself in a blanket and to watch old reruns of "Bewitched". Funny.

I actually think that makes a lot of sense. Pete Walker whom I quoted earlier has published steps to help manage emotional flashbacks and this is one of the things he says: "Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap."

If you are interested in reading more about this, we have a thread on Coping & Healing about this subject:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

Take care

[Eyeamme]

Thank you. I got through it. I don't know what I would do without all of you.

[Slwinner]

The only way out is through. And with each other, we can all get through.