Permanent Detachment

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All,

Well, I gave it a good try, but unfortunately, my former friend BPD and I are now completely done, as of a few hours ago.

I do take the blame for what happened today, but at the same time, I can't keep walking on eggshells around her, wondering if what I will say will make her mad.  I let my insecurities get the best of me today and accused her of telling people that I'm crazy again.  She rejected my Instagram follow request yesterday and then never replied to my texts, so I assumed I was being painted black again.  After a great few days of texting back and forth, I could tell she was pulling away a bit.  I told her that I know that's what she does (she's done this twice before).  She asked if I even read what I write, and I said I do because I know her. She replied, "This is obviously not working.  Bye."  This was followed by me being unfriended and then blocked on Facebook (her account is private, so it's not like I would have seen anything other than her profile picture anyway).  I'm sure she's blocked my number again.  She is still friends with our mutual friends, so at least she didn't target them as well, as neither of them has done anything to her.

I definitely do have abandonment issues when it comes to her, especially after the discard that happened right after she tried to commit suicide.  I'm not like this with anyone else in my life, just her.  I'm never worried that my other friends won't text me back or that they might be mad at me.  I'm not afraid of having an argument with them and then being shut out of their life and not even being given a chance to apologize.  Also, I actually get to see them and spend time with them.  Just tonight, one of my friends called me and said we need to meet for lunch soon.

So, how am I feeling? 

Relieved that it's finally, completely over. 

Glad that I had five really good days of texting her and that she didn't end it this time by gaslighting me, calling me names, or swearing at me. 

Completely convinced that she has no intention of getting better.  She has BPD, and this is just how she is.  I don't have the time to deal with everything that goes along with that.  I'm too busy with other things in my life. 

Happy that I won't have to figure out a nice way to say "No" when she needs a place to live and asks to live with me.

Unlike all of the other times, I'm not really upset.  I'm not trying to think of other ways to contact her.  I'm not texting her, hoping that she didn't block my texts.  I'm sure that this is because I've gone through this before, I haven't even seen her for six months, I know she has BPD, I know she isn't any happier now than she was a few months ago, and I know how bad she can get and about some of the things she's done over the past few months.  She lost so much of my trust, and she didn't really get any of it back.  Even though I was happy to have her back in my life, I did worry about her wanting to come to my house (she's always low on money and robbed her ex in September).  I also worried about what my parents would think of me being in contact wit her again, after what she did to me.  More than anything, I have been on edge again the past few days, wondering when everything that had been good for five days would come crashing down.

So, I probably won't be posting as much here anymore.  This really does feel like the final discard.  She never completely blocked me on Facebook before, and her goodbye today seemed very final, whereas the other ones did not. 

[SummerStorm]

Hi All,

Well, I gave it a good try, but unfortunately, my former friend BPD and I are now completely done, as of a few hours ago.

I do take the blame for what happened today, but at the same time, I can't keep walking on eggshells around her, wondering if what I will say will make her mad.  I let my insecurities get the best of me today and accused her of telling people that I'm crazy again.  She rejected my Instagram follow request yesterday and then never replied to my texts, so I assumed I was being painted black again.  After a great few days of texting back and forth, I could tell she was pulling away a bit.  I told her that I know that's what she does (she's done this twice before).  She asked if I even read what I write, and I said I do because I know her. She replied, "This is obviously not working.  Bye."  This was followed by me being unfriended and then blocked on Facebook (her account is private, so it's not like I would have seen anything other than her profile picture anyway).  I'm sure she's blocked my number again.  She is still friends with our mutual friends, so at least she didn't target them as well, as neither of them has done anything to her.

I definitely do have abandonment issues when it comes to her, especially after the discard that happened right after she tried to commit suicide.  I'm not like this with anyone else in my life, just her.  I'm never worried that my other friends won't text me back or that they might be mad at me.  I'm not afraid of having an argument with them and then being shut out of their life and not even being given a chance to apologize.  Also, I actually get to see them and spend time with them.  Just tonight, one of my friends called me and said we need to meet for lunch soon.

So, how am I feeling? 

Relieved that it's finally, completely over. 

Glad that I had five really good days of texting her and that she didn't end it this time by gaslighting me, calling me names, or swearing at me. 

Completely convinced that she has no intention of getting better.  She has BPD, and this is just how she is.  I don't have the time to deal with everything that goes along with that.  I'm too busy with other things in my life. 

Happy that I won't have to figure out a nice way to say "No" when she needs a place to live and asks to live with me.

Unlike all of the other times, I'm not really upset.  I'm not trying to think of other ways to contact her.  I'm not texting her, hoping that she didn't block my texts.  I'm sure that this is because I've gone through this before, I haven't even seen her for six months, I know she has BPD, I know she isn't any happier now than she was a few months ago, and I know how bad she can get and about some of the things she's done over the past few months.  She lost so much of my trust, and she didn't really get any of it back.  Even though I was happy to have her back in my life, I did worry about her wanting to come to my house (she's always low on money and robbed her ex in September).  I also worried about what my parents would think of me being in contact wit her again, after what she did to me.  More than anything, I have been on edge again the past few days, wondering when everything that had been good for five days would come crashing down.

So, I probably won't be posting as much here anymore.  This really does feel like the final discard.  She never completely blocked me on Facebook before, and her goodbye today seemed very final, whereas the other ones did not. 

[Schermarhorn]

Welcome back Summer. Your last engagement with her sounds a lot like my last one with my ex. I was fully aware of BPD and was trying to prevent triggering her, but it just seemed impossible. And then once she snapped I lost my emotional composure and it was just like how it used to be.

You have to literally be perfect to have a lasting relationship with a pwBPD, or at least be very distant and only be there when they need you (which is basically what we are anyways). The problem is that nobody is perfect, and we will always fall short, and it will always end in a fallout.

That being said, I don't believe in a final discard. The last time my ex contacted me (about 3 months ago), she honestly believed that I said that she deserved all the abuse she received as a child. Of course I never said that, but to her I did say it. And she still talked for me for a couple weeks. I personally believed they will always come back if they cannot find anybody else and are desperate enough.

I imagine you are just a bit numb right now. The last time I was discarded I felt that same way. It was relief, but then the ruminations started again. Now I am 3 months out and yesterday was particularly hard, but I see a slow progress. Emotions are starting to dull down, and logical thought is increasing.

Don't rush yourself on healing. If you are upset, don't repress it. The difference between us and them is that we don't hide our emotions, we do our best to tackle them head on and heal properly.

[SummerStorm]

Welcome back Summer. Your last engagement with her sounds a lot like my last one with my ex. I was fully aware of BPD and was trying to prevent triggering her, but it just seemed impossible. And then once she snapped I lost my emotional composure and it was just like how it used to be. 

Yes, I tried so hard not to trigger her, but it's hard to tell what will trigger her.  And on Monday, we had great conversations, funny ones.  By Monday night, she had stopped replying.  On Tuesday, she gave me short, detached answers to my texts.  In addition to that, after we became friends on Facebook, I could see when she was on and what she was doing, and she had plenty of times to share memes and post selfies, but she couldn't find the time to send me a quick reply.  I also could tell when she'd been on Tinder (I hated swiping left on her and had no desire to swipe right, so I would just close out of it and go through everyone until she came up again), and it was clear she was on there after I'd texted her.

You have to literally be perfect to have a lasting relationship with a pwBPD, or at least be very distant and only be there when they need you (which is basically what we are anyways). The problem is that nobody is perfect, and we will always fall short, and it will always end in a fallout. 

I think I could have been distant if we had just maintained contact since June.  After she got out of the hospital, I was so emotional and wanted to see her so badly, but she acted like she didn't care.  Then, when she reengaged the first time, it was after I had spent the summer depressed and thinking I'd never hear from her again.  The second re-engagement came after almost three months of no contact, the day after Thanksgiving, a week after I realized that she had blocked my number.  So, I was incredibly emotional each time and was wanting to talk to her as much as I could.  She does have distant friends that she's in contact with, at least on Facebook. 

That being said, I don't believe in a final discard. The last time my ex contacted me (about 3 months ago), she honestly believed that I said that she deserved all the abuse she received as a child. Of course I never said that, but to her I did say it. And she still talked for me for a couple weeks. I personally believed they will always come back if they cannot find anybody else and are desperate enough. 

I suppose you're right.  She reengaged me this time after I had called her crazy the last time and proceeded to then call her a white trash pothead.  And I honestly am not sure if she even knew I had Facebook until last week or at least until very recently.  She probably blocked me so I couldn't send her a friend request (I wouldn't have).  It will be interesting to see how the next few months go.  She has no close friends and seems to have pulled away from the work friends she had.  Her recent relationships have also been very short.  Her sister is around a lot more right now because she's taking a break from college, but she will be going back again at some point, and she will be in a different state.  I'm sure that will trigger some abandonment fears in her (it's been a few years since her sister has been home for an extended period of time).   

I imagine you are just a bit numb right now. The last time I was discarded I felt that same way. It was relief, but then the ruminations started again. Now I am 3 months out and yesterday was particularly hard, but I see a slow progress. Emotions are starting to dull down, and logical thought is increasing.

Don't rush yourself on healing. If you are upset, don't repress it. The difference between us and them is that we don't hide our emotions, we do our best to tackle them head on and heal properly.

This time was so short, compared to the last times, that I really didn't have time to get completely mixed in with her, so I don't really even think this is numbness.  I'm just kind of done, basically.  Her ex told me that he never even felt upset when she broke up with him.  I think he was so relieved to be free from the emotional and physical abuse that he just stopped caring.  The first time, summer had just started, and I didn't have work to keep me busy.  The second time, I was stressed out about moving into my house.  This time, I'm moved in, I'm finishing up a grad class and getting ready to start another, I have two new cats, and I have plans with friends. 

[apollotech]

Hi Summer,

A word of caution, many times the "final discard" has to come from the Non. In other words, be prepared for her to iniate contact again. However it plays out, the ball is in your court, not hers.

[SummerStorm]

Hi Summer,

A word of caution, many times the "final discard" has to come from the Non. In other words, be prepared for her to iniate contact again. However it plays out, the ball is in your court, not hers.

I really don't see that happening this time.   The only reason she contacted me this time is because she saw a post of mine on Facebook where I made a reference to her.   

[apollotech]

Hi Summer,

A word of caution, many times the "final discard" has to come from the Non. In other words, be prepared for her to iniate contact again. However it plays out, the ball is in your court, not hers.

I really don't see that happening this time.   The only reason she contacted me this time is because she saw a post of mine on Facebook where I made a reference to her.   

Hi Summer,

Yes, that's my point... .they will use any excuse to open the door again. That's why I said it is many times dependent upon the Non to keep the door closed. You have that authority. As you have stated, she won't get better without the proper therapy (which she is not doing), so really it's a matter of how long you decide to keep refriending her.

[JaneStorm]

Hi Summer,

A word of caution, many times the "final discard" has to come from the Non. In other words, be prepared for her to iniate contact again. However it plays out, the ball is in your court, not hers.

This is validating me so much. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. It will be up to me this time; he always comes back. No matter how ugly his discard was or how dignified/undignified my response was.

I jump when the text goes off but through the wonders of friendship, it has been all of my friends wanting to see me. It's like a fog has lifted from my life and they sense it. I have not shared this latest disaster with them because I am repeating the same thing and I see that the toxins were spreading to my friends that care about me. My actions will be proof enough that I value myself and all I have accomplished and worked for.

[SummerStorm]

Hi Summer,

A word of caution, many times the "final discard" has to come from the Non. In other words, be prepared for her to iniate contact again. However it plays out, the ball is in your court, not hers.

I really don't see that happening this time.   The only reason she contacted me this time is because she saw a post of mine on Facebook where I made a reference to her.   

Hi Summer,

Yes, that's my point... .they will use any excuse to open the door again. That's why I said it is many times dependent upon the Non to keep the door closed. You have that authority. As you have stated, she won't get better without the proper therapy (which she is not doing), so really it's a matter of how long you decide to keep refriending her.

This discard was very quick.  The last time, she didn't even block me after she went off on me.  It was only a few days later that she did. 

It's hard to tell what will happen. 

She seems to contact me when she is reminded of the fact that I'm not actually bad or when she needs something.  The first reminder was when she was packing in July and found shirts she borrowed from me.  The second was the Facebook post.  At this point, she's running out of reminders. 

I do think that, for her, the grass will always seem greener on my side of the fence.  Not to sound full of myself, but I represent what she really, really wants but can't seem to have.  She posts all the time about wanting a place to call home; I have that.  She loves animals; I have cats.  She wants romance; I am incredibly romantic. 

She tends to continue to idealize people who "got away."  She showed me pictures of the guy who broke up with her in January and called him her friend.  He broke up with her during the idealization phase.  She still idealizes some cop who had an affair with her (he's married and has kids). 

I would be willing to text her again, but I have no interest in anything more than that. 

BPD really does suck, that's for sure. 

[apollotech]

... .I represent what she really, really wants but can't seem to have.

That is BPD in a nutshell: someone that they love/want, someone that loves them gets too close then engulfment sets in---too far away then abandonment sets in. No middle ground. Emotional intimacy kills these relationships.

[SummerStorm]

... .I represent what she really, really wants but can't seem to have.

That is BPD in a nutshell: someone that they love/want, someone that loves them gets too close then engulfment sets in---too far away then abandonment sets the in. No middle ground. Emotional intimacy kills these relationships.

I always told her that there was no middle ground with her, and she didn't really seem to get it. 

I do think this is why her ex-boyfriend lasted longer than most.  He admitted to me that he wasn't very open with her and didn't really get to see her that often because he worked nights and she worked days.  But as soon as her teaching job ended and she started working nights and saw him more often, things deteriorated quickly.  They were living together, too, which didn't help matters.

[apollotech]

I do think this is why her ex-boyfriend lasted longer than most.  He admitted to me that he wasn't very open with her and didn't really get to see her that often because he worked nights and she worked days.  But as soon as her teaching job ended and she started working nights and saw him more often, things deteriorated quickly.  They were living together, too, which didn't help matters.

I think you're absolutely correct with this assessment. In my personal relationship with my BPDexgf closeness was the killer. She simply couldn't do it, no matter how much she wanted to or how much she tried. In the end the disorder always won, and she'd blast us apart. After a few days she'd come back. If I would have stayed in the relationship that's what it would have been, a constant breakup/makeup cycle.

[SummerStorm]

I do think this is why her ex-boyfriend lasted longer than most.  He admitted to me that he wasn't very open with her and didn't really get to see her that often because he worked nights and she worked days.  But as soon as her teaching job ended and she started working nights and saw him more often, things deteriorated quickly.  They were living together, too, which didn't help matters.

I think you're absolutely correct with this assessment. In my personal relationship with my BPDexgf closeness was the killer. She simply couldn't do it, no matter how much she wanted to or how much she tried. In the end the disorder always won, and she'd blast us apart. After a few days she'd come back. If I would have stayed in the relationship that's what it would have been, a constant breakup/makeup cycle.

Yes, closeness was incredibly difficult for her. 

She has these wonderful dreams of what she wants, but she can't handle it once she has it.  She told me it would be "beautiful" if I were to write her love letters.  So, I did.  And she pulled away every single time. 

She even pulled away when it came to me asking her to spend an entire day with me. 

[apollotech]

Hi Summer,

A word of caution, many times the "final discard" has to come from the Non. In other words, be prepared for her to iniate contact again. However it plays out, the ball is in your court, not hers.

This is validating me so much. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. It will be up to me this time; he always comes back. No matter how ugly his discard was or how dignified/undignified my response was.

I jump when the text goes off but through the wonders of friendship, it has been all of my friends wanting to see me. It's like a fog has lifted from my life and they sense it. I have not shared this latest disaster with them because I am repeating the same thing and I see that the toxins were spreading to my friends that care about me. My actions will be proof enough that I value myself and all I have accomplished and worked for.

Hi Jane,

Glad I could help. We really are responsible for ourselves. I think a lot of people miss that and just the the pwBPD direct the relationship. As we all know, that usually doesn't end well.

[JaneStorm]

Hi Jane,

Glad I could help. We really are responsible for ourselves. I think a lot of people miss that and just the the pwBPD direct the relationship. As we all know, that usually doesn't end well.[/quote]
I used to always say to him out of absolute confounded numbness, "you are driving this car and always have... ." He hated that but it was true.