Finally putting it all together

[takingmylifeback]

My daughter has struggled with many of the BPD traits since she was 12 years old (she's 30 now). Her brother was born at 24 weeks (he's 25 now) when she was 6 and our world as well as her's changed overnight.

We didn't know anything about BPD. There was one out of many that mentioned it as a possibility, she soon decided she didn't like him anymore and refused to go back.  He was the only one out of the many counselors or Psychiatrists that she saw from the age of 12-18 that even mentioned it. Until the age of 12 she was relatively easy to get along with and because she did well in school was active in band and other academic clubs as well as church activities we didn't see the underlying issues.

It wasn't until she crossed over from middle school to high school that it seemed  as though she had jumped off a cliff and we went with her. She began to absolutely explode when she became angry. It was like we suddenly were in a war zone and had to get down and keep our hands over our heads and make sure our helmets were on when the incoming bullets and bombs started exploding. There was a cartoon on at that time called "Katie K-boom".   That was what our life became. She began having problems in school (failing) which was such a shock to me, because she had been in National Junior Honor Society the year before. The response from the school was "well if she would just do her work... .or  she just doesn't seem to have good coping skills".  I was sent on my way very upset about the "well if's... .". My daughter had always completed her work and on the schools honor rolls. So, for her to suddenly be failing? I knew something was wrong just didn't know what. So, I took her to a Psychiatrist familiar with our family because she oversaw my son't medications. 

Needless to say as most of you have already experienced the next several years were very difficult.  When she got married, was the most peaceful time in our home for a very very long time. Then she divorced. She needed a place to live, so we provided it to her. Now she is involved with her third child's father. We (my husband have gone from "I love you and all is well" to  more targeted rages focused squarely at me. I came to this site a year and a half ago and it was if I saw my life written somewhere on each threat that was posted. I gleaned some good information and thought OK... .All I need to do is XYZ... .I couldn't have been more wrong.  So I am here to learn from others who have walked the road before me. To become an educated parent for my daughter who I love  very much and is so beautiful.  For my family to become whole.  Then take these life experiences and give back to others who feel very alone and isolated. Because of all that comes with BPD for the person and family that often suffer in silence from it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello takingmylifeback,

Thank you for sharing your story! I am glad you decided to come back to this site - we all need the support of other parents who are walking in our shoes and know what it's like. 

It's a mixed blessing to have an adult child w/BPD - on the one hand, as long as they are able to live on their own, your home isn't necessarily the war-zone of their daily drama; on the other hand, they are in complete control of their mental health - i.e. it is up to them whether they will seek help... .

You say that your daughter is now involved with the father of her third child - does that mean she is living with him and out of your home?

What are her current rages about?

I gleaned some good information and thought OK... .All I need to do is XYZ... .I couldn't have been more wrong.  So I am here to learn from others who have walked the road before me. To become an educated parent for my daughter who I love  very much and is so beautiful.  For my family to become whole.  Then take these life experiences and give back to others who feel very alone and isolated.

As we all learn better skills, we become better at keeping our own lives more stable and peaceful, we start to heal from the traumas and chaos that BPD wreaks. And as we become more healthy and happy, we can be of better support to our child - there are no guarantees, our child must want the help they need, but there is hope... .

[takingmylifeback]

Well, I'm guessing since I was writing a post and then I hit something and it all went away. I may need to rethink what I was writing. So trying again.

I too am glad I came back to this site. Yes I agree it can be a mixed blessing. When all is well in her world. Well then it's all good. When its not? Look out and right now it is definitely not.

She is trying to live as a family in his home, while still maintaining her own home. I  really don't know how much time she really spends there.

So the latest rage and it's still going for her, came the night before my mother died.  I know the "You know I'm mad at xxxxxx" routine. So when started to complain and I said this is not the time. The switch was flipped. 

My mother had dementia and most of my family was in denial all the way to her death in June. So my daughter had over the past three years became my step-fathers "go to girl" for everything and I had become the outsider.  My daughter had  some very easy to manipulate grandparents who worshiped the ground she walked on and because she appeared to have it all together, they never questioned anything she said. Something to note, my husband is a dementia practitioner and could have provided some much needed support and resources for my step-father.


So when my mother passed away in June and suddenly I was suddenly back in the family picture, it has been an all out war ever since. Because my family hasn't necessarily been exposed to what my husband i have, when they saw her smiling at the mortuary (after having made all of the arrangements the day before) and telling my sister well "if you would like to change something it's OK", but I knew it was not Ok.  So while she's still smiling and they thought she was really OK. I knew what was coming and it is still coming.  The last week has been incredible the text message rants and the lies that are being uncovered and then there are accusations against me with the family. I have to have my husbands phone reset and my son's, I simply bought a new one. Take my face book pages down because I can't seem to stop what seems like "surveillance". She seems to have bits and pieces of conversations, that I cannot figure out how in the world she got them. Not that they are bad(my conversations) it's just the constant twisting and interjection of the nastiness and drama. I had been just trying for a long time not to provoke her. Because of  position, power and connections the baby's father has;  I  have lived in silence because some day like to see my grandson again. My daughter will just have him call me and let him tell me he loves me and misses me and then nothing for long periods of time.

When my sister said " Well she's pretty convincing". Ugh is what came to mind as I sit and just shake my head at all that is going on right now.

I know these are long answers, but there has only been one other person I have been able to talk to about this.

[pessim-optimist]

Hm, that is definitely a complex family situation... .Which ones aren't with BPD in the picture, correct?

I am sorry for your loss, and I am sorry you still find yourself under the attack... .what do you think feeds it? How can you step out of the way and let it bypass you?

How about the rest of your family? Where are they currently with your daughter and where do they stand concerning you - anyone who seems to understand a bit what's going on, anyone who is supportive?

In any case, the members here understand what you are going through and you can feel safe here.

[takingmylifeback]

 These are some very good questions.

Your are correct when you say the family situation is very complex. My sister and step-father are in the picture with her. My sister lives in another city and for the past 10 years has been wrapped up with her daughters drug addiction, so she really didnt have a lot of interaction with my family except through holidays. My step-father is in the center, having interactions with both.

What feeds it: Its all about her and her desire for power, control, superiority, being in the know ( trying to make herself indespensible)and extreme view of right and wrong. I asked my husband what he thought feeds it and the answers above are combined from both of us. There are so

many different situations, it is so complex its hard to pin it down to one or two things.

How can I let it bypass me:  Im working on that one

I know that simply not trying to provoke her doesnt work as evidenced in my post with regard to my moms last night in the hospital. I talked to my step-father about my need to maintain some distance for a time from her, he simply doesn't understand any of this and wants me to simply accept the behavior in order to just get along.

As for support. I do have a wonderful support system with my father. He has a step daughter that has BPD traits so he and my step mother have walked this road already. I just didnt know until recently that it was BPD they had dealt with. He gave me their counselors name and gave me their timeslot, this week so i can regain some sense of control and other strategies for getting out of the way. He also understands the surveillance lve been under and is going to look at ways to tighten up my security. My dear friend gave me some if the best advice. I can stand in the gap and pray for my daughter and my step-father from my living room. I don't need to stand in between a thougrough bred horse thats running full speed ahead with me in its way. Ultimately getting trampled. So I am doing just that, and getting back to my own life.

A correction from my original post.  I didnt mean I was complaining, I simply stopped my BPDd from complaing about her sister, who changed her mind about staying at the hospital and decided to leave and I agreed with my youngest daughter, that she should leave and just get away from it all. In my BPD daughters mind I must have crossed her.

I have made it a practice to not answer texts. If she sends something (its the only way she communicates)I call. No text. She has my grandson (whose 4) call. I am with her currently. 

[pessim-optimist]

I do have a wonderful support system with my father. He has a step daughter that has BPD traits so he and my step mother have walked this road already.

This is wonderful! And your friend's advice about not being in the middle and praying for your daughter instead is golden.

It's great that you will be able to talk to a therapist who understands this disorder. So nice of your father to be of help this way... .

It looks like your step-father might not understand what you are all dealing with and might be enmeshed with your daughter. That isn't uncommon. It will take some effort on your part to "keep your boundaries" - keep your life separate and peaceful while interacting with the world of your daughter and that of your step-father.

I have made it a practice to not answer texts. If she sends something (its the only way she communicates)I call. No text. She has my grandson (whose 4) call. I am with her currently.

I am not sure I understood - did you mean to say that you are currently in touch with your daughter?

[takingmylifeback]

Absolutely and my daughter and sister are emeshed and as my friend correctly observed my mother was the gatekeeper and now that shes gonel, they dont quite what to do. My sister tried to replace my mom with me, but quickly learned that wasn't going to fly.

As for communication with my daughter. I have been in the same house with her  once since my mom's death. It didnt go well. As i mentioned she watches my facebook page and then through text messages interjects herself and sends messages to the other family (sister, brother (i'm pretty sure he has BPD traits as well) and stepfather.  My stepfather keeps pleading with me to just get along with her. She sent me a text last week asking me if I wanted her dog? I called and ask why did she want to get rid of the dog? Very reasonable explanation,  but then puts my grandson on the phone... .It crushes me to hear his sweet voice and hear him tell me how much be misses me and loves me and know that its not going to happen until she deems me "good" again.  So that has been my only contact or communication.

Im not sure my family even knows what the word boundary means. But I do and am doing some maintenance work. Even property line fences, need some repair work every now and then.

[takingmylifeback]

This is not going to be a long post. Just had an aha moment with regard to what drives it. When I come into contact with someone she has lied to about me or my husband. The accusations and rages start flying. Because shes afraid her lies will be uncovered when the other person says why did you say or do this and I reply i didn't. Look out.

[pessim-optimist]

Hm... .it's tough missing our grandbabies. I know how that feels, we get periodically cut off as well.

My stepfather keeps pleading with me to just get along with her.

If I was in your situation, I'd probably just say something like: "I know it must be hard for you to watch, and it's hard on me too. I would love it if we were getting along better. Right now, it doesn't seem to be working. Let's hope for a better future."

Just had an aha moment... .The accusations and rages start flying. Because shes afraid her lies will be uncovered when the other person says why did you say or do this and I reply i didn't. Look out.

When you start seeing what's happening, it's easier to predict, and with some practicing, you can be ready ahead of time.

[takingmylifeback]

I'm confused on the first part of the statement. When you ssid it must be hard for you to watch. Are you talking about my stepfather?

[pessim-optimist]

Oh, sorry for the confusion. It's an example of what I might say to your step-father if I were in your position.

By empathizing with him, and telling him that it must be hard for him to watch the turmoil in the family, I would be recognizing and "validating" an emotion that drives his attempts to get you to give in.

And while you have your own reasons why you cannot give in, you are at least expressing your understanding of how he feels. That in itself feels good, and tends to ease the tension.

Does that make sense?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[takingmylifeback]

Yes, that's good. After my mother died he just keeps begging me to please get along with her (as if that would fix it). So your answer is perfect.

Thanks!