My son has stockholm syndrome. Everyone else wants to...

[whiplashed_mom]

He has stockholm syndrome due to the abuse by his BPD wife. She has isolated him from nearly everyone. I last spoke to him in March. Everyone that's been left in the dust is hurt and angry and wants to forget about him or tell him off. ---everyone from his former good friends to his grandmother.  I seem to be the only one who sees that he is trapped in Hell. He was my little boy. I love him. My family gets upset if I bring him up.

There seems to be no human being to talk with about this. He's not just in the FOG, he's so far gone, but I read it only gets worse the longer he's with her. Has anyone escaped this prison without outside force? My reading says those with SS still feel attached even after being rescued years before.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[understandnow]

I believe my son also has Stockholm syndrome from his BPD wife.  Our relationship with our son has been strained because she has cut him off with his daughter and has tried for years to cut him off from his stable loving family and yes I am the only one that can see it.  My son has not talked to us since September over something he perceived happened.  He spiraled down over an impromptu dinner I did not invite him to because he was working.  He became emotional and verbally abusive to us and made it perfectly clear he wanted nothing to do with our family.  All the while I could see my dil happy and feeling she won him to her side.  Don't know how to handle this. I can't give you any good advice and maybe someone on this board could.  Just know you are not the only one going through this. 

[13YearGoodbye]

Whiplashed_Mom: Thanks for loving your son and longing after him even if it seems like others have given up.

It took me 13 years to escape. I tried to escape all along, but for one reason or another got dragged, bribed, or coerced back into the FOG. I was isolated, and made dependent, and only escaped when staying another minute seemed unimaginable to me. After all the layers of my false-self were stripped away, she finally got down to a core set of beliefs that I wasn't willing to give up in order to keep the peace. Holding onto my core self was more important to me than any fear, obligation, guilt, shame, or consequences.

Fortunately in my case, she wasn't able to cause me to have (too many) bad feelings about my family, she only isolated me from them.

I still worry about her well-being. I still miss being worshiped during the good times. I still suffer from PTSD over simple things like cooking, taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, etc. I don't miss for a second the constant belittlement. I don't miss the unstable memories. I don't miss the disordered thinking. I don't miss the gaslighting. Etc... .

The thing that helped me escape more than any other is a couple of people I knew from work, who were friendly and helpful to me. We would do things together like eat or make lunch together, and during the whole time, they never once belittled me about my cooking, nor tried to shame me for my likes in food.

I escaped with 3 pairs of pants, a pair of shoes, and about 6 shirts. No phone. No car. No job. My mother welcomed me home with open arms. May you be lucky enough one day to do the same.

[raytamtay3]

He has stockholm syndrome due to the abuse by his BPD wife. She has isolated him from nearly everyone. I last spoke to him in March. Everyone that's been left in the dust is hurt and angry and wants to forget about him or tell him off. ---everyone from his former good friends to his grandmother.  I seem to be the only one who sees that he is trapped in Hell. He was my little boy. I love him. My family gets upset if I bring him up.

There seems to be no human being to talk with about this. He's not just in the FOG, he's so far gone, but I read it only gets worse the longer he's with her. Has anyone escaped this prison without outside force? My reading says those with SS still feel attached even after being rescued years before.

I did.  I was with my exh for over 20 years.  I met him when I was 15 and moved in with him and his family from NJ to PA when I was just shy of 18.  My life as I knew it ended at that time.  I was isolated from my friends and family. Mental and verbal abuse daily (my family were white trash pigs, I was nothing without him, he made me who I am today, I'm a c*nt, I'm a pig, etc).  It was a horrible existence and I am still recovering. The day my then 8 year old DD asked me why I let daddy talk about my family the way I do and why I never fight back is the day the clouds parted and I decided I did not want my DD growing to think it's ok for her to be treated that way nor for my son to grow up thinking it was ok for him to treat his spouse that way. The now see what a respectful healthy relationship looks like.

I had to leave everything behind so as not to get guilted back in. I left him with everything, accept my sanity. Well that's actually still up for grabs at the moment.  

[raytamtay3]

Whiplashed_Mom: Thanks for loving your son and longing after him even if it seems like others have given up.

It took me 13 years to escape. I tried to escape all along, but for one reason or another got dragged, bribed, or coerced back into the FOG. I was isolated, and made dependent, and only escaped when staying another minute seemed unimaginable to me. After all the layers of my false-self were stripped away, she finally got down to a core set of beliefs that I wasn't willing to give up in order to keep the peace. Holding onto my core self was more important to me than any fear, obligation, guilt, shame, or consequences.

Fortunately in my case, she wasn't able to cause me to have (too many) bad feelings about my family, she only isolated me from them.

I still worry about her well-being. I still miss being worshiped during the good times. I still suffer from PTSD over simple things like cooking, taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, etc. I don't miss for a second the constant belittlement. I don't miss the unstable memories. I don't miss the disordered thinking. I don't miss the gaslighting. Etc... .

The thing that helped me escape more than any other is a couple of people I knew from work, who were friendly and helpful to me. We would do things together like eat or make lunch together, and during the whole time, they never once belittled me about my cooking, nor tried to shame me for my likes in food.

I escaped with 3 pairs of pants, a pair of shoes, and about 6 shirts. No phone. No car. No job. My mother welcomed me home with open arms. May you be lucky enough one day to do the same.

  I got chills reading your post as I too was exactly where you were! We survived. We are stronger than we thought! 

[raytamtay3]

They feed on people like us. Those of us who are oftentimes TOO good hearted for our own good.  My family had no idea what was going on until the actual day I left as I protected and made excuses for him (like I now do for my DD)! You can only hope that your son comes to his senses over time. Do they have children together?

[whiplashed_mom]

Yes. They have an infant. They are both very committed to staying married, at least I know he is.

We never were told that we had done anything damaging to the relationship, and we're in the habit of having them over, until the day she had him call and tell us there was to be no contact. They secretly moved away, but sent us a condemning letter. The child was born. A few months later we received another letter that proved they are both mentally ill, if he really signed it. Which I think he did, seeing as how he made the phone call and went along with the alienation of nearly every person.

I've been having and hiding tears, lately, over his plight *and* the loss of my son. I must mourn by myself.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, encouragement and stories. There seem to be few in this situation. I'm so glad to hear of you getting out. But I do wonder with his ease of accepting this, his commitment to marriage and her, and there being a child, with more children likely, is there any hope of seeing my son again? We had a healthy, intact, and happy family until she came along. She gave us no chance to know what was coming or work anything out. Hence the whiplash. 

Her family lives and works right near us. They had the bad relationship with her when we met her, but now they have the only access to my son and grandchild. They have the nerve to refuse to answer our calls, the few that we've ever made to them. I thought about how they were all nearby this thanksgiving.

[whiplashed_mom]

13 Years, thank you for telling me about your co-workers. That is hope filled.

[Kate4queen]

In my experience what often happens with PWBPD is that they cannot maintain long term relationships. So quite often the people who are seen as good and love them suddenly get too close, or too comfortable and the BPD's inherent lack of sense of self makes them question why those people are tolerating their behavior and so they destroy it.

The very fact that she is now back with her family gives you a sense of that black or white swing, so I wouldn't give up hope. Time goes on, things change. I hope one day your son comes back to you.

I've lost my youngest son to my BPD son at the moment. I too hope he'll come back to me one day.