How to stop rescuing

[Mijbe]

Oh what a rollercoster we've embarked on - after a week in hospital for a safety program because she was suicidal - three separate people in our life (family doctor, counsellor at school, friend who works in mental health) have all asked if we've considered that our daughter might have BPD.  Have read both Kreger books and scanned everything available online - don't even know where to begin with all the questions but I guess this one is top of mind: I recognize that I am a rescuer - but I'm so terrified she'll hurt herself (cutting - suicide) that I feel I have to be so careful not to cause her any additional pain.  How do you balance being loving, good parents without enabling or rescuing?  I know rescuing isn't right but I want to show her love and give her secure base.  How do other loving parents at the beginning of the journey do it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Mijbe

Seeing your own child having suicidal tendencies is very tough for a parent so I think your feelings are understandable. You don't want her to hurt herself and are now trying to find the right balance in the way you approach her.

Dealing with a BPD child can be quite challenging and it really helps to have support. To help you get started here, I suggest you take a look at the tools and lessons to the right of this message board. We for instance have tools that can help you listen and communicate to your daughter and also tools to help you set boundaries and limits.

Your daughter was in hospital for a week. Is she now still getting targeted help for her suicidal ideation?

What (other) traits do you recognize in your daughter that you think might be a sign of BPD?

Welcome to bpdfamily

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Mijbe & I'd like to join Kwamina in welcoming you

Your dilemma is very familiar to everyone on this Board; parents of BPD children (even the adult ones!) have to deal with the fine line between being supportive, loving and compassionate, without being enabling or rescuing of them. It's tough! Our natural inclination to want to "fix" everything for them and help alleviate their pain can be really overwhelming!

The thing that helped me with this problem (in myself!) was reading every link to the right-hand side of this page, and also checking out the Feature Articles linked to under the 4 photos at the top of the thread listings page of this Board. Also, reading "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr helped immensely! Both of those books are my go-to "BPD bibles" when I need support for specific troubles, especially the ones where I'm too tangled up with the relationship to think straight 

Detaching with love, taking care of my own emotional and other needs, and accepting my BPS son for who he is and not who I want him to be, is something I've learned along the line as I've read up on BPD and learned how to deal with it better... .It can be done, and I'm so glad you've found us so that you can get the support you need to navigate those tricky waters, Mijbe 

How old is your daughter? Have suicidal ideations been part of her disorder for a while? What other symptoms and behaviors has she exhibited? My own adult (now 38) son not only had suicidal ideations, but a multi-year Heroin addiction, before being admitted to the Dual Diagnosis Center where he was diagnosed with BPD and treated for it... .That was in March and April of 2013, and he's been in recovery for the BPD and clean and sober ever since (2 years and 9 months at this time). He's still in Treatment (Out-Patient, Neurofeedback Therapy and Psychiatric), but doing well. Is your daughter participating in any sort of Treatment at this time?

[ConnieThomas]

I, too, have discovered the label "rescuer" and recognize this as my role.  I have also discovered the acronym FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).  I am so relieved to find this site and realize I am not alone.  My BPDdaughter35 is really out of control at this time (holidays) but am beyond broke, exhausted and must learn to stop rescuing.

[twojaybirds]

Welcome,

You are among those that understand.

FOG as mentioned by Connie is one of my mantra's.

Less is more is something else I have come to accept.  For me it seemed the more I tried to rescue the worse my dd became and the more stressed and unhappy I was.  While I learned my boundaries and gave her seeming less in the long run our relationship became better and my life was more happy and focused on what I needed for myself.

Congratulate yourself on being here learning what you can do first for you.