I am in a room with a thousand doors (Part 2)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Continued from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287048.0

A lot of reaponses to this. So I am sure I am repeating. But even if you find the right door, you are still going to be in a room with 1,000 doors again. It's guaranteed. Start looking for the exit my friend.

I have come to realize during the course of this thread I am in fact not in a room with a thousand doors, I am in a room with two doors.  One leads to letting her go forever and life goes on without her.  The other leads to the room with a thousand doors, those doors representing the many different possibilities that might occur if reconciliation were to happen, including the door that leads back to room I am in now.

In some ways I feel I would regret not reaching out and letting her know I am open to reconcile, yet I need to be absolutely certain that this is what I want if she were to express interest in doing so.  I need to make sure I am doing this for the right reasons not selfish ones.  It would unfair for me to reach out if I am not prepared to work towards a family with her and fixing the relationship.  More importantly I need to be prepared to accept that she may not be capable of being the type of partner I ultimately desire, but I would hope she could be close enough for me to feel confident with building a family with her.  There is simply too much good in her for me to not have hope, yet there the possible BPD ... .which leave a huge question mark on any future for her, be it with me or someone else.

I refuse to bring a child into a home filled with emotional turmoil and if that is what a future holds with her then it would be best if I let her go.  My dilemma is I do not know with certainty she can't be the partner/wife that I need to feel secure building a family with.  If I were to die before our child was grown, I also need to feel confident in her ability to raise our child on her own and/or choose a new partner who will love our child as his own and provide a home without emotional turmoil or abuse.  I am not sure if I am confident in her ability to choose the right partner and to be quite honest, it scares me.


To recap, I have been considering sending a reconciliation letter to my ex.  She has expressed no desire to reconcile and will not reach out even if she wants to.  She has stated she is in a new relationship however I do have a few reasons to believe this may not be true and it would not be unlike her to stretch the truth on that .  That said, there are many sign to suggest that she is not only in a new relationship, but that she likely had an emotional affair with my replacement a month or two before our relationship ended.  If this is true then there is only one door left for me as she will have demonstrated how little she truly values me and the love we had.

In any event, at this point I am undecided if reconciliation is what I want.  There are sound reasons to just let her go and move on with my life and there are sound reasons to seek to bring her back into my life.  I need to be 100% sure that I do want this if she were to express a desire to reconcile.  So I have posted several drafts of my letter to her, here is the latest one. 

I feel this letter can't be too short as it would be summarily dismissed, or too long as it won't be really read.  It needs to be somewhere between the two with enough substance to give her a reason to seriously consider reconciliation, assuming she it not in a new relationship. 

If she is really in a new relationship and/or has completely detached and devalued me then I do not expect a reply, which I am OK with.  I don't believe I would see it as a setback or a fresh rejection because she has already rejected me, and she probably feels like I rejected her.  No reply would just confirm what I have already mostly come to accept.  It would leave me no choice other than to accept the finality of our relationship being over and the need to let her go forever.



Subject: A Beautiful Future?


I am writing this under the assumption that you are not in a new relationship.  If you will, please spare a moment of your time to read this with an open mind.

You have every reason to believe that I am OK with our relationship ending but I am not and never was.  I cannot find a way to stop loving you no matter how hard I try to push you out of my heart.

Losing the love we found with each other and a two year relationship based solely on the fact we never sat down and had a real conversation about our feelings and needs is tragic.  Open and honest communication is critical in a relationship and we weren't communicating with each other.

You are an intelligent, beautiful, loving, warm, affectionate, passionate and silly woman who I am deeply in love with and want to walk hand in hand through life with.  When things were good between us they were amazing.  We bonded and connected with each other on a depth I had never thought possible.  We are so very compatible with each other in many different ways.  I treasure and cherish you like no other.  I am deeply sorry, I let us both down.

Would you consider allowing yourself the opportunity and time to work with me and repair the damage that was done to our relationship this year?  We can have a future and family together if we can believe and trust in each other.  We can work together to build a secure and stable relationship for a family to grow on.  If we both believe and work towards being the best we can be in a partnership and marriage then we can realize our dream.  We can achieve the shared happiness that will come from building a family together.  There is hope if we can believe.

Please consider what we have already been through, the good parts of our relationship, the love and bond we shared.  Let us learn from the mistakes, put behind all the pain and resentment and work on moving forward together on the same path not different ones.

[C.Stein]

Continued from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287048.0

A lot of reaponses to this. So I am sure I am repeating. But even if you find the right door, you are still going to be in a room with 1,000 doors again. It's guaranteed. Start looking for the exit my friend.

I have come to realize during the course of this thread I am in fact not in a room with a thousand doors, I am in a room with two doors.  One leads to letting her go forever and life goes on without her.  The other leads to the room with a thousand doors, those doors representing the many different possibilities that might occur if reconciliation were to happen, including the door that leads back to room I am in now.

In some ways I feel I would regret not reaching out and letting her know I am open to reconcile, yet I need to be absolutely certain that this is what I want if she were to express interest in doing so.  I need to make sure I am doing this for the right reasons not selfish ones.  It would unfair for me to reach out if I am not prepared to work towards a family with her and fixing the relationship.  More importantly I need to be prepared to accept that she may not be capable of being the type of partner I ultimately desire, but I would hope she could be close enough for me to feel confident with building a family with her.  There is simply too much good in her for me to not have hope, yet there the possible BPD ... .which leave a huge question mark on any future for her, be it with me or someone else.

I refuse to bring a child into a home filled with emotional turmoil and if that is what a future holds with her then it would be best if I let her go.  My dilemma is I do not know with certainty she can't be the partner/wife that I need to feel secure building a family with.  If I were to die before our child was grown, I also need to feel confident in her ability to raise our child on her own and/or choose a new partner who will love our child as his own and provide a home without emotional turmoil or abuse.  I am not sure if I am confident in her ability to choose the right partner and to be quite honest, it scares me.


To recap, I have been considering sending a reconciliation letter to my ex.  She has expressed no desire to reconcile and will not reach out even if she wants to.  She has stated she is in a new relationship however I do have a few reasons to believe this may not be true and it would not be unlike her to stretch the truth on that .  That said, there are many sign to suggest that she is not only in a new relationship, but that she likely had an emotional affair with my replacement a month or two before our relationship ended.  If this is true then there is only one door left for me as she will have demonstrated how little she truly values me and the love we had.

In any event, at this point I am undecided if reconciliation is what I want.  There are sound reasons to just let her go and move on with my life and there are sound reasons to seek to bring her back into my life.  I need to be 100% sure that I do want this if she were to express a desire to reconcile.  So I have posted several drafts of my letter to her, here is the latest one. 

I feel this letter can't be too short as it would be summarily dismissed, or too long as it won't be really read.  It needs to be somewhere between the two with enough substance to give her a reason to seriously consider reconciliation, assuming she it not in a new relationship. 

If she is really in a new relationship and/or has completely detached and devalued me then I do not expect a reply, which I am OK with.  I don't believe I would see it as a setback or a fresh rejection because she has already rejected me, and she probably feels like I rejected her.  No reply would just confirm what I have already mostly come to accept.  It would leave me no choice other than to accept the finality of our relationship being over and the need to let her go forever.



Subject: A Beautiful Future?


I am writing this under the assumption that you are not in a new relationship.  If you will, please spare a moment of your time to read this with an open mind.

You have every reason to believe that I am OK with our relationship ending but I am not and never was.  I cannot find a way to stop loving you no matter how hard I try to push you out of my heart.

Losing the love we found with each other and a two year relationship based solely on the fact we never sat down and had a real conversation about our feelings and needs is tragic.  Open and honest communication is critical in a relationship and we weren't communicating with each other.

You are an intelligent, beautiful, loving, warm, affectionate, passionate and silly woman who I am deeply in love with and want to walk hand in hand through life with.  When things were good between us they were amazing.  We bonded and connected with each other on a depth I had never thought possible.  We are so very compatible with each other in many different ways.  I treasure and cherish you like no other.  I am deeply sorry, I let us both down.

Would you consider allowing yourself the opportunity and time to work with me and repair the damage that was done to our relationship this year?  We can have a future and family together if we can believe and trust in each other.  We can work together to build a secure and stable relationship for a family to grow on.  If we both believe and work towards being the best we can be in a partnership and marriage then we can realize our dream.  We can achieve the shared happiness that will come from building a family together.  There is hope if we can believe.

Please consider what we have already been through, the good parts of our relationship, the love and bond we shared.  Let us learn from the mistakes, put behind all the pain and resentment and work on moving forward together on the same path not different ones.

[Joem678]

CStein,

Follow this thread if you haven't done so already.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0;topicseen

You have to make sure that you will get closure with the email.   You have to make sure that self-closure is the only expectation.  There is a good chance that if you send that email and you don't get a response, even though you are not expecting one, you will hurt yourself more.  Many of us have been through that feeling or rejection.  Many times where we thought we were giving them our last word.  

[FlyFish]

Wow CS... .After reading that I realize no one has ever cared about me

I don't know about you guys but I feel as if the truly caring nons in the relationship cherish more and go above and beyond in everything we do to make everything work. If she/he gave half of this then it would be so much better. I'm codependent I've realized. But, our giving is not even recognized by the BPDex. We are being "used". That is how I feel right now. Many of us nons have spent our soul on creating a harmonious relationship with the one we love but this is to no avail. The BPD cannot sustain this form of relationship from what I have gathered.  

A lot of reaponses to this. So I am sure I am repeating. But even if you find the right door, you are still going to be in a room with 1,000 doors again. It's guaranteed. Start looking for the exit my friend.

Exiting is probably the best course but if you're like me you will continue to debate this in your mind. my heart yearns for being with her yet my cognitive mind says this whole situation is f****ed up and there is absolutely no reason that I should even be involved anymore. Sad situation for all of us involved.

Wish you well c stein

[C.Stein]

CStein,

Follow this thread if you haven't done so already.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0;topicseen

You have to make sure that you will get closure with the email.   You have to make sure that self-closure is the only expectation.  There is a good chance that if you send that email and you don't get a response, even though you are not expecting one, you will hurt yourself more.  Many of us have been through that feeling or rejection.  Many times where we thought we were giving them our last word.  [/quote]
I honestly don't think it will be a setback for me.  I didn't feel setback when I didn't get a response to my other emails.   If she was going to lash out at me she would have done it already.   I really don't have any hope that she will reply, but I will welcome it if I do, assuming I do send it and she does reply with interest to reconcile.

Thanks for the link.

[steelwork]

Would it help to know what happened to me when I reached out and tried to reconcile? Mind you, this was before I had absorbed the reality of the situation. I was not thinking in terms of BPD at all.

I was blindsided in a one-line email with the information that he had a new woman (which in fact he did--he'd been seeing her for a few weeks). He refused to talk to me on the phone. I absorbed a whole bunch of abuse over email in the course of a few hours, and then he blocked me everywhere.

I spent a few weeks trying to get my head together. I made the move he had wanted me to make--fixed the ostensible reason for our breakup--and wrote him a letter of apology for everything I'd done wrong. I told him he'd waited for me to choose him all those years, and now I was choosing him. Yes, he was in a new relationship, but I truly, honestly had every reason to believe that his feelings for me were much deeper than any bond he could have formed in a month and a half of dating some other woman. (Two and a half years of more or less nonstop love bombing. Statements about what would happen if we parted ways like: "I don't have it in me to map into someone else the way I've mapped onto you. I might lie to some other woman and tell her I love her--just so I can keep her--but I can't lie to myself." Etc.)

What was the result of my letter? Two months of torture, cat-and-mouse games, pushing and pulling like a champ, and then a sudden rude sarcastic final f*ck-off.

Am I sorry I wrote him that letter? I was going to say yes, I'm sorry, because the result was SO MUCH HURT. But no, maybe I'm not, because it did lead to one honest phone conversation that, in retrospect, gave me a lot of information. He talked about his abandonment issues. how he felt like a "different person," how PROUD he was of having gotten over me, how he no longer wanted to be so open with anyone.

He would never agree to talk to me or see me in person after that, despite the fact that we were supposed to be "friends." The way he acted for the next two months--the mind games and jeckyl/hyding, the self-pity and evasion and phoniness--will, god willing, one day be enough to convince me how doomed the relationship was anyhow.

So write the letter. But be prepared for a lot of pain. And maybe for that pain to ultimately help you truly let go. I'm still waiting, but at least I can say I left no stone unturned.

[C.Stein]

Exiting is probably the best course but if you're like me you will continue to debate this in your mind. my heart yearns for being with her yet my cognitive mind says this whole situation is f****ed up and there is absolutely no reason that I should even be involved anymore. Sad situation for all of us involved.

This is pretty much where I am at as well.  Logically speaking I should walk away as she has not shown she is capable of being in the type of relationship I desire.  That said I see so many places where I made mistakes (assuming pwBPD) that it introduces a healthy amount of doubt in my mind.  It is possible and quite likely I exacerbated her BPD like behavior and I am uncertain if I were to do things differently the relationship might be significantly better.

My heart ... .well you and I both know what the heart is telling us.

Would it help to know what happened to me when I reached out and tried to reconcile?

Thank you for sharing your story with me.  Everyone is different in their behavior and circumstances. While there are certainly some general patterns between many of our ex's, in the end each and every one of them is a unique individual, disordered or not.  While it certainly helps to read all the accounts and horror stories of other people I have to keep in mind that every situation and person is different in spite of the similarities.  So what I try to gleen from these stories people share is a better understanding of myself and my ex, as it applies to our unique set of circumstances.

Again, thank you for sharing your story, it does help.

[steelwork]

And by the way, when I say I fixed what had ostensibly caused the breakup: I mean that I left someone for him. Someone who loved me, and who he had been trying to get me to leave for years. I left a 7-year relationship and moved to another city, moved in with a relative, because I had nowhere else to go.

I did not even get a face-to-face meeting out of it. Not so much as a cup of coffee to talk about what had happened. And he never, not once, acknowledged what I was going through.

[steelwork]

Again, thank you for sharing your story, it does help.

You're welcome! I guess I was mostly venting.

But I also really mean it when I say I'm ultimately glad I tried.

[C.Stein]

And by the way, when I say I fixed what had ostensibly caused the breakup: I mean that I left someone for him. Someone who loved me, and who he had been trying to get me to leave for years. I left a 7-year relationship and moved to another city, moved in with a relative, because I had nowhere else to go.

I did not even get a face-to-face meeting out of it. Not so much as a cup of coffee to talk about what had happened. And he never, not once, acknowledged what I was going through.

I remember reading your story when you first posted it a while back.  What he did to you is difficult for anyone to process and handle.  You have done well all considering.  Give yourself a pat on the back and a hug for being strong.  

[FlyFish]

Our hearts speak volumes. As they should. We know we found something amazing if only it would be constant, realistic, and healthy. I actually was very consistent in everything I did even through the rough times ... .Maybe this was my boundary setting as I knew it. She even told me that she held on to the consistency of what I gave her. It was the only way I knew how operate.  

CS, everyone makes mistakes. In relationships and in life. holding on to your mistakes is not going to help this situation. Relationships take two people. The problem with most on here is that we gave 100% while receiving very little in return. This very little was absolutely magical though. And that is what we cling to. Own your mistakes but also realize that they were not capable of giving you what you needed and they in fact had many (far to many) faults that they are not capable of realizing and that we let slip. The fact is the BPD can never realize her/his issues in the r/s. It is truly all about "them"

[Lonely_Astro]

You know your BPD better than I do, obviously.  But, I will offer this as my $.02 worth: the long term isn't worth it.  So, what do I mean?

During a moment of talking with mine she made it clear to me that as much as she wanted a r/s with me and as much as she loved me, she was sorry that she just didn't "feel the same" about me.  I made the comment to her that I could neither force her nor will her to want me again and her reply was "I'm sorry".  The 'bond' we shared was gone and it won't return... .not in the sense of what it was at least.

C., take the time to heal from this and don't get trapped into believing that you can have a deep, meaningful r/s with her.  It will always be one sided.  I thought mine "wasn't that bad", but as FOG begins to lift, I see that it was my own perspective, fears, desires, and needs that was keeping me around her.  She really was "that bad" as the truth begins to seep out of the walls.  I wasn't prepared for it. 

Only you can decide what to do in the end, it's your life.  But, please, think about yourself in this moment.  Think about what all you've been through (you've replied to my postings and I've read some of yours).  Think about what all will happen if she were to want to reconcile with you.  It may be ok at first, but it wouldn't take long before she abuses you again.  Yes, it will happen.  I've been there.  Hindsight is 20/20 and I wouldn't have done it the second time around had I known then what I do now.

Just think about it, thats all I'm saying.

[C.Stein]

Our hearts speak volumes. As they should. We know we found something amazing if only it would be constant, realistic, and healthy. I actually was very consistent in everything I did even through the rough times ... .Maybe this was my boundary setting as I knew it. She even told me that she held on to the consistency of what I gave her. It was the only way I knew how operate.  

CS, everyone makes mistakes. In relationships and in life. holding on to your mistakes is not going to help this situation. Relationships take two people. The problem with most on here is that we gave 100% while receiving very little in return. This very little was absolutely magical though. And that is what we cling to. Own your mistakes but also realize that they were not capable of giving you what you needed and they in fact had many (far to many) faults that they are not capable of realizing and that we let slip. The fact is the BPD can never realize her/his issues in the r/s. It is truly all about "them"

I was also fairly consistent as this is just who I am as a person ... .even, grounded and steady.  What was wrong of me was my distancing and withdrawal and the suppression of some of my better characteristics (affectionate, passionate, attentive, giving (to some extent)).  While I do feel guilt and remorse for this, I have also forgiven myself for the most part because I understand I was responding this way due to the emotional pain and fear I was experiencing.  

I do wish I had found a way to communicate with her more effectively, instead of bottling it up as I feel it would have prevented at least some of the hurtful things she did ... .or perhaps that is just what I want to believe.  This is why I struggle ... .what is fantasy and what is reality.

You know, the things I find myself remembering the most are the times when we were working together, or just spending good quality time together.  There was no fantasy there, just two people who were good together in many different ways.  

This is what I miss the most ... .the companionship and friendship with someone you share a deep love and bond with.   Sigh... . :'(

[steelwork]

What was wrong of me was my distancing and withdrawal and the suppression of some of my better characteristics (affectionate, passionate, attentive, giving (to some extent)).  While I do feel guilt and remorse for this, I have also forgiven myself for the most part because I understand I was responding this way due to the emotional pain and fear I was experiencing.

Oh yes, this. I beat myself up so much, remembering how I held back because I thought loving him fully would not be fair until I was free to be with him for real. I was so cautious about leading him on. Well, at least I never lied to him. I lied to someone else, but not him.

[FlyFish]

I think the distancing and withdrawal was because on some subconscious level you knew that something was wrong or that you couldn't "hang" with the their level. I experienced this as well. I think I struggle with intamacy issues and yet I was more intimate with her than with any of my previous relationships.

Most on here would say they lost themselves as I did. I think this coincides with losing your "better characteristics". I am a shell of my former self. I was strong physically, and mentally before I met her (at least I thought). We can be the best of ourselves and yet it would never have been enough.

Communication is difficult in even the best of relationships. You did the best you could and probably tried harder than you needed to. as you stated the best times that you remember are always the easiest going and yet there is nothing easy about a BPD relationship. This will continue unless he/she gets help no matter how much we want to believe otherwise.

[Kelli Cornett]

CS again, I just want to praise you for having a good heart. It feels like you really cared. It made me cry and I would cry if someone wrote me something like that.

[C.Stein]

Just think about it, thats all I'm saying.

Thank LA.  I have followed your story and my ex isn't nearly as bad as yours was, or at least she would never do some of the things your ex did to you.  

My ex, assuming pwBPD, is very high functioning waif who internalizes most of her dysregulation.  She was for the most part a "normal" person the majority if the time.  Sure she complains a lot, gets irritated and frustrated easily, lets stupid things upset her, but that was the minority not the majority ... .I think.  I was the sounding board (most of the time) when she was like this, not the scratching post or doormat.

My problem is, you don't truly know a person until you live with them and even then sometimes you don't.  We never lived together and the time we did spend together was special.  Considering this, it could have masked behavior that would have manifested itself if we were to live together or spend much more time together.  I did see glimpses of the BPD when we were spending a lot of time together, but that was also a very unstable time in her life in general.  This however doesn't excuse the behavior.

I do feel once she has a stable career, which she has not up to this point, she will get much much better.  As we all know, unstable conditions in the life of a pwBPD exacerbates the BPD behavior.

It really is a big unknown for me, a path unexplored.  In some ways my gut tells me it might be hell ... .she did tell me she fought a lot with her ex before me that she lived with.  I'm not sure why they fought or who instigated the fights though.  What little I did get it was all his fault ... .no surprise there.

I think my ex may believe she cannot love me the same way I love her (essentially unconditionally).  I don't think that she is incapable of this, but it is her mind regardless of how I feel.  I don't feel our bond is gone though, but that may also be me holding onto something that is no longer there.  The feeling I got that there might still be something there was two months ago when we said goodbye to each other. That is a lot of time for her to forget me even more than she already had, but it is also a lot of time for her to realize she maybe made a mistake letting me go.  My harsh truth email to her was a month ago.

If she is in a new relationship then the bond is gone.  It may still exist at some very deep level for her, and probably always will, but for all intents and purposes once she has given her love to another man there is no longer any room for me and it will never be the same again.  The bond and love we shared will be effectively gone and I will never be with her again.  This is something I have to accept regardless of how painful it may be, but I also don't want to regret not reaching out to her because I am in love with her and I do see potential for happiness with her.

Still conflicted ... .still undecided.

[C.Stein]

Assuming I do send this email I am conflicted on the first sentence.  She needs to know that reconciliation is only an option if she didn't have/has a new relationship.  At the same time, my assuming she isn't in a new relationship is implying she lied to me.  Since she thinks I believe she is a pathological liar, and this really bothers her, this sentence may not send the right message. 

I am writing this under the assumption that you are not in a new relationship.

How do I go about conveying what I need to convey without triggering her?

[C.Stein]

CS again, I just want to praise you for having a good heart. It feels like you really cared. It made me cry and I would cry if someone wrote me something like that.

I assume you are not talking about the harsh truth email?   

[Kelli Cornett]

CS again, I just want to praise you for having a good heart. It feels like you really cared. It made me cry and I would cry if someone wrote me something like that.

I assume you are not talking about the harsh truth email?   

Take the compliment haha!

[C.Stein]

Take the compliment haha!

  Thank you.  I try to speak with honesty from my heart.   

[Beach_Babe]

It's pretty evident you want to do this, so do it then. Whatever you believe will bring about closure and peace. I do not regret reaching out to mine, because now I sleep at night. I know where he stands and no longer have to wonder "what if."

[C.Stein]

It's pretty evident you want to do this, so do it then. Whatever you believe will bring about closure and peace. I do not regret reaching out to mine, because now I sleep at night. I know where he stands and no longer have to wonder "what if."

Hey BB,

I do and I don't.  I have my own doubts and some members have made good points, both for and against.

The fact of the matter is I am scared of what might be.  There is a part of me that does want to build a family with her and there is a part of me that is very scared too.  I have never really been that interested in being a father, but I do have to admit there is a part of me that does want it.  Being with her made me reassess my feelings about that.   

Those here with children know being a parent and raising a child is anything but easy, even under the best of circumstances.  As much as my ex wants children the fact of the matter is she is impatient, she knows this about herself.   Can she find the patience required to raise a child or is a child going to trigger her?

I do think there is a very good chance we could be happy together, both of us, but only if the trust can be rebuilt and there is openness and honesty between both of us.   It is as difficult to overcome these fears and doubts as it is to let her go. 

How does one go about coming to terms with this? 

[hollycat]

In regards to my BpdH, I have struggled with the exact same issues you describe.  We had an awful Thanksgiving visit; did not even last 3 days.

He is angry at me and I am angry at him.  The pull to attempt reconciliation was impossibly strong. And then, I had my own epiphany.

A fews ago we were exchanging texts.  I finally set forth in a text, all the names he has called me.  He likes to put himself forward as some fabulous partner who is well versed in the book: the 5 languages of love.

What a joke.

He has called me deceptive, a despicable lying thief, neglectful, uncooperative, abusive, not listening, not paying attention.  I texted to him: These are NOT the words of a loving partner.  These are the words of a person who hates me and wishes me harm.

It hit me hard. 

His response: this is what you are programming for your reticular cortex.

I texted back: BS.  These are the actual words you have used to describe me.

I am exhausted with dealing with him and I deserve so much more than a partner who talks and thinks about me like that.  I would rather be alone forever than deal with this mess.

I am now dreading he will take me up on the invitation for Christmas I issued a few weeks ago. 

[Beach_Babe]

CS: how much time has passed NC?

[C.Stein]

CS: how much time has passed NC?

Face to face approximately 2 months when we said "goodbye" and exchanged some stuff.  That was the only time I have seen her since late June.  The beginning of August was when NC started on both our parts with exception of me wishing her a happy birthday via text in the middle of August.  She seemed genuinely happy to receive that text but that was as far as it went.

The only email she has sent since final discard was about 1 month ago in response to the text I had sent her the day before.  The text wasn't personal with exception of the "I miss you" at the end of it.

[Skip]

Assuming I do send this email I am conflicted on the first sentence.  She needs to know that reconciliation is only an option if she didn't have/has a new relationship.  At the same time, my assuming she isn't in a new relationship is implying she lied to me.  Since she thinks I believe she is a pathological liar, and this really bothers her, this sentence may not send the right message.  

I am writing this under the assumption that you are not in a new relationship.

How do I go about conveying what I need to convey without triggering her?

If you ultimately decide you want to make contact, I'd take up a post on "Saving" and work through alternative ways to do it.

Your note is heartfelt, very touching.  And, as you say, it has some triggering stuff in it.  

It might make sense to make contact in a more forward thinking way. Show what you mean (as opposed to describing it).  Focus on what she will be receptive to. Take it in steps.

Just a thought.

[Should I stay or...]

CS: how much time has passed NC?

Face to face approximately 2 months when we said "goodbye" and exchanged some stuff.  That was the only time I have seen her since late June.  The beginning of August was when NC started on both our parts with exception of me wishing her a happy birthday via text in the middle of August.  She seemed genuinely happy to receive that text but that was as far as it went.

The only email she has sent since final discard was about 1 month ago in response to the text I had sent her the day before.  The text wasn't personal with exception of the "I miss you" at the end of it.

during this time frame, when was your email sent that we discussed yesterday? 

did it occur during the time described in your last paragraph above?

[C.Stein]

during this time frame, when was your email sent that we discussed yesterday?  

did it occur during the time described in your last paragraph above?

The harsh truth email was sent a month ago to the day, one week after the email from her.  There has been NC since.

[C.Stein]

Assuming I do send this email I am conflicted on the first sentence.  She needs to know that reconciliation is only an option if she didn't have/has a new relationship.  At the same time, my assuming she isn't in a new relationship is implying she lied to me.  Since she thinks I believe she is a pathological liar, and this really bothers her, this sentence may not send the right message.  

I am writing this under the assumption that you are not in a new relationship.

How do I go about conveying what I need to convey without triggering her?

If you ultimately decide you want to make contact, I'd take up a post on "Saving" and work through alternative ways to do it.

Your note is heartfelt, very touching, but it might make sense to make contact in a more forward thinking way. Focus on what she will be receptive to and take it in steps.

Just a thought.  

Thanks Skip.  I have considered taking up the post on saving and probably will if I decide saving is what I really want here and not detaching.  This thread has helped clarify some issues and has also raised some new questions/doubts.  It has been a useful exercise in both detaching and potentially saving.

[troisette]

Hello C.Stein - I've read many of your posts on several threads. You strike me as a wise, thoughtful and intelligent person.

I understand why you wish for closure but I'm not sure that sending a lengthy letter will achieve that. Some of your drafts might be construed by her as food for her ego and could be used by her if you reconcile. Really, this is not about her but about you. You achieving closure and detachment. If that's what you want.

Writing it and then destroying it, may help. Otherwise a short note if you feel it necessary to communicate your feelings to her.

My overriding feeling is that you deserve better than what she is able, or not able, to give you. If you go forward without her you have a good chance of achieving that.