Self realization and improvement after BPD

[burritoman]

Have any of you made great strides to reevaluate yourself and improve your situation after being with your pwBPD? I've been kind of awakened to my own co-dependency issues, and I'm making the first steps to improving myself to build more self-worth and not allow this to happen again, shifting the focus away from her and what went wrong. It'll likely be a tough road, but after being beaten down and abused by your ex for so long, there can only be light at the end of the tunnel.

The first step for me has been trying to accept that none of this is directly my fault, and any further effort by me to please her would have only prolonged the inevitable.

We all know we deserve better than the way we were treated. The disorder is theirs, not ours, and if they don't recognize us for who WE are, it's their loss.

[Anez]

I've been seeing a therapist every week which has helped tho I still think about her all the time and I have to see her (briefly) each day at work. She's on my mind all the time.

I've also been hitting the gym a lot and lifting weights, doing cardio, getting back in shape.

My ex and I never really fought or had moments of rage, which has made things harder to get over. Tho I keep focusing on how she never wanted to talk about my feelings right after the breakup because it gave her too much anxiety.

I'm trying to focus more on what you said - this isn't about us, it's about their disorder and their emotions. But it's still hard to just put everything in that basket and move on.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good for you burrito!  The personal growth we do as we detach from the relationship and design a new future is ultimately the gift of the relationship, and the work you're doing now will prove very fruitful.  You might also try the Personal Inventory board, where the focus is no longer on the borderline and the relationship, we've shifted it to us and our bright futures.  Take care of you!

[Anez]

We all know we deserve better than the way we were treated. The disorder is theirs, not ours, and if they don't recognize us for who WE are, it's their loss.

That is so true. So darn true. Thanks for writing that.

[burritoman]

None of it helps get rid of the sting, but it can help build clarity.

[burritoman]

Also remember that YOU will come out the other side, whereas they will continue to stay in this pattern the rest of their life. As much as you care about them, remember that there isn't some perfect replacement for you out there who will handle them in a way you couldn't. History will repeat itself. They have a disorder, and most aren't successfully treated or treated at all. Right now you're at the bottom, and you have nowhere to go but to the top from here on out.

[Joem678]

The best way to evolve from this is to work on yourself.  When you work on yourself, you will gain self-awareness and clarity on what your situation is.  In time, you will see the BPD in them.  It is a process.  Therapy helped me a bunch.  It helps when they tell you "let's not talk about her but let's talk about you".