extended family

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have a BPD teen, and I'm having trouble sorting out my feelings about my extended family. It's very tough now because of holidays and DD's recent behaviors and relapse. I usually withdraw from communicating to my mom (who doesn't live in the same town) because I can't fake happy, catch-up, small talk when we are dealing with crisis drama crap you just can't make up. And if I start telling her the truth, I can hear her start to get all choked up and sniffling over the phone like she's going to cry, and I feel terrible. So back to withdrawing, so I don't hurt her. Or faking it and not telling her the rotten stuff, if I'm up to it. My Dad and his wife I am not close to. They never put any effort into calling or connecting with us, even before our DD got sick. My in-laws (2 sets), one set understands mental illness very well, but they get very stressed out and annoyed that we aren't able to lean on other family for support equally, so they "put up their boundaries" which basically means they don't reach out to us anymore. DH calls them and sometimes they call him. 2 years ago, they went from being my rock to pretty much not communicating with me. I can't help but feel like they kind of blame me. The other set of in-laws do not understand mental illness at all. They know we are struggling. A phone call just to see how we are doing every once and awhile and to let us know they care would be so nice, but that doesn't happen. When DH tells them about some of the challenges with our DD, they just keep saying "I just don't understand how this can happen" We end up feeling like we are failures as parents. How do you all relate to your parents when you're just trying to hold your head above water with your child?

[DisneyMom]

I have a BPD teen, and I'm having trouble sorting out my feelings about my extended family. It's very tough now because of holidays and DD's recent behaviors and relapse. I usually withdraw from communicating to my mom (who doesn't live in the same town) because I can't fake happy, catch-up, small talk when we are dealing with crisis drama crap you just can't make up. And if I start telling her the truth, I can hear her start to get all choked up and sniffling over the phone like she's going to cry, and I feel terrible. So back to withdrawing, so I don't hurt her. Or faking it and not telling her the rotten stuff, if I'm up to it. My Dad and his wife I am not close to. They never put any effort into calling or connecting with us, even before our DD got sick. My in-laws (2 sets), one set understands mental illness very well, but they get very stressed out and annoyed that we aren't able to lean on other family for support equally, so they "put up their boundaries" which basically means they don't reach out to us anymore. DH calls them and sometimes they call him. 2 years ago, they went from being my rock to pretty much not communicating with me. I can't help but feel like they kind of blame me. The other set of in-laws do not understand mental illness at all. They know we are struggling. A phone call just to see how we are doing every once and awhile and to let us know they care would be so nice, but that doesn't happen. When DH tells them about some of the challenges with our DD, they just keep saying "I just don't understand how this can happen" We end up feeling like we are failures as parents. How do you all relate to your parents when you're just trying to hold your head above water with your child?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello DisneyMom, 

Holidays tend to be hard times for us, don't they... .

It is important to have a support system for ourselves, so that we can deal with the sometimes overwhelming realities of dealing w/BPD, and like you say successfully "keep our head above water".

It appears that you cannot count on your extended family as part of your support system. Who is part of your support system? Do you need to broaden it?

I cannot rely on my family for support either. My in-laws were sweet people, but they aren't alive any more, and my parents have serious issues themselves (they love me dearly, but my mother has BPD traits, and my dad has NPD tendencies), so talking to them about my step-daughter's BPD would make things even more messy than it already is. 

I relate to them on their level, and share only what is appropriate. It seems that you aren't really pressed to share things with most of your relatives, other than your mother - do you think you could perhaps share with her honestly but not give her details, and stay in touch, so you both feel better about the relationship you two have?

What do you think is going on with your in-laws that understand mental illness? Are they perhaps overwhelmed with their own situations?