Over a year NC. Am I safe?

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I was in a relationship with a girl over a year ago who suffered with BPD. She tore me apart and changed who I am as a person. I've since gotten over her as a person, but I still have issues shaking the feeling of being vulnerable. I hardly remember the good times anymore, but I have very vivid memories of the horrible things she did to me. It affects my sleep and I've been seeking the right counselling for months. According to many doctors I've seen there isn't much locally for a male coming out of an abusive relationship.

She jumped into a relationship immediately after our demise and has been with him ever since. Recently I learned from a friend that she has split from this guy. I'm worried that this could mean she may try and contact me. I don't want to deal with her and even hearing her name drives me into an almost PTSD mess. After over an entire year of NC; Am I safe from her trying to contact or charm me? Or is this just the beginning?

[Hindsight2020]

I was in a relationship with a girl over a year ago who suffered with BPD. She tore me apart and changed who I am as a person. I've since gotten over her as a person, but I still have issues shaking the feeling of being vulnerable. I hardly remember the good times anymore, but I have very vivid memories of the horrible things she did to me. It affects my sleep and I've been seeking the right counselling for months. According to many doctors I've seen there isn't much locally for a male coming out of an abusive relationship.

She jumped into a relationship immediately after our demise and has been with him ever since. Recently I learned from a friend that she has split from this guy. I'm worried that this could mean she may try and contact me. I don't want to deal with her and even hearing her name drives me into an almost PTSD mess. After over an entire year of NC; Am I safe from her trying to contact or charm me? Or is this just the beginning?

[Fr4nz]

I was in a relationship with a girl over a year ago who suffered with BPD. She tore me apart and changed who I am as a person. I've since gotten over her as a person, but I still have issues shaking the feeling of being vulnerable. I hardly remember the good times anymore, but I have very vivid memories of the horrible things she did to me. It affects my sleep and I've been seeking the right counselling for months. According to many doctors I've seen there isn't much locally for a male coming out of an abusive relationship.

She jumped into a relationship immediately after our demise and has been with him ever since. Recently I learned from a friend that she has split from this guy. I'm worried that this could mean she may try and contact me. I don't want to deal with her and even hearing her name drives me into an almost PTSD mess. After over an entire year of NC; Am I safe from her trying to contact or charm me? Or is this just the beginning?

Who knows?

However, it takes 2 to tango, so if you don't play, nothing will happen. Just block her everywhere and refuse any kind of contact. This way, nothing bad can happen

[lovenature]

Going by my experience of my uBPDexgf continuing to contact me (lives across the street), and what I have read on these boards, most will reach out at some point; can even be years after last contact.

Best to remain NC on your end, continue to heal so you can reach acceptance and indifference-then if you ever do hear or see her it will not affect you the way it does now.

I know how tough it is when they just attempt contact and it sets you back, (do what you can to avoid any contact); all we can do is what we think is best for us, the only way out is through-we must process things and not bury them to be able to fully heal.

Focus on looking after yourself.  

[Lonely_Astro]

Are you "safe"?  Maybe.  Some will reach out, others won't.  I was NC with my diagnosed pwBPD for 3 years before we got back together.  We both had changed (it seemed).  I was in a r/s for a year with her before it recently ended in spectacular fashion, again.

So, "safe" is a relative term.  If you don't engage her if she does reach out, you're golden.  If you were like me and tried at a second bite of the apple, then be prepared for the results.  Don't get me wrong, the past year had its ups.  It also had its downs.  I tried to make it work, it just didn't.  This time, the ending for me wasn't as rough as the previous one.  I was more educated, matured, and (on some level) always expected this outcome.  Mind you, I didn't set out with the intent of us falling apart, I just knew the chances weren't in my favor.  It doesnt make it easier, per se, but I am older, wiser, and was more prepared.

Good luck on your journey.  We are here for you.

[Hindsight2020]

Thank you all for your kind responses. I was referring to being "safe" as in weither she would attempt the contact. I've heard of cases where a person's ex has used an alias or a fake account in order to communicate with the non. I've had a fear of answering my phone to numbers I don't recognize for a long time now. I could have missed out on job opportunities, or communication with people I haven't seen in years. But in my mind; it's not worth the risk of hearing her voice again even by accident. I may sound completely irrational, but i've acted as though she hasn't existed for so long even with everyone I know constantly bringing her up. I do have her blocked on all sources of social media. I've made new accounts since then and blocked her just in case. I've even moved to a new town a few hours away from where I lived and knew her.

[Suzn]

I've had a fear of answering my phone to numbers I don't recognize for a long time now. I could have missed out on job opportunities, or communication with people I haven't seen in years. But in my mind; it's not worth the risk of hearing her voice again even by accident.

The important callers will likely leave a message.    How are you coping with your triggers? I've found it helpful to imagine what I fear happening and then walk myself through each step thereafter. What would happen if you heard her voice, how would it affect you, what would you do next? Then after that? and so on.

i've acted as though she hasn't existed for so long even with everyone I know constantly bringing her up.

Have you considered setting boundaries with everyone who brings her up?

[hopealways]

What I have learned from the BPD is that they never cease to surprise.  They can show up even after you have completely written them off. In fact, that is usually when they do show up. They have an uncanny ability to feel when you are over them and then BOOM there they appear.  Blocking is useless, they can always email from a different account or call you from a new number. The goal is for all of us to grow and improve as healthier people so that we wouldn't even want their insanity back in our lives.

[Reforming]

It sounds like you're doing a lot of positive things do process what happened and protect yourself.

Blocking your ex on social media and on your phone can be a very sensible strategy while you're still in recovery.

Some never try to reconnect, but it can be common and it can be very helpful to prepare for the possibility.

I think Suzn's advice is very good.

An if/then strategy is a great tool for coping with the possibility and when you know that you have a strategy in place it will ease your anxiety.

I think Suzn also makes a very good point about friends etc bringing up your ex in conversation.

My relationship was quite long and when it ended I told my family and friends that I realised that they had their own relationship with her, which they were perfectly entitled to continue, but I told them I would prefer not to hear about her and if they were in contact with her I asked them to respect my privacy and not discuss me. It really helped to create a safe fly free zone around me.

The best of luck with your healing

Reforming

[paperlung]

My ex-girlfriend has contacted me every time she breaks up with a new boyfriend, and she has had 8 or 9 boyfriends since we broke up in 2013!