My Ex Accepts Responsibility

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

BPD isn't curable, as much as we hate to say that.  It can be managed, but it takes time, dedication, medication, and perseverance from the pwBPD and most don't stick with that.

I don't think this is fully accurate, but it may as well be from our perspective. Many trained professionals struggle with reaching and helping pwBPD, so what would make you think you can help after reading some internet boards for a few weeks?

Bottom line is that some pwBPD do get better and even can get cured and live normal lives and have healthy relationships, but that takes years of hard work and they have to really, really want it. Those fortunate few pwBPD that do escape from the madness are certainly the exception to the rule.

BPD isn't curable.  That's the wide consensus of professionals.  It is, however, treatable.  There are therapies that have been shown to be effective at allowing pwBPD to cope with, and even surmount, the pitfalls of their disorder.  Much of treatment is to retrain their thinking to realize that feelings aren't facts, and to utilize wise mind to see that life is full of shades of gray.  For instance, we can be angry at someone and still recognize that there are positive qualities to them and we still love them.  These are the sorts of things pwBPD often have problems with, and they can indeed be improved with therapy and effort.

To the best of my understanding, medication has not been particularly effective at treating BPD but may be effective at treating comorbid conditions such as depression.

[cosmonaut]

BPD isn't curable, as much as we hate to say that.  It can be managed, but it takes time, dedication, medication, and perseverance from the pwBPD and most don't stick with that.

I don't think this is fully accurate, but it may as well be from our perspective. Many trained professionals struggle with reaching and helping pwBPD, so what would make you think you can help after reading some internet boards for a few weeks?

Bottom line is that some pwBPD do get better and even can get cured and live normal lives and have healthy relationships, but that takes years of hard work and they have to really, really want it. Those fortunate few pwBPD that do escape from the madness are certainly the exception to the rule.

BPD isn't curable.  That's the wide consensus of professionals.  It is, however, treatable.  There are therapies that have been shown to be effective at allowing pwBPD to cope with, and even surmount, the pitfalls of their disorder.  Much of treatment is to retrain their thinking to realize that feelings aren't facts, and to utilize wise mind to see that life is full of shades of gray.  For instance, we can be angry at someone and still recognize that there are positive qualities to them and we still love them.  These are the sorts of things pwBPD often have problems with, and they can indeed be improved with therapy and effort.

To the best of my understanding, medication has not been particularly effective at treating BPD but may be effective at treating comorbid conditions such as depression.

[Penelope35]

It also strikes me that the lie would be intended to prevent abandonment. I should remember that when I start thinking maybe I've exaggerated the red flags.

My ex presented himself as being single. He lied about being being married and having two kids. After our final break up he told me he is separated (which I don't believe but maybe it's a dead marriage) but didn't want to tell me about that and the kids because he believed i would abandon him if he had told me... .I got furious with this excuse and I still can't believe how anybody would even consider hiding something like that for ANY reason. But the reality is he truly feels justified for his decision to hide it because he is certain I would have left if I knew... .

[cosmonaut]

My ex presented himself as being single. He lied about being being married and having two kids. After our final break up he told me he is separated (which I don't believe but maybe it's a dead marriage) but didn't want to tell me about that and the kida  because he believed i would abandon him if he had told me... .I got furious with this excuse and I still can't believe how anybody would even consider hiding something like that for ANY reason. But the reality is he truly feels justified for his decision to hide it because he is certain I would have left if I knew... .

Abandonment is an overwhelming fear for pwBPD.  Some pwBPD will go to highly destructive ends in an attempt to ward off the terror of abandonment.  It is certainly incredibly damaging behavior for everyone involved;  BPD is a serious mental illness.  Looking at the behavior through the lens of the disorder can help us to understand it, however.  So much of the impulsive, destructive behaviors are about attempts to quiet the overwhelming emotion.

[iluminati]

It also strikes me that the lie would be intended to prevent abandonment. I should remember that when I start thinking maybe I've exaggerated the red flags.

My ex presented himself as being single. He lied about being being married and having two kids. After our final break up he told me he is separated (which I don't believe but maybe it's a dead marriage) but didn't want to tell me about that and the kids because he believed i would abandon him if he had told me... .I got furious with this excuse and I still can't believe how anybody would even consider hiding something like that for ANY reason. But the reality is he truly feels justified for his decision to hide it because he is certain I would have left if I knew... .

Heck, my BPD ex wife lies about having custody of our daughter.  She makes a point of taking my daughter out of state to see her folks by herself so no one knows that fact.  If they knew, they would either abandon her or force her to move there and get help.  Also, perchance last summer, our social circles crossed,  and she ended up meeting someone I was dating at the time.  Once it got out who she was to me, she disappeared fearing that her image was destroyed by her friends knowing that she was a mom without custody.

My point is that they'll say the sky is red if it means keeping someone's attention and affection.  They fear abandonment so much that it's a fate worse than death for them.

[Lonely_Astro]

BPD isn't curable.  That's the wide consensus of professionals.  It is, however, treatable.  There are therapies that have been shown to be effective at allowing pwBPD to cope with, and even surmount, the pitfalls of their disorder.  Much of treatment is to retrain their thinking to realize that feelings aren't facts, and to utilize wise mind to see that life is full of shades of gray.  For instance, we can be angry at someone and still recognize that there are positive qualities to them and we still love them.  These are the sorts of things pwBPD often have problems with, and they can indeed be improved with therapy and effort.

To the best of my understanding, medication has not been particularly effective at treating BPD but may be effective at treating comorbid conditions such as depression.

You are correct in that medication isn't particularly effective to treat BPD, but it is effective in treating other conditions, such as depression.  I say that because J was on mood stabilizers and/or antipsychotics (she never did tell me what, exactly, and I never asked, specifically).  She claimed to have to take upwards of 3-4 pills several times per day.  True or not, I don't know. 

In the year we were together, she had to be "re-dosed" several times because they "were losing effectiveness".  I knew that the meds weren't for BPD, per se, but they did (or at least, I thought they did) curve her moods from swinging so much rapidly.  At least that's what she told me... .that the meds helped her, but toward the end she either stopped taking them or the mask finally cracked.  I don't know which it was, nor does it really matter at this point.