Advice on CE issues

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi there,

I am in the middle of custody eval for a move away and could use some advice. She is uBPD/NPD. In her filings she has of course made all sorts of wild accusations about me, has straight up lied and mixed up a lot of halftruths with fiction. She provided zero documentation to back up any of her claims to the CE. During the course of the Eval, she has acted totally irrationally - sending wild emails to the CE and copying our lawyers with ridiculous demands and claims. My responses have been calm and measured. I have provided him carefully prepared documentation to back up my claims and refute hers. There are innumerable emails and texts where she is downright abusive, threatens, ignores, cuts off communication when she doesn't het her way, makes wild accusations, blames, namecalls, etc.

In our meetings up until now, he has been very poker faced. Then today in our meeting it became clear he was taking her very seriously. I'd caught her in several lies and he made excuses for her. I found myself arguing with him on several very obvious points that my lawyers, my partner and several friends all agreed were obviously outrageous and unacceptable behavior. He was questioning my communication even though I have a very long, very clear record of turning the other cheek, minding my tone, being inclusive and respectful, etc.   He was spending a lot of time walking through the details of a custody in which she got her way - how would dropoffs work, what would holidays be like, etc. and VERY little time on that stuff in the case that she didn't move.

I am now concerned that he's either been paid off (she's very wealthy and is paying 95% of his bill) or he has some sort of bias.

He left the door open for me to provide additional documentation or follow up info.  I'm wondering if anyone who's been through this can comment... .is it common for a CE to pretend to give credence to absolutely ridiculous claims in order to see how you respond? Does he sound paid off? If you were me would you try and provide additional evidence that she is lying? Any other advice?

[calidad]

Hi there,

I am in the middle of custody eval for a move away and could use some advice. She is uBPD/NPD. In her filings she has of course made all sorts of wild accusations about me, has straight up lied and mixed up a lot of halftruths with fiction. She provided zero documentation to back up any of her claims to the CE. During the course of the Eval, she has acted totally irrationally - sending wild emails to the CE and copying our lawyers with ridiculous demands and claims. My responses have been calm and measured. I have provided him carefully prepared documentation to back up my claims and refute hers. There are innumerable emails and texts where she is downright abusive, threatens, ignores, cuts off communication when she doesn't het her way, makes wild accusations, blames, namecalls, etc.

In our meetings up until now, he has been very poker faced. Then today in our meeting it became clear he was taking her very seriously. I'd caught her in several lies and he made excuses for her. I found myself arguing with him on several very obvious points that my lawyers, my partner and several friends all agreed were obviously outrageous and unacceptable behavior. He was questioning my communication even though I have a very long, very clear record of turning the other cheek, minding my tone, being inclusive and respectful, etc.   He was spending a lot of time walking through the details of a custody in which she got her way - how would dropoffs work, what would holidays be like, etc. and VERY little time on that stuff in the case that she didn't move.

I am now concerned that he's either been paid off (she's very wealthy and is paying 95% of his bill) or he has some sort of bias.

He left the door open for me to provide additional documentation or follow up info.  I'm wondering if anyone who's been through this can comment... .is it common for a CE to pretend to give credence to absolutely ridiculous claims in order to see how you respond? Does he sound paid off? If you were me would you try and provide additional evidence that she is lying? Any other advice?

[ForeverDad]

What reputation does the CE have with the lawyers and court?  Solid work?  Well-respected?  Unbiased?

There is still a default initial bias in favor to mothers just about everywhere, it may not be overtly written, but it is often there in the way policies and procedures are constructed.  If they're non-working mothers then that bias probably goes up since that means the mother has a history of majority parenting time.

When I had my CE, the evaluator, a child psychologist, stated up front that parenting history was usually 50% of the outcome.  Hmm, something  must have changed his mind, my ex had basically stopped working when our son was born yet his initial report to the court was, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should lose her temporary custody immediately... .If the parents attempt Shared Parenting and it fails, then Father should get custody."

[livednlearned]

I share your suspicion that the CE could be working for his client. In my case, the lawyers recommended that we get a parent coordinator, so while not a CE, a similar third-party role.

Every divorced couple I talked to about what to expect from a parent coordinator mentioned how unscrupulous the PCs were, and cautioned me to do my homework and be proactive about the PC we used. One called them a "trash can for money." It seems to me that there are a lot of people involved in forensic psychology (some call it therapeutic jurisprudence) for the money because it's a steady stream of cash, and they can charge lucrative fees.

The background check I did on my PC is the most thorough I've ever done. I did the same with the co-parenting therapist and found out she went to a for-profit university that had no ethics classes, and a terrible track record of providing quality internship. So therapists came out with $100K in debt and no practical experience, and headed straight to forensic psychology because kaching. I know there are some in the business who can be trusted, but you have to work to find them.

Trust your gut that this guy is not a neutral party. And if so, what recourse do you have to hire someone else? Or, if he makes a recommendation to court, is there an appeal process?

The CE probably has a reputation among other CEs and court officials. I wonder if there is a way you could find out that information.

[Thunderstruck]

We are in the middle of a CE as well.

Towards the end the CE specifically told my DH that she has to address all the concerns that uBPDbm brings up, otherwise she could be seen as biased and ignoring uBPDbm.

At times it really did feel (to us) like the CE would "side" with the uBPDbm. The CE would ask me about DH's drinking because uBPDbm made claims that he was an alcoholic.    We answered honestly that yes, sometimes we drink and this is how often. The CE did even ask us how things would go if uBPDbm got her "way" for the schedule. We pointed out that in the past (before the CO) she hasn't cooperated, so we wouldn't expect it to happen in the future either.

Arguing with the CE probably wasn't cool. And you don't really need to spend your time trying to "prove" uBPDbm lied. Focus on the kids and why the move won't be good for them (and your relationship with them). Then state why your plan is the best for them.

[calidad]

Thanks for the feedback LivedNLearned. The guy has a solid rep and is one of the most used CE's in the region (over 1,000 cases). But there are two people posting all over social media that he was bought in their cases - hard to conform.

What would a background check turn up? If it's obvious to every lay person that she's a NJ and her behavior proves that she will not communicate, be flexible, etc., E.G. if it becomes obvious he's paid off, any thoughts on how I can expose his corruption?

One thought is that HER behavior is really like she knows she's already won and can act however she wants. She accused me of harassment, shut off communication to me completely, didn't share medical evaluations with me and instead shared them with him first. His response to all of that has been shrugs.

[SamwizeGamgee]

One of the hallmarks of the modern legal racket is that you get what (who) you pay for.  Sad.

I would only add that if you focus on welfare of the kids, make your own case for parenting time a strong one.  I understand you have to respond to some accusations, but, time you spend on rebuttal is time that could be used on selling you.  Next, you can hire your own CE, and surprisingly he/she will present you as the better parent for the kids.

[calidad]

Thanks Samwize,

So I talked to my lawyer. He said it's typical for a CE to have a bit of a god complex and they will even act as if they are on the other person's side just to test your reaction. Basically they are professional asss. Good advice you gave. He said same. Just clearly show the reasons I am a better custodian and summarize the areas where she's interfered and or/ refused to co-parent.

[ForeverDad]

I was thinking... .One way to reduce the risk that CE might be inclined to "please the payer" is that the court order state that parents pay equally but since one parent is financially disadvantaged then the parent with funds pay up front but then gets an adjustment when the financial splits are worked out later in the divorce.

Whether that would change it from the CE considering self to be 'her' CE, who knows?

[bravhart1]

I'm not sure this isn't just a more simple case of old thinking. Moms should be with kids. Period.

We paid for our last CE, and there were many clear and vivid things told to CE by both therapists and teachers and last mediator that mom was troubled and needed to be put in check. He seemed to sympathize with her. She threatened to kill herself in the middle of it to SD for heaven sake and SD went back and told him that too, and he put it in report, and still gave her more time than she had before.

Both therapists were stunned that he didn't put mom in supervised. She goes way over the line with PA, also in the report, as well as some emeshment stuff that's gross, showering with SD ( every time) and sleeping naked with SD every night she's there. Staying up late watching mature television, then SD being blamed for SD late for school, if she goes at all, cause mom over slept. How he decided to give her a road map to 50/50 and give her a fourth chance is beyond me, but this last year has been a big set back for SD.

Now we are in crisis mode trying to protect SD from any further dysfunction.

So I would point a big arrow to the unstable "parent", not a mom specifically, and how this is affecting children from being functional.

Make it clear that a functional dad can be just as good if not better as a dysfunctional mom.

[trappeddad]

I would not waste $ on CE's unless their is child abuse.

[david]

I've been through three evals to date. The first I tried to "reason/bargain" with ex and that turned into a disaster. The second one I had a vague plan of what I was seeking and got a vague eval report. The last one I had a very specific plan on what I thought worked best for our two boys. I was challenged several times by the evaluator and I stuck to my guns. I gave my reasoning to each challenge.

My ex was all over the place in every one. I believe she realized she was "losing" in the last one and actually threatened the evaluator. I kept a poker face the entire time. The evaluator recommended exactly what I was seeking.

The thing I got out of all three was to have a solid plan and stick with it. I agreed to changes provided my concerns were addressed with any change. If my concerns were not addressed I stayed firm with my position. I did not waver from any of my reasoning's as to why I thought my idea was what was best. I was willing to change my position only if I could be shown it was better for our boys. Our custody order does not follow any of the regular type of orders. It is only slight differences but I thought they were important and I stood firm.

During the school year I have the boys on Monday and Thursday and every other weekend. My reason for Monday was I used it to set the tone for the week especially our youngest since his homework assignments were given on Monday for the entire week. My reason for Thursday was so that I could make sure he had everything done for the week. Normally the week is split two days with one parent and the other consecutive two days with the other parent. I acknowledged that my plan wasn't what was "normal" but that it addressed an issue I was very concerned about. I also said that when our youngest gets into high school this would probably not be as helpful and I was more than willing to address the issue at that time.