looking back just a red flag

[jasonb]

I have left my npd/BPD girlfriend hopefully for good. she is still harassing  me from time to time but I ignore it. I am convinced that if I did not leave she would financially destroy me. Hell she is still trying to do that with threats etc.

but I would like to share a story about a red flag that was overlooked, but slightly entertaining

so, I invited my (at the time girlfriend) out for some drinks at my hometown bar for a reunion with many high school friends. This is 1,800 miles from where we live. We sat around and talked about old times and she found out I was a really good basketball player in high school (she didn't know because she never asked questions about me another red flag). She was surprised because she was the "star high school basketball player in high school bfd" what she didn't know is that that table was full of ex division one and ex semi professional basketball players. One was in the hall of fame for the area. she went on and on and on about how she was "varsity" . they told her their status and she just kept going. talking about minor accomplishments etc... .

[Lonely_Astro]

Is she diagnosed BPD (or NPD)?  I only ask that not because I'm trying to be smart or anything, I just noticed my pwBPD would do that not as a grandiose attempt but as an attempt to relate and fit in.

For example, I have traveled extensively.  Many of my co-workers know this.  Many of them ask me about various things when they are planning to travel or they want to hear about a place I've been.  My ex has only been to the FL coast, Boston, and on a cruise to Mexico.  In the midst of me telling stories about a small village I visited here or there or talking about local customs, she would insert something about her cruise (which seemed to be her favorite trip, ever).  That may seem annoying, but she was trying to relate to the conversation because she told me that she always felt so insignificant to me when it came to traveling.  She couldn't understand why I would want to be with someone like her when I was so traveled and cultured.  I always disliked when she said that, I was with her because I loved her.  Traveling the world wasn't a requirement for me to love someone (and still isn't).  I told her I didn't care if she had ever traveled out of our state or not (and I meant it).  I had actually planned to take her to several places, but that will never come to pass, now.

I'm not saying she wasn't attempting to bring the attention back to her or presenting grandiose things.  Im just offering my experience from my pwBPD.  Maybe she was doing it in an attempt to relate and be accepted by the group.  Sure, it came off as narcissistic but maybe that wasn't the intention?  Just some food for thought.

[jasonb]

lonely astro,I see what you are saying and  it's possible ,but she didn't stop and kept going on and on. And as long as they put her in the center of attention she was glowing. When they shifted it back to me she pouted. finally, demanded to go home because the outing was "boring" and my friends are old and boring. (she was younger)

she was never diagnosed with NPD but the symptoms fit her like a glove. when I read web sites and blogs about it it's like they are writing about her. also, when I left her she wouldn't let it go, she still hasn't... Narcissistic wound.

[Lonely_Astro]

lonely astro,I see what you are saying and  it's possible ,but she didn't stop and kept going on and on. And as long as they put her in the center of attention she was glowing. When they shifted it back to me she pouted. finally, demanded to go home because the outing was "boring" and my friends are old and boring. (she was younger)

she was never diagnosed with NPD but the symptoms fit her like a glove. when I read web sites and blogs about it it's like they are writing about her. also, when I left her she wouldn't let it go, she still hasn't... Narcissistic wound.

There's a good chance that she was showing some NPD traits in the moment.  Mine would go on and on about the cruise.  Every time travel was brought up by someone, she would go on and on about it.  She literally could not let me have a conversation about my travels (when I travel, I submerge myself with the locals.  I don't do "touristy" things, if that makes sense).  She could not stand to hear about my travels because it made her feel like she didn't exist.  Thats the core root.  When your friends would shift back to you, she saw it as her no longer existing in that moment.  She needed their attention (and approval) to feel 'real'.  Without that, she felt invalidated.  Remember, BPDs are like 3rd degree burn victims.  Where we have skin, they don't.  They feel everything (emotionally) and with great intensity.  They need attention for feel 'real' and don't know how to cope in certain situations.

[thisworld]

Narcissistic doesn't necessarily mean grandiose, my T says ultimately there isn't a borderline who is not narcissistic (or doesn't reflect as narcissistic) because it's about their needs. Some narcs are inverted, they blame themselves all the time but still, it's so about them. My BPD was very narcissistic although he was rarely grandiose. He also had the psychopathic grin and whatnot. Only he was more visibly anxious than your ordinary narc or psychopath.

Jasonb, have you ever had the chance to experience a blank, kind of round eyed babyish look? Like surprised and empty at the same time? Kind of completely clueless.  Innocent looking but also blank and there is no smile. This happens when you say something that doesn't match the narc's scenario or narrative at that moment and you have caught them unprepared or blank. You get to see the inner emptiness for a moment. It's a bit uncomfortable.

[jasonb]

this world I know that look exactly that you are talking about. It's very revealing looking back.

[troisette]

Yes, I remember that look this world. Disconcerting.

We were at a party and ex was bored. Folded a paper plate in half, put it in his mouth and pretended to be Al Jolson singing "Mammy". Poor taste but he got the attention he craved. A friend told me to take ex home as he was very drunk. I knew he wasn't and was disturbed by exe's behaviour, his friends thought it amusing. We got outside and he had that blank round eyed look,  like an innocent baby. Doubly disturbing but I blinkered myself to it.

I think that at that point he was disassociating... .don't know whether he was disassociating from his behaviour or what... .