Is this what happens with a BPD mom?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My wife and I are still married. She's the one with dBPD. We have one child, D10, who inherited aggressive emotional traits from her mom. From age 4 through 9, we went through many cycles of problem behaviors -- explosiveness, violence, defiance. She had an IEP at school, and then went into the special ed classroom, and even a brief stint of hospitalization and an outpatient day program at age 9.

But she's been doing very well for the last six months. A combination of meds, therapy, and probably some maturation have really helped her. She has had almost no issues in school. There have been a few outbursts at home, but most of her defiance and misbehaving is age-appropriate. It's such a relief to see her emerge like this.

But then there's my wife. Probably BPD since her teenage years, relatively controlled when we met, then triggered by a variety of stressful life events and a traumatic brain injury over the past half-dozen years. The past year in particular has been hell.

I'm usually the target for the rages, but D10 has been in the crosshairs more than a few times. As D10 is reaching the age where she starts to form her own opinions, assert her individuality, etc., I'm seeing them in conflict more and more.

I see D10 trying strategies to manage BPD mom -- soothing, caretaking, self-effacing apologies and promises. I also see her getting frustrated and lashing out, telling her that it's the fault of her illness and her behavior is out of control. And she is sad and cries a lot.

Meanwhile, BPD mom loves D10 and truly wishes the best for her -- but she can't stop herself from chewing her out with long, long lectures, calling her names like "liar" and "brat", blaming her for thoughts and emotions that she's projecting onto D10, and squabbling like she's D10's sister instead of her mom.

Is this what a BPD mother is like? Is this going to get worse, as D10 gets more mature and more independent? I don't like what I'm seeing, and I don't want D10 in this environment.

[flourdust]

My wife and I are still married. She's the one with dBPD. We have one child, D10, who inherited aggressive emotional traits from her mom. From age 4 through 9, we went through many cycles of problem behaviors -- explosiveness, violence, defiance. She had an IEP at school, and then went into the special ed classroom, and even a brief stint of hospitalization and an outpatient day program at age 9.

But she's been doing very well for the last six months. A combination of meds, therapy, and probably some maturation have really helped her. She has had almost no issues in school. There have been a few outbursts at home, but most of her defiance and misbehaving is age-appropriate. It's such a relief to see her emerge like this.

But then there's my wife. Probably BPD since her teenage years, relatively controlled when we met, then triggered by a variety of stressful life events and a traumatic brain injury over the past half-dozen years. The past year in particular has been hell.

I'm usually the target for the rages, but D10 has been in the crosshairs more than a few times. As D10 is reaching the age where she starts to form her own opinions, assert her individuality, etc., I'm seeing them in conflict more and more.

I see D10 trying strategies to manage BPD mom -- soothing, caretaking, self-effacing apologies and promises. I also see her getting frustrated and lashing out, telling her that it's the fault of her illness and her behavior is out of control. And she is sad and cries a lot.

Meanwhile, BPD mom loves D10 and truly wishes the best for her -- but she can't stop herself from chewing her out with long, long lectures, calling her names like "liar" and "brat", blaming her for thoughts and emotions that she's projecting onto D10, and squabbling like she's D10's sister instead of her mom.

Is this what a BPD mother is like? Is this going to get worse, as D10 gets more mature and more independent? I don't like what I'm seeing, and I don't want D10 in this environment.

[Turkish]

It's great that your daughter has turned a huge corner 

How is your r/s with her, and how do you talk? Does she ever complain about her mom to you?

Pre-teen defiance is normal, as is parental frustration. In what ways do you see yourself taking up the "slack," as it were, for your wife's shortcomings?

[flourdust]

It's great that your daughter has turned a huge corner 

How is your r/s with her, and how do you talk? Does she ever complain about her mom to you?

Pre-teen defiance is normal, as is parental frustration. In what ways do you see yourself taking up the "slack," as it were, for your wife's shortcomings?

We get along well and spend time together. I get her up in the morning, fix her breakfast, chat, and take her to school. In the evenings, we hang out a bit. Sometimes, she helps me cook or we watch one of "our" shows together, and I put her to bed at night. There are nights when mom is out, so we have time together, or we go out by ourselves on weekends to run errands. She does talk to me about mom sometimes, particularly after a fight or dysregulation. And I ask her about her feelings.

She's worried about us divorcing, understandably so. (It doesn't help that my wife recently decided to ask her, out of the blue, how she would feel if we got divorced. One of her bad choices.) She is sad and worried and stressed and wonders if her mom will ever get better and we'll stop fighting. Sometimes, she takes her mom's side and blames me for the conflict.

It took a LOT of work on my part, but I managed to get the three of us together with D10's therapist, and we had a family session where we talked openly about her fears of divorce and what that might mean for her if it happened. (Assuring her that she would still have two parents who love her, a place to live, and so on.) And we talked about mom's dysregulations and made a plan that she would look to me for support and, if necessary, leave the scene with me. I didn't expect my wife to honor these arrangements, but at least we were all able to talk about them with D10.

Discipline is a challenge. Yes, D10 needs discipline, but BPDw can go off the deep end quickly, leaving me in a difficult circumstance. I've been mostly trying to support her discipline decisions, even when I think they're excessive, to avoid putting D10 in the middle of a tug-of-war. There are times I've had to push back, though. And I very much dislike the name-calling. (Does D10 get caught up in playing with her iPod to the point where she'll ignore us when we talk to her? Yes. Does that mean she's an "addict" who needs to be lectured on addiction and obsessive behaviors? I don't think so.)

I'm trying to be the stable one, loving but appropriately parental. My wife is much more emotional and demonstrative, which feeds a need for D10, but her explosive temper and moods make it very much a two-sided coin.

[livednlearned]

Hi flourdust,

I'm no longer with my BPD/bipolar ex husband, so my situation is somewhat different.

However, my son (now 14) was at risk for developing BPD traits. He was dx'd with opposite defiance disorder at age 9, plus ADHD/ADD combined type, then anxiety/depression in his teens, then more recently OCD. His psychiatrist also notes some sensory processing issues. On top of all this, S14 is gifted, or maybe because of all this, I don't know. So he has an almost adult-like ability to comprehend, yet an underdeveloped emotional maturity. Dealing with that alone can be a challenge.

I think middle school can really put our kids on tilt. Your D is doing well now, which is great. She may have to adjust again next school year and apply her skills to new stresses and pressures. I notice with my son that as he hits a new developmental milestone, it's almost like we have to address the same issues all over again, reframing and getting back to the basics. For my own education, I have found the literature on highly sensitive children to be really helpful, as well as Blaise Aguirre's book about BPD and adolescence.

That plan you discussed with D10's therapist sounds great -- I wish I had done something like that back in the day.

About divorce -- I don't think you can reassure a kid about anything concerning divorce, including whether they will be loved in the same way. Divorce is hard on a kid, really hard, and they know it. We know it too. Plus, kids often worry about things we tend to overlook, like the logistics, more than getting this abstract need for love met. I'm only saying this because I found my son trusted me more when I just stayed with validation and did not try to soothe him about something as devastating as 1) divorce and 2) a mentally ill father.

What I found to be the most profound learning experience in all this is letting my son have his big feelings, and then letting him self-soothe. Codependent people are not great at allowing others to self-soothe. Parents who have codependent tendencies and a special needs child have a triple challenge that can feel nearly impossible to navigate. Somehow, letting my son express his big feelings has helped diminish the dysregulations, if that makes sense. It's a fine line, and I think as his parent I may be the only one who can tell the difference.

Last, I think you have to talk to a therapist and make sure that going along with excessive discipline is the right thing for D10. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, only that our kids are atypical. Craig Childress talks about two types of parenting: one to raise an obedient child, one to raise a cooperative child. My ex was all about obedient child and that nearly broke my son. I can now see that some of the methods we used were behaviorist, that absolutely did not work with a highly sensitive child like my son. In fact, I think it is what lay the groundwork for the oppositional defiance.

We all have different situations. I don't know if any of this would be useful to your parent-child relationship, tho I think it helps to share experiences and see if there are any leads that can make a difference.

It's really hard being the parent of a special needs child while also navigating the relationship dynamics with a loved one who is mentally ill.  Hang in there and lean on us when you need.

[flourdust]

Thank you for that, livednlearned. You gave me a lot to consider in just one post.

I expect my daughter's teenage years are going to be tough ... .with or without BPDw around.