Trying to educate myself

[HelpMeDeal]

Hello, my name is Dana. I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and we live together. He has a 4 yr old daughter and shares custody with his BPD ex. When he and I first started dating, I received Facebook messages from his ex, emails, and FB message to MY MOTHER, all "warning" me about my new boyfriend. All about how dangerous he is and manipulative and how he's a narcissistic/sociopath and can't be trusted... etc. I took a leap of faith and kept my guard up for a while with him, until I no longer felt the need to. Not once has my boyfriend showed me any signs of being remotely close to the narcissistic devil that his ex has tried to make me believe he is. The only thing that is very clear to me (after researching) is that his ex is borderline. I've witnessed it with my own eyes. My boyfriend has never bad-mouthed her to me, he's only said that he will sit back and let me figure it out on my own... .which I did. She has continuously talked badly about both of us. She made an entire Pinterest board pinning over 400 pins all about narcissism and a manipulative ex and spends her day (since she doesn't have a job) posting quotes on Facebook all about her "narcissistic" ex. I know you're probably asking yourself why I am even looking in the first place... .I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I looked because I was constantly being warned by her! It took me a little while to realize that she was the "crazy one" and everything that she claims he is... .is actually all of her characteristics! I have never done anything to this woman and she told my boyfriend that I am never allowed to be at any pickup or drop off. She is constantly "documenting" him and records him on her phone. Her daughter has told us that "mommy asks too many questions when I stay here!" This past weekend we had his daughter and she was sick with a bad cold. She has been sick for over 3 weeks now and the mother still hasn't taken her to the doctor. My boyfriend texted his ex, letting her know that their daughter is getting worse and its time to see a doctor. He told her that we've given her honey and some chicken soup, etc... .she responds with such anger, yelling at him for not telling her sooner etc and how he is not to give her tea, honey... .ANYTHING without discussing it with her first! My boyfriend is a damn good father and we both cared for his sick daughter for two full days and his ex blows up because he told her that she should take her to the doctor! That is just an example of what we go through all the time with his ex. My boyfriend and I argue sometimes because I want him to stand up to her and he just wants to ignore her. He's tried to explain to me that it's pointless to have a logical conversation with her because all she does is twist things around and become even angrier. The more I educate myself on this disorder, the easier it is for me to understand why he doesn't engage with her. I'm hoping this site with help me deal with future situations and confrontations with his ex.

[HelpMeDeal]

Hello, my name is Dana. I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and we live together. He has a 4 yr old daughter and shares custody with his BPD ex. When he and I first started dating, I received Facebook messages from his ex, emails, and FB message to MY MOTHER, all "warning" me about my new boyfriend. All about how dangerous he is and manipulative and how he's a narcissistic/sociopath and can't be trusted... etc. I took a leap of faith and kept my guard up for a while with him, until I no longer felt the need to. Not once has my boyfriend showed me any signs of being remotely close to the narcissistic devil that his ex has tried to make me believe he is. The only thing that is very clear to me (after researching) is that his ex is borderline. I've witnessed it with my own eyes. My boyfriend has never bad-mouthed her to me, he's only said that he will sit back and let me figure it out on my own... .which I did. She has continuously talked badly about both of us. She made an entire Pinterest board pinning over 400 pins all about narcissism and a manipulative ex and spends her day (since she doesn't have a job) posting quotes on Facebook all about her "narcissistic" ex. I know you're probably asking yourself why I am even looking in the first place... .I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I looked because I was constantly being warned by her! It took me a little while to realize that she was the "crazy one" and everything that she claims he is... .is actually all of her characteristics! I have never done anything to this woman and she told my boyfriend that I am never allowed to be at any pickup or drop off. She is constantly "documenting" him and records him on her phone. Her daughter has told us that "mommy asks too many questions when I stay here!" This past weekend we had his daughter and she was sick with a bad cold. She has been sick for over 3 weeks now and the mother still hasn't taken her to the doctor. My boyfriend texted his ex, letting her know that their daughter is getting worse and its time to see a doctor. He told her that we've given her honey and some chicken soup, etc... .she responds with such anger, yelling at him for not telling her sooner etc and how he is not to give her tea, honey... .ANYTHING without discussing it with her first! My boyfriend is a damn good father and we both cared for his sick daughter for two full days and his ex blows up because he told her that she should take her to the doctor! That is just an example of what we go through all the time with his ex. My boyfriend and I argue sometimes because I want him to stand up to her and he just wants to ignore her. He's tried to explain to me that it's pointless to have a logical conversation with her because all she does is twist things around and become even angrier. The more I educate myself on this disorder, the easier it is for me to understand why he doesn't engage with her. I'm hoping this site with help me deal with future situations and confrontations with his ex.

[Thunderstruck]

Hi!   Welcome!

You sound a lot like me when my DH and I started dating. My SD's uBPDbm was trying to convince me that they were still sleeping together and I was "wrecking" their home. Before I even knew she existed (DH and I had talked a handful of times), she had gone through his phone and gotten my info and started sending me messages. It was insanity. I remember telling my friend (who is a social worker) about this "crazy lady" and how I couldn't believe all the things that she was doing. My friend said "She sounds like one of my raging borderline patients." I looked up Borderline Personality Disorder, and it was like a light turned on! Suddenly the "crazy" made sense! Well, kinda. 

[Panda39]

Hi HelpMeDeal,

I want to join Thuderstruck and also welcome to the BPD Family 

You are not alone.  I have been dating a man with a uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) for the last 4 1/2 years.  They have 2 daughters 15 & 19.  Your story sounds very familiar to me too 

When we first started dating I didn't understand what I was walking into and spent quite a bit of time being angry at her and trying to understand why she would do the horrible hurtful and irresponsible things she did.  I sort of became consumed with trying to come up with ways to control what she did.  I eventually came upon BPD when I Googled "Chronic Lying" and bingo! I hit the library and started reading what I could and began to understand why she did what she did and began to see patterns in her behaviors which helped me. 

Never the less I arrived here an angry lady but what really helped initially was simply the ability to vent to people that "got it" and gradually the anger lessened and the work began. 

I want to point out the TOOLs links in the box to the right ----->

Along with books on the subject of BPD so you have a good basic understanding of what it is, the tools to the right are really helpful.  I also suggest browsing through the co-parenting posts and you also might want to check out some of the other boards for a perspective on what your boyfriend's past relationship might have looked like or how things might look to his daughter... .

Just learn as much as you can, ask questions, vent, and share your story and experiences.  We are all here to help and support each other.  Glad to have you in the mix 

Take Care,

Panda39

[david]

I get that he doesn't want to engage with her ( fight ). It took me a couple of years to figure out how.

If a 4 year old girl is sick for three weeks then I don't think it is a big deal for the girls father to take her to a doctor. You can always let xBPDw know after the fact. Yes, she probably will go off but that is her problem.

If you get dragged into court, what I always expect, I believe the courts will do nothing to prevent dad from taking care of her daughter.

My ex ran away in 2007 and by 2010 we had a rock solid court ordered custody order.

Last year our oldest was sick. He was with his mom (a nurse) and she made him go to school even though he vomited twice in the morning. The school nurse called me after she tried calling ex 3 or 4 times with no answer. She even left messages. I picked S17 up and brought him home. I sent an email to ex letting her know his symptoms and that he was in bed. Ex demanded I bring him to her place since it was her custodial time. I simply repeated what I already told her that he was in bed. I received a call from the police several hours later. I explained everything to the police and they understood/They asked me to reach out to ex so I sent another email explaining everything that happened since my last email. Ex sent an email to her attorney and cc'd it to me telling her attorney that she wanted to go back to court because I was in violation of out court order. I ignored the threat. I suspect her attorney explained that no judge would find me in contempt even though I didn't follow the court order.