Discovering the rebounds

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I finally managed, after nearly two years of stomach-churning horrible fights, verbal abuse, and isolation, to break up with my BPD boyfriend--and, am struggling with the ways in which he is very publicly 'moving on' with a new woman on social media--going so far as to have posted half-naked photos of her within the same hour as sending me an email informing me that he would always love me even though this was all my fault.  The photos led to discovering the months of posts on at least five or six other women's instagram accounts of equally provocative messages, and realizing that this went on throughout our entire relationship.  The logical, rational part of my brain says well, duh, this is one of the hallmarks of this disorder, and it's not about you--the hurt, confounded, angry part of my brain can't believe the hypocrisy evident in all of these actions (telling me our relationship failed because of my 'failure to get real love', while all along, this constant background level of betrayal!)

Has anyone else experienced this?  Or have advice for managing the anger and outrage?  I know he'll never get it--I've maintained my zero contact, even though these posts and emails are clearly designed to bait me into reacting (which I had in the past, which always engendered another round of make up/breakup).  But, man.  It's hard to process and hold all of the anger over his refusal to see or accept responsibility for his destructive behavior.

[didionit]

I finally managed, after nearly two years of stomach-churning horrible fights, verbal abuse, and isolation, to break up with my BPD boyfriend--and, am struggling with the ways in which he is very publicly 'moving on' with a new woman on social media--going so far as to have posted half-naked photos of her within the same hour as sending me an email informing me that he would always love me even though this was all my fault.  The photos led to discovering the months of posts on at least five or six other women's instagram accounts of equally provocative messages, and realizing that this went on throughout our entire relationship.  The logical, rational part of my brain says well, duh, this is one of the hallmarks of this disorder, and it's not about you--the hurt, confounded, angry part of my brain can't believe the hypocrisy evident in all of these actions (telling me our relationship failed because of my 'failure to get real love', while all along, this constant background level of betrayal!)

Has anyone else experienced this?  Or have advice for managing the anger and outrage?  I know he'll never get it--I've maintained my zero contact, even though these posts and emails are clearly designed to bait me into reacting (which I had in the past, which always engendered another round of make up/breakup).  But, man.  It's hard to process and hold all of the anger over his refusal to see or accept responsibility for his destructive behavior.

[once removed]

hey didionit and

i struggled with this as well, as have many members here. on one hand the show my ex was making of the new relationship kind of took some sting out of it, but it was all surreal and mind boggling to me, and yes, painful. i discovered evidence of cheating as well. youre absolutely right - the behavior is a hallmark of the disorder, certainly of our stories here, and on one hand we tell ourselves that it isnt personal, but the fact is it feels very personal indeed. we often feel like we were with a stranger, that our relationship was an illusion, etc. not exactly - but we were with a person serious mental illness, and the surreality, and the reality for that matter, are simply not something we can process over night. be patient with yourself.

on managing the anger and outrage, these are normal feelings. from what i read it doesnt sound as though youve acted on them, so so far so good. writing and venting (in a journal or on this board) are great tools. members here can relate to what you are experiencing, and we are here to support you.

i dont know the situation exactly: are you friends with this person on social media? if so, and you dont want to unfriend or block, i strongly suggest unfollowing and avoiding his posts. likely, at least right now, they will continue to trigger strong reactions.

[shatra]

How did you see the instagram posts? 

Are u sure they are actual connections/cheating, vs. online flrting with strangers?

What was the reason he cheated----was it the BPD lack of impulse control, fear that you would abandon him so he wanted a backup? Or another reason?

[VitaminC]

hey didionit and

i dont know the situation exactly: are you friends with this person on social media? if so, and you dont want to unfriend or block, i strongly suggest unfollowing and avoiding his posts. likely, at least right now, they will continue to trigger strong reactions.

I agree. No contact doesn't just mean you don't speak to or see each other, as I'm sure you know. It means not subjecting yourself to any information that is going to wound you or tear open existing wounds. I found this helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

And there was a lot of good information here too:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56204.0


In general, it IS very hard to process and somehow accept the depth and degree of deception that someone is capable of. I have been in a similar situation; discovering cheating and lying that had been going on for months. I've broken it off, and this entire site has been extremely helpful to me because it has armed me with information that helped to make sense of the unreality of much of what has been going on in my relationship. I am making sure that I make no more discoveries by staying absolutely clear of anything (certainly social media etc) and anyone that could provide more information.

I know enough. I don't need more hurts or more facts to help me see what I need to see. I am, and hope to be able to continue, focussing on myself and how I ended up there and why I stayed so long.

I wish you well.

[didionit]

Thanks so much for the support and the welcome--my ex and I aren't friends on social media, and I'm not following him, but, I've been struggling a lot with not looking at his feed--a friend even pointed out that the photos he's been posting are clearly reposts of photos taken elsewhere (i.e., he didn't take them, and is either stealing them from somewhere, or, just reposting someone else's pictures), which just adds to the mind-boggling nature of the entire experience.  I know I need to not look, and to find a productive way to stop going back to the well, so to speak, even if I don't say anything to him about what I've seen.  (and, the online flirtations went on during our entire relationship--sure, it's not physical cheating, but, it's emotional cheating, even with strangers, which is just as harmful, when you already feel like you can't trust your partner because of their cyclical abusive behavior... .).  It's very helpful to hear that I'm not alone--that this experience isn't unique.  Because when you're alone with it, and have been made to feel that everything was your fault, this sort of feels like more evidence that it was about you, and not them (even if you logically, rationally know that it's their disorder doing all of the talking... .). 

The desire to constantly have 'back ups' that he thought I'd never find or know about, definitely seems to be driven by fear of abandonment--the more my life improved (I got several promotions at work, moved out of a depressing apartment I hated, started taking better care of myself physically), the more he made sure to tell me that he had been hit on at work, a woman gave him her phone number, a new waitress wanted to sleep with him, and, he'd start posting photos of women in his life that he'd either slept with, or, intimated that he wanted to sleep with/who wanted to sleep with him, while maintaining that it 'meant nothing'--and this was all before we'd even broken up (for the last time).  Whenever I would try to talk to him about why he was telling me these things, or to ask where it was coming from, he would tell me I was crazy, or, would get angry and accuse me of cheating on him with one of my friends.

Seeing all of these photos now does, as you said, make it both easier and harder.  It's clearly not coming from any sort of healthy place, on his part--but, it also makes me feel awful.

[once removed]

i understand the urge to look, didionit. at the conclusion of my relationship i felt like i was experiencing the death of a loved one, yet she walked, and appeared unrecognizable. and there was this nagging thought in my mind, knowing that there was information that would hurt me greatly to see, just literally a click away, and i had a sort of "just get it over with" attitude about it. the manner in which our partners often appear to move on is pretty traumatic stuff. discovering evidence that this kind of behavior was happening throughout the relationship is a double whammy to our system. i dont think i was naive, going into my relationship. id had a couple of buddies that were cheated on when it was beyond my imagination, so i knew that a dependent, clingy, and jealous person, can have a capability, sometimes even tendency, to cheat. to discover that my ex had done it frightened me; i no longer believed i could trust even myself.

you will stop checking when you are ready to stop, for your own good. i cant tell you that i gained zero insight from checking, especially the first time i did it, though it certainly had diminishing returns over time. its shocking your own system which is taking/has taken many shocks already. it was a combination of diminishing returns (i didnt learn anything, it just set off anxiety attacks and i got tired of it) and a sort of cavalier attitude that finally stopped me. checking is your choice, no one can tell you that it is wrong.

many members post here because they want to put the puzzle pieces together, and process. this is very useful, and youre in a great place to do it. sounds to me like you are off to a great start, particularly when you see the patterns of the fear of (and avoidance of) abandonment and how they played out in your relationship. you are right that cheating behaviors are driven by this, as well as impulsiveness, feelings of emptiness, etc. sadly, it can even be triggered by your physical absence; im not referring to neglect let alone blame, but that for example, im confident my ex engaged in similar emotional cheating (at least) immediately upon my leaving her place. in your case, it sounds like it was related to your self improvement and progress; these do trigger the sense of abandonment for a person with BPD, even to the extent that it applies to themselves. its a sensitive subject when a pwBPD enters therapy. this is certainly not your fault and should not be discouraged in a healthy romantic relationship.

It's very helpful to hear that I'm not alone--that this experience isn't unique.  Because when you're alone with it, and have been made to feel that everything was your fault, this sort of feels like more evidence that it was about you, and not them (even if you logically, rationally know that it's their disorder doing all of the talking... .). 

youre certainly not alone  . youll find many, many similar elements of your story in the stories of others. i would not say that your experience is not unique though. all of our stories are, in their own way, as much as we have in common. we were the ones present for our relationships, we all have different personalities, childhoods, upbringings, life experiences, even brain chemistry . we also all grieve uniquely and differently, as youll find here. you will find much (much) in common with other members who can relate, but what you have been through (the good and the bad) is uniquely yours, your thoughts feelings and pain are all valid. we are here to support you through it . 

[didionit]

i understand the urge to look, didionit. at the conclusion of my relationship i felt like i was experiencing the death of a loved one, yet she walked, and appeared unrecognizable. and there was this nagging thought in my mind, knowing that there was information that would hurt me greatly to see, just literally a click away, and i had a sort of "just get it over with" attitude about it. the manner in which our partners often appear to move on is pretty traumatic stuff. discovering evidence that this kind of behavior was happening throughout the relationship is a double whammy to our system. i dont think i was naive, going into my relationship. id had a couple of buddies that were cheated on when it was beyond my imagination, so i knew that a dependent, clingy, and jealous person, can have a capability, sometimes even tendency, to cheat. to discover that my ex had done it frightened me; i no longer believed i could trust even myself.

you will stop checking when you are ready to stop, for your own good. i cant tell you that i gained zero insight from checking, especially the first time i did it, though it certainly had diminishing returns over time. its shocking your own system which is taking/has taken many shocks already. it was a combination of diminishing returns (i didnt learn anything, it just set off anxiety attacks and i got tired of it) and a sort of cavalier attitude that finally stopped me. checking is your choice, no one can tell you that it is wrong. [/color]

Thank you, once removed---that described it so well.  Experiencing the urge to check is a lot like feeling like shock therapy, in a way---as though by witnessing the crazy, my immediate replacement, and the posts that are clearly designed as bait (I hadn't posted anything on my own account in weeks, and put up an announcement about a social outreach project that I had worked very hard on getting funded----he posted something saying 'as a poet and lover if I ever choose career over love shoot me', next to a new photo of his latest conquest's nipple... .) I can make myself immune to the hurt that follows.  That the logical part of my brain that says that whomever he's dating doesn't care that he loses a job every three months, lives with his parents (his original abusers) despite being nearly forty, has a drinking problem, and is routinely impotent will triumph over the part of my brain that still feels hurt that while he was sending me emails stating he would always love me, he was clearly courting/sleeping with this new person.

I've had a healthy relationship, based on mutual care and respect, and the slow development of true affection that followed initial attraction--I know he is incapable of that, and that whomever he's 'dating' now is the foil for his narcissism, and his need to counter the genuinely good things happening in my life with a 'victory' that he feels will trump all of them, because 'he's not alone'.  (because my friends and functional, loving family don't count, if I'm not sleeping with someone, which apparently is the only true measure of anyone's worth... .). 

And yet.  Ugh.  I feel the old urge to snap and break NC and say something rise up.  I know that looking, and knowing any of this in the first place, is what keeps me stuck here.  Did you have any special behavioral modifications/tricks that you'd use to stop yourself from looking, when the urge arose, that helped?

I still haven't broken NC (in terms of communicating with him directly, at least), and I'm determined not to.  But, could use any advice anyone might have to offer about training yourself out of looking---nothing good ever comes out of it.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply!   

[once removed]

Did you have any special behavioral modifications/tricks that you'd use to stop yourself from looking, when the urge arose, that helped?

sort of. it was an attitude i wouldnt recommend to everyone, a bit cavalier, a bit of propping myself up. i knew (or assumed at least) that she was checking up on me too. i told myself id leave that kind of behavior to her, that i was "above" it. it happened naturally, when i was ready. it came with a sense of self respect that i was hurting myself, and was "above" that too.

part of the trick was using time; it got easier to avoid because i got out of the habit of looking and giving in to the urge just because it came up. on one hand i didnt want to sit there and count the days as if id achieved sobriety, but i was aware that after each day went by, it got easier, and i didnt want to back track.

in other words, my attitude changed (this takes time). i didnt have much in the way of methods. blocking is certainly an option. leaning on others when the urge arises (you can do that here or with loved ones) helps many. checking until you become immune is one method, and in fact it was even suggested to me as a consideration, but i cant say i recommend it or that it would have worked that way for me. i did feel a sense of detachment at least the first time i looked; it was just too surreal and not something i could be attracted to. but those are the diminishing returns i spoke of; it got to the point that id just have an anxiety attack and ruminate all day no matter what i saw. at the end of the day it just doesnt get you very far to repeatedly try to prove to yourself that your ex will fail, is crazy, hasnt changed, or analyze what they might be going through based on social media posts. i think most of us do it, though. its okay to be hurt by his actions toward you. they were incredibly hurtful actions  .

[GVincent]

Wow! First off, Happy 2016 everyone, I wish you and yours peace, health and recovery.

As I read through these posts I needed to share, as I have been trolling but not posting recently. I am so in the same place, digging around trying to see how blind, how codependent I was.

In resume, spent 15 years with my ubpw wife. Separated for 4 years, got back together last april, moved back in together in June,separated again in September, and now in separate living spaces.,we have a 11 year old son.

In November after 6 weeks of co-habitaiting in our apartment I was still trying to understand what happened, why I told her it was,over, well I know why, but still... .so,I was,obsessing, hurting since she just accepted with no fight when I said it was over... .not,really expecting that.

Anyway I'm rambling - the,point is, I found a dating profile for her, confronted her, denials, etc- you've all been there. Since by then I was beginning to suspect BPD I have been digging ever since, yes to hurt myself I would venture. Point is, the more I dig, the more I,find, dating back basically to the year following our son's birth. So EA ONLINE, actual affairs, sexual practices she always swore she was not into, etc... .

ARGH! I hate that I keep doing this, keep digging, AND I keep,finding more stuff but,I suppose and hope that I will stop when I'm ready, there's no more to find, or,, I don't know what.

Holidays were hard, but I am moving slowly forward, baby steps as they say.

In any case, no one is alone in this, and I thank all of you for the support and am here for you as well if you need.

G