Newbie with serious problem

[Sentry13]

Hi I just joined because my I guess at this point ex fiancé is BPD or at least im pretty sure she is she refuses to get any help because "nothing is wrong with her." I love her very much and we have had a very up and down relationship. We are having a baby together and where going to get married this year but we got into a fight/ argument that got bad and she called the cops and told them I hit her. We both got arrested and our pictures taken. Her report counters the photos taken at the time and even the next day. She was moved to a different county. The photos show not a single mark on her face which is where she told the police I hit her. She was also at the time pregnant they took her to the hospital but she was discharged with in a few hours. I doubt they would discharge a pregnant woman who just got beat up in a few hours. This lie has begun to ruin my life. Im facing charges and will probably lose my job in a short time. Ive confronted her about the lie but she won't listen and insists it happened. I even brought up the photos taken at the jail and she just replied that I was to weak to actually leave marks on her. Im at a lose right now. Ive had to go along with the lie because she can be vary angry and violent if I don't she actually tried to choke me a bout a month ago when I countered something about the incident. Also she has the potential to make this go on longer in the court then it needs to and possible mess up my relationship with my future baby. Has anyone dealt with this kind of thing and actually had a positive out come?

[Scopikaz]

I can tell you my ex gf who I think has BPD but not sure, she had been married twice before. And supposedly in both cases there was some type of altercation at end where she had been touched or something occurred.  She even had a friend get pictures in first case with first husband.  He wound up eventually getting custody, so if there was any truth to it, I would think the court would not have awarded custody to him. With second husband she filed restraining order because she was scared. But now i think it was to stall for time so she could stay in house till she moved weeks later.   I know that I was pseudo threatened by her sister that if I did anything to her stuff she left in house that I would have charges pressed.   Anyhow. A lot of accusations or threats but nothing ever proven in court etc. 

[enlighten me]

Don't go along with the lie. Don't admit to have done what you are accused of. If you do it could ruin your life. Not only could you lose your job and go to jail but you would have a record that will follow you your whole life.

You need to remain calm. State the facts and get a good lawyer that has dealt with this before. Be courteous and compliant with the police. Don't loose your cool with them as this makes you look unstable.

Don't try and contact her and don't try to get her to admit she was wrong as this may make her dig her heals in and come up with more allegations to back up this one. If her case looks weak then this could happen.

[Sentry13]

Don't go along with the lie. Don't admit to have done what you are accused of. If you do it could ruin your life. Not only could you lose your job and go to jail but you would have a record that will follow you your whole life.

You need to remain calm. State the facts and get a good lawyer that has dealt with this before. Be courteous and compliant with the police. Don't loose your cool with them as this makes you look unstable.

Don't try and contact her and don't try to get her to admit she was wrong as this may make her dig her heals in and come up with more allegations to back up this one. If her case looks weak then this could happen.

I had to parrot back what she told me at first because I was afraid of losing her for good. She didn't even notice I had to piece together what she had told me because the story changed each time she told me it changed. We actually discussed the court stuff yesterday because my job is in jeopardy and she told me she doesn't want me fired but I still need to get help and again the story changed about what I did. Also I caught her telling her sister in law that her ex used to beat the crap out of her now shes telling me no one has ever hit her before and she was afraid for her life when I "hit" her.

[TheRealJongoBong]

She didn't even notice I had to piece together what she had told me because the story changed each time she told me it changed.

The more she does this the less believable she will be to the authorities. You just need to stay calm and keep telling your side of the story. This advice also applies to your work. If you come across as the calm stable person with nothing to hide then your odds increase considerably.

My wife had episodes where she tried to get me arrested for having sex with boys across the street. One of the first things I did was to tell my boss what was going on so he wouldn't get blindsided by it.  During the investigation the police also determined that she wasn't making sense and her story kept shifting (in addition to the fact that the boys across the street told the police she was making stuff up).

[babyducks]

Has anyone dealt with this kind of thing and actually had a positive out come?

Hi Sentry13,

Many of our members arrive here with a situation much like you describe.  

Enlighten me is right you need a good lawyer.   You can not rely on her to help in this situation.    

Protecting yourself, your future and your job is priority one right now.

Putting some distance between you and keeping the level of emotional reactivity low during this difficult time can help reduce conflict.

'ducks

[ForeverDad]

And not just any lawyer, you need one able to handle the serious cases, perhaps a criminal lawyer.  For the parenting issues you can choose an experienced, proactive family law attorney.

Don't go along with the lie. Don't admit to have done what you are accused of. If you do it could ruin your life. Not only could you lose your job and go to jail but you would have a record that will follow you your whole life.

You need to remain calm. State the facts and get a good lawyer that has dealt with this before. Be courteous and compliant with the police. Don't loose your cool with them as this makes you look unstable.

Don't try and contact her and don't try to get her to admit she was wrong as this may make her dig her heals in and come up with more allegations to back up this one. If her case looks weak then this could happen.

My lawyer told me his first job was to sit on his new clients.  Why?  So they wouldn't talk and make their case worse.  For example, what if she was recording you echoing her claims?  Play that in court and you'd have a hard time getting the truth out.  On the other hand, if you recorded her volunteering to change her story or admitting you never hit her, that might help you.  Ask your lawyer.

Do either of you have protection or restraining orders?  If so, then you need to remind her that you can't violate the order, if she want to communicate, your hands are tied until she withdraws or changes her statements.

You may not want to tell her the wedding is Off until these cases are resolved.  Later you can do what has to be done but right now you have to walk on eggshells due to any orders or pending cases.

I had to parrot back what she told me at first because I was afraid of losing her for good. She didn't even notice I had to piece together what she had told me because the story changed each time she told me it changed. We actually discussed the court stuff yesterday because my job is in jeopardy and she told me she doesn't want me fired but I still need to get help and again the story changed about what I did. Also I caught her telling her sister in law that her ex used to beat the crap out of her now shes telling me no one has ever hit her before and she was afraid for her life when I "hit" her.

#1  Frankly, you're not even married yet and look what happened - arrested.  Can you imagine 20 years without more rages and false allegations?  I can't.  Said here, "If it's been contemplated, threatened or happened, then it will happen given enough time."

#2  Very likely, if she doesn't seek counseling and apply that therapy diligently in her thinking, perception and life then it won't get better, it will probably get worse.

#3  She claimed her ex was abusive?  That's blame shifting.  She can't handle accepting blame for the relationship's end so she has to make up a story Shifting Blame to the ex.  A common claim is that ALL ended relationship are perceived and claimed to be abusive.  Be aware.  Beware.

Some members here have commented they know when they ex is lying... .when his or her mouth opens.  It may not be that bad every time, but it highlights that her stories are ever changing and you can't trust what she says.

With her pregnant, everything is doubly complicated.  Try to get though this case and put it behind you.  Beware of plea deals, that means you accept some level of guilt and once done that can't be undone.  Perhaps in a few years you could have it expunged if your state allows it but better to have it dismissed even if it takes longer.

Do you have Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger?  It would be especially helpful when facing court action.

Does your lawyer think you can request a Psych Eval?  If you ask for her to be evaluated, likely you'll both be evaluated.  It might help, just can't say for sure.

[jac8949]

She was moved to a different county.

Are you guys living together or seeing each other right now?  Okay... so check this out... nine years ago I was arrested on a first degree assault charge after my BPD GF broke a lamp over top my head and I defended myself.  

After getting out of jail I spoke with an attorney that gave me advice that essentially shaped the rest of my life. He told me to make sure she doesnt show up in court... .so thats what I did.  I turned on the charm and catered to her every need.  She didnt show up to court and we had two children together.  

Since then she has cheated on me with every guy that smiles at her and on numerous occasions chased me around the house with a steak knife.  

yesterday, I filed for custody of the children and next week I will file a restraining order.

I didnt want the conviction... .If I had the chance to do it all over again... .I would have taken the conviction in a heart beat.  There is nothing worse in this life than living with a BPD.  :)o not under any circumstances get married or have children.  Request to visit with the States Attorney and push hard to have them pursue the charges against her.  :)o like a witness impact statement.  

do not see her.  block her number on your phone now.  This is the chance of your lifetime.  Run.

[Sentry13]

Thanks everybody. We are currently not a couple any more she actually ended everything the day before we had the fight that lead to the arrest. We had a smaller one about getting married sooner and she freaked. I do currently have a criminal lawyer and I told my work right away they are aware of the situation. I even showed them her mug shots. I showed them to people and asked if they thought anything was wrong with the pictures and every single person said no. I would then tell them what she said happened and they would say bull. We had a no contact order but it got modified. Im trying to be as nice as possible to her because of the baby and the fact she could have tjis situation dragged out longer then it needs to be. The major problem with my job is I work in healthcare and because Im facing a violent charge im not allowed to do patient care currently.

[Sentry13]

I don't know how this will effect my case but she punched me in the face while I was driving her on the highway. I called the cops I thought she broke my nose. I chose not to press charges because she's pregnant. I might change my mind. I filled a report and had everything documented. I later called her mom to let her k ow what happened because she just kind of took of after I pulled the car over. The mother blamed me for her punching me in the face said I must have done something because I know how she is. Funny thing is just a week earlier I heard her on the phone telling her to keep her hands to her self.

[ForeverDad]

I don't know how this will effect my case but she punched me in the face while I was driving her on the highway. I called the cops I thought she broke my nose. I chose not to press charges because she's pregnant. I might change my mind. I filled a report and had everything documented. I later called her mom to let her k ow what happened because she just kind of took of after I pulled the car over. The mother blamed me for her punching me in the face said I must have done something because I know how she is. Funny thing is just a week earlier I heard her on the phone telling her to keep her hands to her self.

"I chose not to press charges because... ."  That's a normal reaction, especially for us Nice Guys and Nice Gals, it's in our nature.  But when hiding the behaviors then we either (1) expose ourselves to unexpected consequences or (2) enable even more bad behaviors.

It's also a terribly risky reaction.  Covering up poor behaviors with someone who won't really appreciate it and take it to heart too often results in being self-sabotaging.  Being 'nice' can get us punished, by the ex, by officialdom, either or both.

Did you take photos or see a doctor to get it documented?  What if she later claims you made the report just so you could use it if you needed to?

I remember back in high school all the boys had some armed forces test.  Well, when we finished, my small group left to go back to class for the last few minutes.  Unfortunately they all stopped by the restroom for smokes.  Moral dilemma, should I go on to class and get them into trouble?  I decided to go to the library - I was an avid reader.  Well, lunch was next and after eating I saw the teacher and he said I got a detention for not going back to class.

My point is that we can't worry about getting into trouble those who would never even have the same consideration for us.  Of course, you're not talking about revenge, retaliation or overreaction.  That's important to us.  However, and as I found out, we generally end up sabotaging ourselves if we don't let others face their consequences.

I understand that you're trying not to rock the boat too much and have things get worse but it's a fine balancing act.  Be careful.  Meanwhile, are either of you facing any charges or court appearances currently as a result of the arrests?  Are there any temporary restraining or protection orders?

[Sentry13]

I called the cops they took a statement and photos so there is documentation. I got a call from the states attorney asking to talk before they issue a warrant I still don't know what I am going to do. I don't want to ruin her life.

[ForeverDad]

When I made my police report back in 2005, once the officer heard the recording with the (verbal only) death threats, he said to make the report and stick to it, specifically warning that dropping it later would be the wrong choice.  All he had done was listen to her voice for about 10 minutes but he knew that not showing firm determination to set a boundary would be interpreted as weakness and invite further aggression.  Another thing he knew was that this was my best and perhaps only chance for a long time to have control of a court case, to have the truth out there front and center, that if I gifted it away my spouse would be sure not to let me get the upper hand again.  And he was right in both instances.  I needed boundaries that I hadn't been able to maintain while we were together.  And the first case meant so much, when I was over in family court with custody and parenting issues, they virtually ignored the pending DV case in the other court, - eventually dismissed as "not imminent" - but I knew and that meant a lot.

Was there a way to avoid it?  At that point, no.  Anything less and she would have had me facing allegations.  Actually, she did make allegations, horrendous one, but one by one they faded into the past as 'unsubstantiated'.  Fathers (and even normal Mothers) have an uphill struggle in court to counteract the vehement allegations, filled with emotional blaming but lacked facts and substance.  In my case, instead of starting in the subbasement and fighting my way up, I was able to start in the basement, still at a disadvantage but better off than many dads found here.

Understand that this can't be undone.  But that doesn't matter since you've already concluded that you can't risk being too close to her any more and you priorities have shifted to yourself and your child.  And standing up for yourself and setting healthy boundaries beats appeasement and groveling every time.

[Sentry13]

I so wish this was different I understand this stuff mostly comes from massive fear of abandonment but I thought that after I forgave her for the affair and even begged her to come back after she filed the false accusations she would have finally understood. She even told me she believes part of the reason she told me about the affair is she knew I wouldn't go anywhere. This situation hurts so much Im still so very much in love with her and don't see that going away but I need to do whats best for myself, my child, and even her and she needs help.

[enlighten me]

I so wish this was different I understand this stuff mostly comes from massive fear of abandonment but I thought that after I forgave her for the affair and even begged her to come back after she filed the false accusations she would have finally understood. She even told me she believes part of the reason she told me about the affair is she knew I wouldn't go anywhere. This situation hurts so much Im still so very much in love with her and don't see that going away but I need to do whats best for myself, my child, and even her and she needs help.

You cannot help them by enabling them. This is something I have tried to convince my ex MIL about her daughter. By down playing the behaviour and letting them know its ok then how will they change? If there is no consequence to their actions then why would they stop doing what they want?

[Sentry13]

I so wish this was different I understand this stuff mostly comes from massive fear of abandonment but I thought that after I forgave her for the affair and even begged her to come back after she filed the false accusations she would have finally understood. She even told me she believes part of the reason she told me about the affair is she knew I wouldn't go anywhere. This situation hurts so much Im still so very much in love with her and don't see that going away but I need to do whats best for myself, my child, and even her and she needs help.

You cannot help them by enabling them. This is something I have tried to convince my ex MIL about her daughter. By down playing the behaviour and letting them know its ok then how will they change? If there is no consequence to their actions then why would they stop doing what they want?

This is true I just have trouble putting my foot down I guess.

[ForeverDad]

I so wish this was different I understand this stuff mostly comes from massive fear of abandonment but I thought that after I forgave her for the affair and even begged her to come back after she filed the false accusations she would have finally understood. She even told me she believes part of the reason she told me about the affair is she knew I wouldn't go anywhere.

So in effect she knew she had a type of Leverage over you, your love, your determination to save the relationship.  In a normal relationship such problems can and do get worked out.  But BPD, or whatever PD flavor, sabotages real repair of the relationship.  Reasonableness is misinterpreted and becomes enabling for more boundary pushing.  It is still dysfunctional to some extent.  The abnormal behaviors remain the elephant in the room.  Her ability to reason, really put herself in your shoes, is skewed that much off center.

This situation hurts so much Im still so very much in love with her and don't see that going away but I need to do whats best for myself, my child, and even her and she needs help.

Yes, she does need help.  But can you give it to her?  No.  Can you encourage her or make her get help?  No.  What doesn't she respond to your efforts?  You were/are in too close of a relationship for her to listen to you over the clamor of her emotional perceptions of you.  After all, BPD is most evident - where? - in the closest of relationships.  Sorry, you two were too close for her to listen, rather she gets triggered!

One of the hardest lessons we've had to learn here is that we can't do it for the BPD sufferer, and our very attempts expose us to even more chaos, obstruction, sabotage and, in some cases, more endangerment physically, emotionally and/or legally.

For more than just a few reasons, this is a job best left to the professionals... .  They can and should maintain a neutral emotional involvement, some we can't do.  They've had education, training and experience, something we either don't have or that the emotional BPD person will sabotage.  The professionals don't have obligations to keep treating the patients, we though have a history of the close past relationship that can complicate our continued contact immensely.

[Panda39]

I called the cops they took a statement and photos so there is documentation. I got a call from the states attorney asking to talk before they issue a warrant I still don't know what I am going to do. I don't want to ruin her life.

Hi Sentry13

I can hear that you care about your ex but you need to care about yourself too.  Enabling her is not helping you and it doesn't help her and by extension it doesn't help your baby.  I was an enabling wife of an alcoholic for 20 years I know enabling 

You aren't doing something to ruin her life, (she by the way has no compunction about ruining your life - you need to be looking out for you) she hit you in the face while you were driving on the highway She could have gotten you both killed!   These are her actions, she is responsible for them not you and she is responsible for the concequences not you. 

I think you just need to tell the truth even if it's hard.

Take Care,

Panda39

[Sentry13]

I talked to the state attorney yesterday they told me they had no real interest in issuing a warrant. I asked why and they said it happened in a car with no witnesses so she could just claim i hit her first. This is so messed up because there was no witnesses to her accusations and her pictures show no marks on her but i have a bloody face picture.

[livednlearned]

It's high risk to be with her right now -- she's pregnant and prone to emotionally dysregulating and acting impulsively. Punching someone while driving is a sign she is willing to endanger you, herself, and the baby.

Do you have a plan in place to make sure you are not ever alone with her unless a non-family third-party is present?

[Duck_Borders]

I just moved to a new country because mine did a similar thing.  She visciously attacked me while pregnant, and then called the cops and told them I beat her.  2 years & $50,000 later and I'm still fighting in court just to be allowed to see my son. 

If I could go back I would find other measures other than court or authorities... . 

I can tell you right now, the court system is useless and is endlessly abused by these people.  I just spent 8 hours in court listening to her lawyer tell the judge I'm a brain damaged drug addict and I'm hiding $150,000 worth of income. We took a drug test that day, I passed, SHE FAILED.  In the end of the day, the judge still maintained her custody but increased my visitation hours to 4 hours per day (which she is already denying) and also INCREASED my support payments.  (I make $30,000/year, but until I prove her lies are false I am paying support as if I make $80,000)

You're in for a long and really ___ty ride.  Read the book Splitting right now.  And do not even think about ever trying to repair your relationship with this person.  You'll never win, even if you have a strategy, she'll just screw you over more. 

Good luck!

Hi I just joined because my I guess at this point ex fiancé is BPD or at least im pretty sure she is she refuses to get any help because "nothing is wrong with her." I love her very much and we have had a very up and down relationship. We are having a baby together and where going to get married this year but we got into a fight/ argument that got bad and she called the cops and told them I hit her. We both got arrested and our pictures taken. Her report counters the photos taken at the time and even the next day. She was moved to a different county. The photos show not a single mark on her face which is where she told the police I hit her. She was also at the time pregnant they took her to the hospital but she was discharged with in a few hours. I doubt they would discharge a pregnant woman who just got beat up in a few hours. This lie has begun to ruin my life. Im facing charges and will probably lose my job in a short time. Ive confronted her about the lie but she won't listen and insists it happened. I even brought up the photos taken at the jail and she just replied that I was to weak to actually leave marks on her. Im at a lose right now. Ive had to go along with the lie because she can be vary angry and violent if I don't she actually tried to choke me a bout a month ago when I countered something about the incident. Also she has the potential to make this go on longer in the court then it needs to and possible mess up my relationship with my future baby. Has anyone dealt with this kind of thing and actually had a positive out come?

[Duck_Borders]

Definitely press charges against her.  If this gets dragged out in family court (which it most likely will), you having filed assault charges against her will come in extremely handy.

This is a way more serious world than you realize yet.  I remember what I thought 2 years ago when my world changed... .  everything slowly got worse and worse.  It is honestly similar to the matrix, no joke.

Also, it's a terrible thing to say, and I wouldn't go back and change mine because I love my kid a lot, but if smushmortion is an option, do it.  Obviously you can't do it, but you can support her in doing it.  Just make sure it's not your idea to suggest it.  Let her come up with the idea and fully support her decision.  It's terrible to say, but if you don't have a kid together, you can block her and in a year your life will be amazing and back to normal and you never have to see her again. 

Trust everyone here, you do not want this woman in your life. 

I don't know how this will effect my case but she punched me in the face while I was driving her on the highway. I called the cops I thought she broke my nose. I chose not to press charges because she's pregnant. I might change my mind. I filled a report and had everything documented. I later called her mom to let her k ow what happened because she just kind of took of after I pulled the car over. The mother blamed me for her punching me in the face said I must have done something because I know how she is. Funny thing is just a week earlier I heard her on the phone telling her to keep her hands to her self.

[Sentry13]

Definitely press charges against her.  If this gets dragged out in family court (which it most likely will), you having filed assault charges against her will come in extremely handy.

This is a way more serious world than you realize yet.  I remember what I thought 2 years ago when my world changed... .  everything slowly got worse and worse.  It is honestly similar to the matrix, no joke.

Also, it's a terrible thing to say, and I wouldn't go back and change mine because I love my kid a lot, but if smushmortion is an option, do it.  Obviously you can't do it, but you can support her in doing it.  Just make sure it's not your idea to suggest it.  Let her come up with the idea and fully support her decision.  It's terrible to say, but if you don't have a kid together, you can block her and in a year your life will be amazing and back to normal and you never have to see her again. 

Trust everyone here, you do not want this woman in your life. 

I don't know how this will effect my case but she punched me in the face while I was driving her on the highway. I called the cops I thought she broke my nose. I chose not to press charges because she's pregnant. I might change my mind. I filled a report and had everything documented. I later called her mom to let her k ow what happened because she just kind of took of after I pulled the car over. The mother blamed me for her punching me in the face said I must have done something because I know how she is. Funny thing is just a week earlier I heard her on the phone telling her to keep her hands to her self.

What is smushmortion?